my mom died of cancer when I was eighteen

ilovealyssumApril 29, 2008

it's been three and a half years since my mom died...she would have been 44 last week. I wonder if anyone else feels how I've been feeling lately...I live in a dorm at college and everyone on the wing basically knows about my mom's death. And I'm careful to be open about it, because I don't want it to be awkward. But I feel like they ignore the fact that this catastrophic thing happened to me, and like they don't even care. But I know they do, and they just don't know what to say or do...I wouldn't and don't for hard things in their lives, either. So I struggle with myself cause I want to just sit them down and say, don't you realize that my mother is dead? Don't you realize how my life is devastated? ...but they're doing the best they know how and I couldn't possibly do that to them, but then it just gets shoved aside and the feeling sort of grows over time....am I just weird? anyone have any advice?

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sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry you've lost your Mom.

Forty-four is way too young.

I wish we always had the resources to be sympathetic, but so often we just don't;
we don't know what to say, or we feel weird, or we don't want to engage in what may turn out to be an uncomfortable conversation...
or we don't want to hear it, because we don't want to realize that it could happen to us.

Maybe you can sort of take your dorm friends 'out' of this part of your life, not expecting them to offer support but enjoying them for what they can offer.

You can reach out to other people for emotional sustenance with this;
on-campus or pastoral counselling, your own clergyperson, a grief support group...people who know how to respond to someone else's pain.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 11:39AM
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ting_ting

I'm sorry you lost your Mum so early.
I did too, but it was a while ago now, but I still like to stay in touch with her via TheCelestialMailroom
I email her regularly and it makes me feel better.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2008 at 12:36PM
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heydeborah

Hi,
our daughter (or is now my, i'm still not sure what to write), also lost her dad when she was 18, it has only been a little over a year for us. she was to go out of town to go to university and 2 weeks before i said to her maybe you should go to school here (we are a university and college city) incase something happens to your dad and you have to leave school early. so she went to school here, still on a scholarship, the university here was her last choice to go to, she did not want to go to school here, but she did on her scholarship, and told me everyday how much she hated the school here, (i would like to say that our home life is/was fine, so she didn't want to leave because of that, it was just that the outoftown school had more to offer), so on feb. 21 her dad was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and was taken off of life support the next evening.
she still says to me, i can't believe -so and so, says that they are so upset because they couldn't get a ticket to see a bank and go on and on, and my daughter says yah, but my dad died and you're worried about a ticket and they reply with nothing. they all know but they nothing. we had to go to the university to get some marks estimated i went with her, we also had to write a letter and attach a death certificate, do you know that not of the administration people offered us their sympathy? i worked in that office with most of those people too. i couldn't believe how cold they were, maybe they were told not to say anything to anyone as an office policy, i know that i didn't care when i worked there, i could just see the grief of some "kids" face someone who lived out of town, it was heartbreaking. i think that young people your age, don't know how to react, and perhaps that they have never lost someone as close to them. our son, is 5 years older than his sister, and he is employed, he was overwhelmed by the people he knows and so was i. but after 2 months these people seemed to "forget" us, which i read was normal.
do you have student services, for counselling? we don't have anything here like that and the same for grief support for even me. if i had a gambling problem i could get a ton of help (we now have a casino here). i see people who knew my husband and they just don't know how to even say, i'm sorry.
so i will say to you, i am so sorry for your loss.

debbie

    Bookmark   May 27, 2008 at 11:24AM
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vera_thommen_gymliestal_ch

Hey ilovealyssum

i lots my mom when i was 12.now im 19. she died in a car accident. i lost her from one moment to the other. i know this pain. its hard to describe and therefore only comprehensible to people who have had such a horrible experience. you know every person has to deal with hard situations-ours might be exceptionally hard-but still, nobody's life is just easy and sugary. imagine how depressing and sad our world would be when every one always talks about the terrible things and would always cry with you and be compassionate.i know that sometimes it is your biggest wish..but turst me, you would feel so much worse since no one would cheer you up.life has to go on in order to get enjoyable again! and it will be,trust me! therefore get up,live and don't judge others when they dont feel like being sad. don't expect too much and remember you are much more mature than your peers who still have their parents. whenever you feel like crying and being huged call a good friend, god mother, neightbour and so on but dont go out there and get depressed coz you college friends want to be happy!
i wish you all the best and lots of strenght! thank you for posting this article! i think there is way to less advice for people like us out there...
love

    Bookmark   February 17, 2011 at 4:02PM
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