Missing my partner

Diane_blueMarch 20, 2005

My husband passed away on Feb.8th. The first month I must have been in shock because it didn't hurt like it does now - suddenly I am paralyzed with grief and unable to carry out the simplest of things. I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head until it doesn't hurt so much but I am raising a grandaughter and have to get up and go to work every day whether I feel like it or not.

I don't ever want to forget him and the wonderful times we had but I just don't want to have his memory color every moment of every day. I keep feeling this emptiness that I just can't fill.

I don't expect anyone to help - I guess I just needed to vent.


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Diane, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. It must be so hard to function with work and with caring for your grandchild while you are grieving so much. I don't know how you do it. I know what you mean about not wanting the pain to outweigh everything in your life. I felt the same way. You don't want to forget them and it's a scary thought to have their memory fade, but you really don't want to live with grief for the rest of your life, either. I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but I think this is probably what you may mean. This is how I felt. I can only speak of grief from losing my daughter and my mom, but I can imagine that grief of losing a spouse is similar.
In time, the pain will become less and less intense. Time itself won't heal your pain, but there are a lot of things that you can do with the time to help ease the pain.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2005 at 1:13AM
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yes- that's shock, lass- and it's what gets us through the things that would kill us otherwise.

and it always fades before we're ready to face things again...

the only thing you really CAN do is to set aside an hour every day, and promise yourself at the end of the day that you're going to wrap yourself up in one of his old shirts, and miss him with your whole heart...

and go through the rest of the day trying to remember that, without the confines of a body that can only be in one place- he can be in heaven, or in cancun for that matter- and still by your side every minute of the day, marvelling at how much he is still loved.

do not allow yourself to become isolated- but don't let people smother you, either. you will have to find a new balance in your life- it's kind of like recovering from any other trauma- like my father in law's stroke. it's all about learning to do things over and over again.

my grandmom divorced my grandfather, and was rotten to him when he remarried (this wasn't much done in the 40's)...

and she still missed him at odd moments- she always used to break down crying in march, claiming he wasn't there to help with the taxes any more.

eventually, you will pass from shock, through despair, and enter a memorial stage of greif... the greif never goes away, but the expression of it changes, and it can become a truely noble thing, in time.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2005 at 11:27AM
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diane i think our close loved spouses truly become our partners in life. when they are taken from us, we feel a tremendous sense of loss, not only for them, but that part of our very being has been ripped away. raising your grandaughter will likely force you to face every day in ways you may not have were she not there with you. and your grandaughter will need you to help keep the memories of her grandpa alive.
i am so sorry for your loss. prayers sent to you for strength.


    Bookmark   March 26, 2005 at 5:20AM
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Diane - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm there, too, just a few months ahead of you. I understand that emptiness. I've heard people say that it feels like half of you is gone - well, for me it felt much more than half. I felt like most of me was gone and I felt like I was dead inside. The message my son passed along to my boss was that I didn't know when I would be back to work. I was on that roller coaster of emotion: a few minutes of talking with a friend - almost normally - then suddenly breaking down, sobbing like a baby. I went back after 3 weeks (I'm very fortunate that I work for a person who is very understanding). My husband died last September just 12 days before his birthday. Having also lost my Dad in September years before it's no wonder I think I'll dislike that month forever. BUT - here is the part you need to hear: Yes, you get up and go to work and simply do what you have to do. At first it's monumental and as time goes by it becomes easier. When friends want you to come for dinner you go and after a while you find you can contribute; but friends - true friends - understand and they just want to do for you. It's ok to be a taker for a while because those friends know it will just be a matter of time before you are able to give again. Some days I still feel like a heavy weight is on me and it's hard to lift my foot to take a step. That's the grief depression and it comes and goes - but it always seems to be just under the surface. I know you must be tired of hearing people say that in time it gets easier. I'm not sure if it gets easier because of time or if it's just that we get used to the new life we've been shoved into. Either way, I don't cry as much now and I still hurt but it's in a different way. Maybe a sadder way but not as sharp if that makes any sense. I still miss him but when you have a connection and a love and a life like Bob and I did I think that the missing him will go on for the rest of my days. I started therapy a few months ago and that has been helpful. I also started on a drug for my depression. My doctor and I talked and I told her that in the 5th month I felt I was going backwards - grieving more again, crying more. So I wanted something that was very mild just to take the edge off and allow me to be more calm. I made it clear I didn't want something to knock me out or make me numb because I knew I needed to keep doing what they call "grief work". (Who comes up with these names?). Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on but I thought if I shared with you where I am now it might help you to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Is my life like I want it? Absolutely not. But I can laugh with my friends again and I can play with my grandson (9 months old!) and have fun with him and I can spend time with my family and talk about things other than my pain. One of my biggest realizations was when I once commented about something I'd do when life got back to normal; that was the first time I really realized that I would have a new kind of normal and it might resemble the old normal but would never, ever be the same. So I'm working on my new normal and you will, too, in time. Just don't rush it - let it come to you. And it will. God bless you and I hope you are able to work your way through this scary and lonely time in your life.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2005 at 7:06AM
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It will be two weeks tomorrow since the love of my life left this world. I feel the lose that you all are talking about and ir hurts so bad. I wake up each day thinking maybe it was a nightmare and he will be sitting downstairs waiting for me with his smile that made my day.
His birthday is tommrow and out 50th anniversary would have been this Monday. I just can't believe he is gone.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2005 at 3:28PM
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I am also very sorry for you. I just wish I could fix everyone and everything so we wouldn't all have to feel this way.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2005 at 5:59PM
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God, it is over two months now and just seems to keep getting harder. I feel so much for everyone who is going through this, Donna, I send you hugs.
I wish I could do more but I can't tell you what it would mean to have his arms around me just one more time. Funny, he was sick and I was the one
carrying all the load but the moment I was in his arms everything was okay and I was safe. Now there isn't any safe place anymore. Thank you to everyone who has written, your kindness helps so much. I wish I could
answer more quickly but I keep withdrawing and just can't seem to get anything done.
God be with you all and in his arms we will find peace.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2005 at 9:08PM
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Diane, I know just what you mean, once I was close to him every thing would be ok.Together we could handle anything, but now I can't..I have spent the day in tears, I can't seem to control my sorrow.
Thanks to all on this forum..it is the only place I can truly say how I feel.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2005 at 12:17PM
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I lost my husband on March 4th to colon cancer that he fought for over 3 years with surgeries and chemo etc. He prepared me for this by talking and telling me and showing me things around the house and car that I really didn't know about.

I too was numb for the first month.....sometimes not sure of the date, day or time...missed meals as just not hungry...stuff like that. But the empty bed at night was horrible. I cried so much that I cried myself to sleep and woke up with tears. I bought a body pillow....I know...not the same but put on his tshirt and curled up with it at night. I can tell you that even his cat and my cat are now snuggling with it and I refer to it as "almost Daddy". Sick...maybe but it does help. I talk to his picture on the mantle as if it was him. I also started a diary of sorts and write to him about my day and things that are going on. I sure miss joking and laughing with him but hope that will ease in time. Not sure if any of this helps but its a time thing and these things have helped me along the way. Never easy to be left behind but I believe we will meet again and he still loves me as I can still feel it.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2005 at 7:19PM
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