The lost of my lil' angel

tooliveischristMarch 21, 2007

When i found out i was pregnant for the 3rd time , I was so happy. My kids were also happy to learn they would have another sibling, one they can play with and grow up with. My other two were 4 and 3 years old at that time. I was due in Dec. I found out it would be a boy and i was very excited to bring him into this world. At this point in time i was having a lot of problems in my relationship and looked forward to my bundle of joy. Dec. 9, 2000 @ 10 am i started feeling contractions , i rushed to the hospital and at 1:30 pm delivered a healthy baby boy. He was gorgeous, green eyes, light brownish hair , he was so precious. Family and friends came to visit what was one of the most precious babies delivered that day. I was such a proud mom. The day came when i took him home, my kids were eager to feed him, change his diaper and wrap up his christmas presents for what would be his first christmas. After all the sadness i was experincing before i had him, i finally felt so happy. I took him to his first appointment and i was told he was healthy and in good shape. On New Years eve night, i noticed my baby making a strange noise, I went to check up on him and he seemed to be okay, he woke up and i fed him. We were supposed to go out and celebrate with family members but because my two other kids were getting over a cold and my baby was an infant i decided to stay home with them and celebrate with them there. Through the night my baby who was only 3 weeks old, continued making that strange noise, i decided to call the doctor , left a message and the doctor on call returned my call shortly after. I explained what was going on and mentioned my 2 other kids were getting over a cold if it was possible my baby might be catching a cold? She adviced me to give him pediacare, give him saline drops for his nose and turn on a humidifier. I did all she adviced me to do. He continued making the same noise and i again called the doctor and asked if i should call an ambulance and take him to the hospital, i had no car at that time, she said no, that he would be okay that newborn babies made funny noises. I took her word for it because she was the " doctor ". Now, i have made a lot of mistakes during my life time but the biggest one was trusting her , that mistake cost me my son's life. The next day , he woke up to drink his formula,change his diaper and played with him while he stood up, he seemed fine, he then fell asleep in his rocker and i laid by him. That was about 6-7 am. At about 10 am , he was up again, i felt him moving and when i looked he had his eyes open looking at me, i started making funny faces at him, and doing that baby talk that us mothers do for our kids, and he smiled at me, oh i would never forget that smile. I played w/ him a bit and a while after he was asleep again. He always slept alot being that he was a newborn and i thought nothing of it , just that. Finally, noon time came and i thought i get him up to feed him , bath him and get him dress since it was new years day and he had a very nice outfit to wear. Grandma was coming over ! I started calling him by his nickname " Pupy " and he would not get up, i lifted him up and his little body was limp , he wasnt responding to me, i started panicking, crying out for him to wake up, i knew something was wrong, i called 911 and they told me to pinch his leg to see if he would react to it, he didnt, i then pinched him harder and still no reaction, i heard a knock and it was the police , they quickly started giving my baby CPR and i heard them saying he had a pulse, i thought what is wrong with my lil' angel, the paramedis came and rushed right out with him. I was yelling for them to please tell me what was wrong with him but instead the police asked me a few questions and offered to drive me and my kids to the hospital, i called my mother from the officers cell phone and when i got to the hospital i saw my mother and aunt crying, i asked what was wrong and it was then a nurse came up to me and said " I'm sorry, we tried all we could to bring him back, your baby is gone. I went crazy, asking why, what went wrong ! I hit the nurse, i flipped tables over i yelled asking god why my son !? When i was able to calm down a bit, the police officers wanted to ask me some questions, they said they were following procedures, which i understood but wished they would give me some time to gather myself up. Shortly after, the nurse asked me to go see him, to hold him one last time, i couldn't believe it, my son was gone, he was laying down in a deep sleep , i took him in my arms and held him for a very long time, asking god to please make him come back to me, i waited and waited but my son wouldnt wake up he was gone. I was told he dies of SIDS, for 3 months i believed that was the cause of his death until i got a call from my lawyer and he told me he dies of bronchial pmenonia ( mispelled ). He also said my baby suffered a period of 24 hours. I was devestaded. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just cry. I wanted to die and go with him but my other 2 kids were my strenght and they pulled me through. Is been 6 years and i still cry myself to sleep knowing my baby is gone, knowing he suffered, i feel quilty because i shouldnt of believe the doctor and should of called that ambulance. yet i trusted her. Today, i suffer from depression, i have lost interested in a lot of things i enjoyed long ago. I hate feeling this way, i want this feeling to go away but is so hard to fight it. I am constantly worrying about what can happen to my kids who are now 8 & 10 yrs old , i worry when they are at school, and am constantly having bad thoughts about what if... I know he is in a better place today but i will never stop asking myself, why me, why my baby ... I loved him so, still do, always will...

I know i will find some comfort in sharing my story with others and i know that any feedback will help me through this bumpy road thats always going to follow me. Thanks for listening to my story.

God bless you all.

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I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that I, nor anyone can do to make you feel better, but know that all of us that read this have an aching in our hearts for you. God Bless, and feel free to write any time you need to. Sending you a big hug from NY

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 6:31AM
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I am so sorry for you loss, I can't even imagine what you are going through. Your lil' angel is watching you and encouraging you to go on, you have his siblings counting on you. I just want to hug you. God Bless.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 10:08AM
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Please don't beat yourself up. You did the very best you could; it sounds like you are a wonderful mom. Maybe you could find a therapist or group to help you. It DOES help to be able to talk about it. Losing a child is the worst pain a person could feel. You are in my prayers; please come back often...we're here to listen.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 11:20AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. As a father of three, I would know of nothing that would be worse than losing a child. On a related topic, I write for some local web blogs and a while back and I ran into a band named Cloud Cult, out of Minneapolis, MN. I was so enticed by their sound and music, I decided to write about them. I mentiuon it here only because I know many folks who have gone through the gut wrenching loss of a child could relate to this writer. Below is some of my review:

The group is lead by Craig Minowa, and was more or less of a garage band that played the local Minneapolis scene. Apparently Minowa held a variety of jobs including environmental activist, organic farmer, etc. He and his wife had a two year old son who passed away from unexplained circumstances. The death of the child apparently was devastating to Minowa. In time, he drifted apart from his wife and everyone in his life, became a hermit on his small MN farm, spent close to two years doing nothing but writing songs; songs that explored life, death, and general human mortality. The end result of this writing endevor produced three albums in the following years, They Live on the Sun," Aurora Borialis," Advice from the Happy Hippopotamus," and a soon to be released CD, available on their Website, "The Meaning of 8." Their music is simply brilliant.
The physical body flesh is a recurring theme in Minowa's music. Does man's spirit persist after its shell breaks down? "I want to start fresh, I bought a new shirt, got new socks but my skin is still me, with memories," Minowa sings on "Start New", but "Living on the Outside of Your Skin" he attempts to break those bonds with a toy piano and a growling guitar solo. "What Comes at the End" ponders reunion, reincarnation and "fall[ing] in love in our new skin." The elaborately off-the-cuff "You Got Your Bones to Make a Beat" celebrates existence and gives hope for the future....
I know this probably isn't the place for me to be leaving music reviews, but your post reminded me of this band, and I know I find a sense of hope and optimism when I listen and perhaps you may as well. You can hear tracks from this group at their website, below

Here is a link that might be useful: Cloud Cult

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 6:37PM
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For your kind words, i find great comfort in them. I never talk to anyone about this, but i'm glad i chose to write it all down here. Again, Thanks...

Ross939, Thanks for taking the time to share this information with me, it's appreaciated, i will take a look at the link you attached on your posting. God Bless you, always !

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 8:50PM
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