The lost of my lil' angel
When i found out i was pregnant for the 3rd time , I was so happy. My kids were also happy to learn they would have another sibling, one they can play with and grow up with. My other two were 4 and 3 years old at that time. I was due in Dec. I found out it would be a boy and i was very excited to bring him into this world. At this point in time i was having a lot of problems in my relationship and looked forward to my bundle of joy. Dec. 9, 2000 @ 10 am i started feeling contractions , i rushed to the hospital and at 1:30 pm delivered a healthy baby boy. He was gorgeous, green eyes, light brownish hair , he was so precious. Family and friends came to visit what was one of the most precious babies delivered that day. I was such a proud mom. The day came when i took him home, my kids were eager to feed him, change his diaper and wrap up his christmas presents for what would be his first christmas. After all the sadness i was experincing before i had him, i finally felt so happy. I took him to his first appointment and i was told he was healthy and in good shape. On New Years eve night, i noticed my baby making a strange noise, I went to check up on him and he seemed to be okay, he woke up and i fed him. We were supposed to go out and celebrate with family members but because my two other kids were getting over a cold and my baby was an infant i decided to stay home with them and celebrate with them there. Through the night my baby who was only 3 weeks old, continued making that strange noise, i decided to call the doctor , left a message and the doctor on call returned my call shortly after. I explained what was going on and mentioned my 2 other kids were getting over a cold if it was possible my baby might be catching a cold? She adviced me to give him pediacare, give him saline drops for his nose and turn on a humidifier. I did all she adviced me to do. He continued making the same noise and i again called the doctor and asked if i should call an ambulance and take him to the hospital, i had no car at that time, she said no, that he would be okay that newborn babies made funny noises. I took her word for it because she was the " doctor ". Now, i have made a lot of mistakes during my life time but the biggest one was trusting her , that mistake cost me my son's life. The next day , he woke up to drink his formula,change his diaper and played with him while he stood up, he seemed fine, he then fell asleep in his rocker and i laid by him. That was about 6-7 am. At about 10 am , he was up again, i felt him moving and when i looked he had his eyes open looking at me, i started making funny faces at him, and doing that baby talk that us mothers do for our kids, and he smiled at me, oh i would never forget that smile. I played w/ him a bit and a while after he was asleep again. He always slept alot being that he was a newborn and i thought nothing of it , just that. Finally, noon time came and i thought i get him up to feed him , bath him and get him dress since it was new years day and he had a very nice outfit to wear. Grandma was coming over ! I started calling him by his nickname " Pupy " and he would not get up, i lifted him up and his little body was limp , he wasnt responding to me, i started panicking, crying out for him to wake up, i knew something was wrong, i called 911 and they told me to pinch his leg to see if he would react to it, he didnt, i then pinched him harder and still no reaction, i heard a knock and it was the police , they quickly started giving my baby CPR and i heard them saying he had a pulse, i thought what is wrong with my lil' angel, the paramedis came and rushed right out with him. I was yelling for them to please tell me what was wrong with him but instead the police asked me a few questions and offered to drive me and my kids to the hospital, i called my mother from the officers cell phone and when i got to the hospital i saw my mother and aunt crying, i asked what was wrong and it was then a nurse came up to me and said " I'm sorry, we tried all we could to bring him back, your baby is gone. I went crazy, asking why, what went wrong ! I hit the nurse, i flipped tables over i yelled asking god why my son !? When i was able to calm down a bit, the police officers wanted to ask me some questions, they said they were following procedures, which i understood but wished they would give me some time to gather myself up. Shortly after, the nurse asked me to go see him, to hold him one last time, i couldn't believe it, my son was gone, he was laying down in a deep sleep , i took him in my arms and held him for a very long time, asking god to please make him come back to me, i waited and waited but my son wouldnt wake up he was gone. I was told he dies of SIDS, for 3 months i believed that was the cause of his death until i got a call from my lawyer and he told me he dies of bronchial pmenonia ( mispelled ). He also said my baby suffered a period of 24 hours. I was devestaded. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just cry. I wanted to die and go with him but my other 2 kids were my strenght and they pulled me through. Is been 6 years and i still cry myself to sleep knowing my baby is gone, knowing he suffered, i feel quilty because i shouldnt of believe the doctor and should of called that ambulance. yet i trusted her. Today, i suffer from depression, i have lost interested in a lot of things i enjoyed long ago. I hate feeling this way, i want this feeling to go away but is so hard to fight it. I am constantly worrying about what can happen to my kids who are now 8 & 10 yrs old , i worry when they are at school, and am constantly having bad thoughts about what if... I know he is in a better place today but i will never stop asking myself, why me, why my baby ... I loved him so, still do, always will...
I know i will find some comfort in sharing my story with others and i know that any feedback will help me through this bumpy road thats always going to follow me. Thanks for listening to my story.
God bless you all.