Now I am an orphan
I lost my mother on February 23. She died in Ireland, after suffering for five months with esophageal cancer. I was not with her when she died, though I was able to visit her in early February. My dad (they were divorced for thirty years) died in September of 2005. I was very close to both my parents, I grieved deeplly when my Dad died, but Mum dying has just unhinged me. She had a complicated life; she was alcoholic and it was pretty turbulent for many years, but she was sober those last five months and we got to see her twice, for brief visits.
I'm in my mid-fifties, and I have three siblings. We all have full lives, kids, husbands, houses, work. But I am going around in a fog, waking up at three in the morning, disconnected from everything, totally numb.
I probably need therapy, but I've had my fill of that route, 25 years and not a whole lot of respect for the profession at this point. Everything just seems pointless and uninteresting.
To cap it off, we lost my father in law in December, and my mother in law (94) is basically having a meltdown--has never lived alone and now refuses to leave the house they lived in together for 60 years, refuses to have live in or even part-time help, so my husband has his emotional hands full keeping tabs on her (she lives about half an hour away, on the top floor of a two family house they own).
I am not suicidal, just completely drained and numb. My work is very demanding (physically) and my one outlet that has always saved me, my horse, is sort of sabotaged since she has been seriously lame for four months and is in the middle of a fairly expensive and time consuming rehab program.
I really sound like I'm whining, but I'm not. Just had to vent it all in print, I guess.
Thanks for listening.