Numb and dead inside

sofiekatzMarch 24, 2007

My mother died two weeks ago. She was my best friend and I loved her very much. She was sick with cancer for two years.

While she was dying, I could not imagine life without her and I did not go through a day without crying. I lost about 30 pounds and basically stopped taking care of myself.

Now, I am dead inside. I am numb. I am not grieving like I thought I would. I am sleepwalking through my life. I don't cry. I don't feel. I am dead inside.

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Sophie, do you have any other family members? Anyone you care about, who cares about you?

It sounds as though you could really benefit from grief counseling. I hope you'll take the necessary steps to get some help.

Your mother would not want you to shut down like this. I know she wants a better life for her daughter. It might help if you try to give yourself what she would want you to have.


    Bookmark   March 24, 2007 at 8:50PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
My mother passed away just 5 weeks ago, so I know a little of what you are going through. The first 3 weeks for me were just as you describe. Then the grief hit me. At some point you'll feel it too and the deadness will start to go away.
Your life has been all wrapped around hers for 2 years and it will take some time before you even know what to do to fill up all the hours that you devoted to her.
You were a good daughter and the gifts of time and love that you gave her can't be measured.


    Bookmark   March 24, 2007 at 9:25PM
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Thank you for your responses.

I really have no family that I am close to. I know I need counseling, but there is not one to take care of me, so I don't get it done. Good advice, but I just go to work and go home and that's all.

I just don't understand. I am a very emotional person, and before my mother died I cried all the time. I could not drive, shower or go to bed without crying. I know I am not finished, but I don't know why. I do know that there is an abyss before me.

Thank you.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2007 at 10:58PM
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I understand what you are going through and how it is confusing. I have also lost my mom as well as my 19 year old daughter. They were both the joy of my life. I was totally numb and in shock after both of them left us. I didn't feel anything. I worried because I didn't cry. I didn't even cry at my own child's funeral, wake, or in the hospital. (She was fatally injured trying to save our dog who had been hit by a car. A truck hit her). When I first saw her in the hospital I just stood there staring at her. I didn't even talk to her or touch her. I know now, that it is our body's defense mechanism that kicks in during times like this. Our bodies can't absorb the grief and horror at the time, so it is delayed and comes gradually as we can handle it better. I was relieve to learn that since I felt a little guilty for not showing more emotion for two people in my life who were so very special to me.
Just take each day as you can. The emotion will come.
Also, try to remember that your mom gave you life and wants you to live it happily. You will see her again!! :-)

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Website

    Bookmark   March 25, 2007 at 9:27PM
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I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I would like to tell you that it's going to be easy but it's not. My mother died from cancer over a yr ago after a three yr battle with cancer. The first few days I was in denial just going threw the motions..however I wasn't eatting or sleeping kinda what you are describing. Give it time the grief part will eventually hit you the way you think it should (especially the tears). For how long I cant say, it's been some time for me now and the tears and days of depression still haven't stoped completely. Every person is differant however. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. It is okay to grive and everyone does it in there own way but just make sure you are taking care of yourself on top of it. Stay healthy!! I wish you the best!! and am again very sry for your loss!

Here is a link that might be useful: myspace

    Bookmark   March 26, 2007 at 12:19AM
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Lulie, Cristin,

I am sorry for what was taken from you in your lives. Thank you for your thoughts. I am so sorry for what happened to you and the holes it left in your lives.

Today my mother was interred and I did not cry. I am dead inside. I don't feel guilty because I know I love her and loved her. I just don't know how long this will go on. I have to go back to work. People at work act like I never had a mother or she never died. No one offered condolences.

I do not take care of myself because now I have no reason to. I don't care what happens to me.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2007 at 9:42PM
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Sophie if you are reading this, go to the nearest hospital emergency room and ask to speak to a doctor. Tell him exactly what you've told us and ask for help as you're afraid for your future and don't want to lose your job. They will find people for you to talk to and to help you. You feel awful now and don't think you'll ever feel better, but you can if you only give yourself that one chance, pick yourself up one time and do it.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2007 at 7:23PM
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Sophie, first, I'm sorry for your loss. You say you feel numb and dead inside but I read a great deal of emotion in your words -- so the emotions are there, but your mind is keeping them at bay for right now. Sometimes that happens -- when something is so overwhelming, we just can't cope with it, so our mind "hides" it from us until we're able to cope.

The dam will break and you will feel again.

People, especially those who haven't lost someone they're close to, can feel very awkward about death and what to say... your coworkers probably don't mean to be insensitive but don't know what to say or are afraid to bring up your loss because they don't want to cause you pain, not realizing that their silence hurts.

As suggested above, the depth to which you're falling means you would benefit from professional help. Please go. Get help now. I can't imagine that your mother would want you to give up and stop caring.

Grieving is long and painful and slow and just when you think you're coming out of it, it can come back and smack you over the head (and in your heart) again, but time does heal all wounds... please get help, please give yourself time, be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and do the best you can. And let us know how you're doing.

Take good and gentle care.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 9:43AM
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