should I call or write this person? to help with closure

farfraeMarch 23, 2013

I dated a guy that I really cared about in my senior year of high school. But when his family moved that was the end of it. This was 25 years ago. Broke my heart at that time. I finished college, got married, but that marriage did not last. About 10 years after I last saw him he was back in town but I did not know. He was in trouble with drugs and took his own life. If I had known he was in town I would have reached out to help him even if my marriage was really good.

Fast forward, I am now in a healthy marriage. But I think I never grieved properly for both the time he left after high school and when he died.
Just a few weeks ago I saw some info about him on a genealogy website. And it hit me hard, kind of like I felt 25 years ago. I have been very emotional about all of this lately. I feel like I need to talk with someone for closure. His sister lives about 4 hrs from me. I was thinking of writing her and sending copies of photos that I have of him. I would just like to talk with someone who could tell me about him and for me to tell her that I remember him fondly.
Do you think I should call or write? I did not know her well back in my high school days because she had left home by then.The whole thing is haunting me. Some people have said this would be healing for both her and me. But I have never been the bold type of person and I am worried about hurting her.

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You say you have a healthy marriage but if you are looking back it may not stay that way. I think if you casually mention to her that you came across some old photos of him & had heard that he had passed so thought she might want them. She may be very happy about that or she may hang up or tell you no, it's over, he's gone. (Her feelings may be relief that he isn't bugging her any more or just the opposite. I made up booklets of pics I took before & after a funeral(I had the family's permission) 1 booklet for kids that had moved so each would have 1 & the wife & man's dad- well, he nearly threw it in my face. It was cover pic of the person pic they had at the service provided by family, then 2 pics close up of the flowers with casket just so you got a glimpse of person & another from quite a distance away as historical looking beautiful church. I was very careful not to take pics after guests arrived or during service(someone else did take pics & people were very upset) then I took couple at grave site,1 of family& 1 that best showed the beautiful cloud formation & trees, rolling hills with casket in center- lovely last memory . Whole family loved bookets- 8x10 photos in color except his father(maybe his emotions were too raw) also gave then CD's of all the pics. They may never look at them or may look at them a lot. The kids are in college. It had got to be rough so just a little bit of daddy might help them through. So tread carefully as you never know what she will be like. You could just send her copies of the pics & your address or phone number & let her decide if she wants to talk to you. She was related to him & since you are not it should be her call. Just mention you had heard he passed & thought you might want these pics. Then she can take it from there or leave it alone. You may get more feelings of guilt or thinking you still care about him if you talk about it with her. Stick with your healthy marriage & make it even better. Some say marriage is 50/50 no it isn't those marriages die. Marriage is 100/100 you picked him, you would give him a kidney, have his baby, see him through a serious illness etc. You have a live guy that loves you!! Don't daydream of what might have been cause from this side of the fence(my wonderful hubby died at 48 yrs old) you are lucky-blessed to have a good marriage- make it stronger, make it better, the more you do for him usually the more he'll do for you!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2013 at 6:57PM
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Thank you for your reply. It just hurts to think of him like that - he had everything going for him. My husband is very understanding about this issue. I guess I was looking for info on what happened after school. Kind of like if he were alive and on facebook. Not looking to sabotage my life.

The reason I wrote to this forum is because it hit me so hard, and I was crying a lot. Sometimes I still cry over my deceased parents and sister. My sister died from chronic drug use.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2013 at 8:56AM
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I understand how you feel, but for all involved leave the past in the past, if you dont someone will get hurt.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2013 at 7:03PM
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Always painful to see someone with what looks like bright future go into drugs. I think every job should require drug testing to get it from 1st job for kids in HS on so they can realize that drugs won't get you very far in life. You will always miss your parents & sister, that's normal & natural. Learn to enjoy what you have now & your hubby & kids & try not to spend too much time on all this media stuff as people are losing their ability to talk face to face & real friendship is when you can hug the person, kiss your hubby or kids, put your arm around a friend. Phones, Internet, Facebook friends don't do those things. Real people do. Do you know there was article in paper not long ago that said they were teaching HS kids how to talk to girls/boys as lot of them weren't dating. They were playing games on phones, blackberries etc & didn't have a clue how to ask anyone out. Teen yrs should be learning about boys/girls, casual talking so find out what they are like etc then you get your nerve up to ask someone out when you decide they are "easy to talk to" if you miss those encounters when you are young, gets hard to meet someone when you are out of college I imagine. Do you make popcorn or cookies from scratch, invite kids friends over leaving their phones in their jackets & playing games, talking,do you have couples over to chat & have coffee. My relatives are so glued to their phones that they can hardly carry on conversation or they spend the visit in another room talking on the phone. Glad I have good friends to talk ,laugh with, do things with, without the phones. Crying can be good but too much can get you depressed so search out happy things to do to get you out of funk. Doing things with your kids should get you laughing. Lots of hugs & kisses & no, kids are never too old for hugs & kisses. My son gives the best hugs!! Both of his gramdma's told me often that they loved his hugs. Lot in a hug, means person cares, many older folks have lost their parents & only hugs they get are from friend or grandkids ,hubbies sometimes aren't much for hugging. That's sad because wife doesn't feel nearly as loved. My honey gave me a long hug & kiss(that was at 6:30 am I was a mess, he looked into my eyes & said I love you! Got call from hospital at 11 am found out he was dead. What a wonderful memory he left me, every man should be so sweet & caring & it goes both ways, we all ran out to meet him each night when he got home. Neighbors commented on it, I thought it was normal. Make your family center of your universe(& God) & you will be happy!! Hope you will find the strength to let go of past.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2013 at 6:49PM
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If my brother had died, I'd be grateful if someone were to write & ask me if I'd like some photos & if I'd like to talk about him.

edited to add:

Many years ago, I rode a big yellow school bus to Travis Elementary School;
one of the other kids was Sammy McDaniel, the smartest kid in our class.

During my sixth grade year, my family moved, & Sammy & I no longer went to the same school.

I lost track of him until our senior year in high school, & he & I never quite made it back to "friends".
I had become very shy & self-conscious, &, although I didn't realize it at the time, Sammy might well have been depressed.

Then we graduated, & Sammy joined the army.

He died in Viet Nam.

This was over 40 years ago, & I still sometimes wish I had someone to talk to about him, & I still sometimes wish I had called or written to his mother.

This post was edited by sylviatexas on Wed, Mar 27, 13 at 19:34

    Bookmark   March 27, 2013 at 7:13PM
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Thank you again everyone for your posts. I guess I think more like Sylvie.
My husband is ok with this, really. He does not feel threatened.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2013 at 12:21PM
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