i too lost someone 3 weeks ago too

heydeborahMarch 15, 2007

hi, i used to post on the caregiver forum, but 3 weeks ago i lost my husband of 25 years. my Al was a diabetic, double above the knee amputee, could hardly see and had heart problems, but i and my 2 children (now ages 23 and 18) we the only ones who cared for him, his relatives were useless (i won't continue with that one). Al had been fine he even went to the doctor that monday, wed, early in the am he asked our dd (the 18 yr old) for a glass of water, then he was sick. the alarm clock went off at 815 i called from the kitchen aren't you going to turn it off, no reply so i went into the bedroom where he was sitting up in bed and he slurred the words i can't, then i turned off the alarm and it went off again 5 minutes later, i went and turned off the alarm and said to my dd i think i better call 911, they were at our house within minutes and he was nonresponsive, i followed in our car, at the er they said his blood sugars were way up there so high they couldn't take a reading but they did say it was in the 60's he was still in a coma and they though where they got his blood sugars down he would come around. he was moved into the imcu and had a catscan which didn't show anything then the mri, which showed he had a massive stroke on this left side. the doctor talk to me and our son (the 23yr old) and since Al was on life support, i chose to have the machines turned off at 7 pm, so the children could say goodbye, my dd went with my friend but our son decided to stay he passed away at 9:54 pm, my sil and i are not speaking, so i had my friend call her to tell her to go to the hospital, she was there when the priest came to give him his last rites. he was still hanging on when she started screaming at me (which she does to everyone, so it wasn't the shock of her brother, we never saw he except to drop off gifts at holiday time) that i should have him cremated and just where was i getting money to pay for a furneral, and don't look at her for help (i will also say she is very,very well off). i told her i didn't care right now. she also said i should have the funeral at the end of town she lives in, gee, i only live 8 blocks away from one, after he passed the nurse said that not to make any rush decisions so i waited until the saturday to go to the funeral home, my friend came with me. i picked out a very modest blue casket with pewter and had a graveside service -- where over 100 people came (i was generally touched by this because we live in northern canada) and people still came out, infact some didn't get to go because there was no more room for them to get in to the cemetery. i also had no flowers. Al's 2 other sisters flew in but none of them talked to us, they just gave me a disgusted look. my husband was very modest and we have never lived beyond our means. 3 weeks before he passed he got me a puppy for my birthday, her name was supposed to be cloe, but at the last minute he started calling her Gracie Joy.

i had to go to the college where he was employed on monday to sign papers and see the lawyer, yesterday i had to go to government offices and get a ton of papers done there, then it hit me yesterday, i am a 51year old widow, i too just cry, i took all his clothes out of our bedroom and just threw them in the back porch and my dd painted my room a different colour. my Al was basically bedridden for 10 or so years nd friends say i guess your kindof glad he's not in pain anymore and you can get on with your life, this just makes me cry even more, they don't realize that even though he was bedridden we'd just be with him all his waking hours even if it was just watching tv or reading an article to him from the newspaper. i feel that we have nothing to be guilty over, i took wonderful care of him, and so did the kids and i did everything that he would have wanted for his funeral. our friends had a tea for him, but we have this massive apple tree in our backyard that Al used to prune and it was his pride and joy, so i thought in june when it was in blood i'd have a memorial in our backyard for him. we also live by the cememtary and in 3 weeks i have went there about 8 times. i know that it's supposed to be easier in time, but i wish i knew when that would be, and people saying things like you're young you'll findsomeone else.

thank you again for reading this lengthy message


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I am so sorry for your loss, you loved your Al so much and you had done so much to make his life bearable with all his health problems, you are a wonderful person and a perfect wife to Al, he must have loved you so much too. I think it is absolutely disgusting that people would say that you are young enough to get another man, that is such a cruel thing to say to someone who just lost the love of their life. Yes, we are happy that our loved one isn't suffering any more but we still wish that they hadn't had to die for them to lose their pain. I hold onto the faith that I will see my darling husband in Heaven when I get there. I am glad that you have your children, they are a great source of comfort but the pain of the loss is excrutiating.There are a lot of things you have to take care of after a death and it can take months to get it all done but take your time. The best piece of advice I got from everyone was don't rush into anything, take you time and make sure the decision is right for you before you go ahead. My husband died three months ago and I still haven't taken his shirts out of the closet, I will soon, but when the time is right for me. The memorial by his apple tree sounds like the perfect thing and he will be smiling and saying "this is beautiful Debbie".

God Bless you and your family, I wish you well.


PS>If you can, find a bereavement group in you area, maybe the church or the hospital, I did and it has been a great source of comfort.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2007 at 7:05PM
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I'm so sorry that you've lost your Al. Yes, it will get better with time, but after 3 weeks, you are probably just beginning the grieving process. Give yourself plenty of time. There is no timetable. Do what you need to do for yourself and your children. I think people are awkward with death and say the wrong things without meaning to hurt you. I know, it still does hurt, though. People occasionally say to us...well, I'm glad you've gotten over it. Losing someone you love is nothing you ever get over; you just learn to deal with it better as time goes on. You're in my prayers.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2007 at 9:18AM
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Debbie, with all of the stuff going on with his family, I really doubt it's even hit you fully yet. You're probably in shock and may be for a few months. One day it will hit you, then it begins.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You need to stop feeling guilty, because it doesn't sound like you have anything to regret. I don't doubt his "family" didn't drop by to see how he was or sit with him, or heck, ease the load on you and your 2 kids.

To me, they should be the ones sufferring the regret, etc. Please try to get some counseling, especially for the kids. It has to be hard on them to not have those "relatives" to lean on, especially at a time like this. It may hit them that your family is there but his is not.

Try to take care of yourself. Shame on them for not allowing you and your kids respect at this time after your loss.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2007 at 2:33PM
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