Wifes Suicide

zonaloboMarch 8, 2009

On February 23, 2009 my wife of 50 years took an overdose of pain medication and after 21 days in ICU died of double pneumonia. Me and my children are truly devastated over this as our marriage was close to perfect. The day this happened she had gone to bible study for 3 hours came home happy we had diner and then sometime before or after she took the pills. When I saw her she was out of it and I called 911. I am having a hard time understanding and MISS HER so much. I have gone to a group support and came home more depressed than when I went. I thought I was starting to do well as friends told me they thought I was handling this extremely well for a short period of time. I will not go back as all I heard from the group was sadness and depression after 3 and 5 years. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. I talk to her picture, talk to her ashes say good morning and goodnight to her. I was told by a counselor that this is a good thing. So in short people I thank you for listening and appreciate if anyone has experienced what I am going through.

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I don't post on this forum, but wander here every once in a while, I am so sorry to hear about your wife, I understand what you going through...On Jan 12th,2009 my sister committed suicide, she hung herself with a rope in her living room, just as with your wife, she seemed to have a completely normal day (for me I talked to her the day before they are not certain on day off death) and there was no indication whatsoever to me that she was feeling suicidal. She even emailed me her resume for me to look over..
You know I don't think it is odd at all that you talk to your wife's picture and ashes, I have done the same, I also have my sister's ashes, for right now she is in my kitchen, I couldn't bear to just stick her in a closet somewhere...when I make breakfast, or have something on my mind I talk to her as well......maybe it is just part of the process..i am not sure....
I think when someone dies by there own hand, that there is a different type of grief that you feel than if someone had been ill or in an accident...my sister chose to die, and that is what I am having such a hard time with and I am sure you are too. There are a lot of good resources on the web, I thought about going to a support group, but haven't, I have found that writing my sister letters has helped me in some way, I don't think it has made things any easier, but it has helped me feel connected to her, and sort through a lot of the questions I have that surround her death. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I can't my pain is too new as well and I honestly don't think this grief will ever heal..

    Bookmark   March 10, 2009 at 3:06PM
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I am so sorry for both of you. The loss is so sudden and unexpected. How strange to talk to and see loved ones who appear to be well and then lose them. Both of your scenarios seem very odd.

My Dad passed a little over one year ago. He was found unconscious on the garage floor, with no coat on, on a snowy day, with a fractured skull in a pool of blood. No autopsy was done and heart attack was the presumed cause of death.

I will never get the image of that out of my mind. I will probably always wonder what lead up to his death.

I am sorry you suffer with your loss.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2009 at 10:39PM
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Thank you for the follow-ups, at this time any words of help are sure welcome.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 11:01AM
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Hello sweety...Im not sure if what I have to say will touch a piece of you where it is needed but I hope that in some way it does...My mother did the same 4 yrs ago. She was only 54 and had battled with depression and other things her whole life. I grew up in a household that was to say the least,"chaotic." She threatened suicide on a reagular basis. I was the one person in her life that was always there to pic up the pieces and tell her it was going to be ok. Four yrs ago she called me in a panic with another one of her episodes. I was at work landscaping in 90 degree weather,very tired and was feeling impacient with her.We had several conversations that day.. She would hang up on me and then promtly call back. Then came the threat!" Im going to kill myself!" Well being that I had finally lost my patience with her after 34 yrs,I said,"You know what mom,just do it!" and hung up the phone. She tried to call me three more times and I just let it go to my voice mail.I waited till I got home to listen to them. She apologized for everything she had done in her life and for what she was going to do and told me how much she loved me and then said good bye... Now you see, on a regular occasion weeks could go by and we would'nt talk.Two weeks went by and I get a phone call from a good friend of mine and she tells me that I need to come to her house that it was very important! I could tell in her voice it was important.I went right away.When I got there I was faced with two Detectives.They introduced them selves and then with their deapest regrets informed me that my mother had commited suicide... The one time in my life that I ever got fed up with her and told her to just do it,she did... Those were the last words I got to say to my mom....For a long time after I blamed myself...I thought that there was some thing that "I" could have done differently,Maybe something that I sould have noticed or should have said differently other than,go ahead... But what I have come to realize is that in no way was this my fault...When people make "their" decision to take their life, it is on their terms! I don't know if you or your children in any way silently or verbaly blaim yourselves,but if yall do,"STOP!" We all in this situation feel responsable in some way or another because it is human nature to do so...To question things and role them around in our head... Only God knows why these things happen and there is DEFF a plan for everything and every one on this beautiful planet!Your wife suffered silently about things in her life that im sure either no one or very few people knew of...If she could go back and change things I know she would! She is with you and your family all the time as my mom is with me:)Pay attention to the things around you,I bet she sends you small thing to let you know that she is there.My mom sends me pennies and Hearts.When I feeling down or have questions on things I find a penny or a heart in the stangest places some times! Know that you are not alone in this big but some how small planet sweetheart and I am praying for you and yours as I type!;)Time will help heal the pain but know it will always be a part of you and its ok to let go and move on. You will see her again, I promise!

    Bookmark   March 13, 2009 at 3:37PM
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Maybe she did not mean to do this. Maybe she took her meds, and they did not react as fast as she thought they should and she took them again. We do not know why something like this happens and I hope you can find a support group more positive than the one you went to. There are many ways to start the healing process. With Spring just starting, this is one way. Outside, with all the beatiful trees, flowers etc. My thoughts and prayers are with you for start the process. You will have many ups and downs and very few handle this type of death without getting angry, sad, remember happy times, talking about the good and bad times with someone. Do you have a Pastor, prefer older one? even someone at the funeral home may help or guide to some one. Remember the good times and share them with your family. Even the sad times. One day at a time and it will take at least a year because you need to do the holidays a day at a time.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2009 at 9:57PM
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You should go back to the grief support group. My wife of 41 years passed away Sept. 28,2008 after 5 weeks in ICU. You will talk to her picture,beg her to come back and simply break down doing the simplest things such as going to a store where you shopped together. The support group is about the only place where the people understand how you feel and will let you talk about it. Your friends and family don't want to talk and if you do after a bit they want to change the subject. You cannot avoid the grief, you have to go through it. There are good books in the library on it. One I have read is "Grief Journey,A walk in the Shadow of Death". If you are near a larger hospital they may have a grief counselor, go and talk to them at least once. When it happened to me it felt as though someone had torn me in half and I don't believe that will ever heal. I found there is nothing that can prepare you for losing a spouse and the only people who can understand are those who have been there. Please find someone to talk with, and yes cry with. You have lost someone you loved and lived with for 50 years, you will miss her terribly and I feel so sorry for you to have to go through this. Please write more here even though it is hard and we are strangers it does help a little.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2009 at 10:04PM
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I can't find words to describe how reading about this made me feel except all the replys are so full of warmth. And I too am so sorry for your losses and what you must be going through. I know the 1st time out at a support group seems so awkward but please try to go again and give it a chance. If not try going to http://www.griefshare.org type in your zipcode to locate a 'griefshare support group' in your area and I think you'll find it soothing.

I lost my dear mom and brother and goto a local griefshare support group every week and it's done me alot of good, plus I have come to know and care for my fellow group members after recognizing I was becoming an isolated recluse prior to joining. I still go through explicit flashbacks unexpectedly like before but now I know I am not alone and have people expecting to hear from me which makes a difference. I hope you stay around here and continue to post and my thoughts and prayers go out to you


    Bookmark   March 16, 2009 at 11:37PM
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Hi All and thanks so much to all that posted a follow up to my grief post especially Michelle. I am doing a little better. I did not go back to the first support group and I am happy I didn't as when I didnt show not one person or the counselor called to ask why, so with that I did the right thing. I found another group and spoke to the counselor and she suggested a one on one first, I went and the lady is truly send by God. The meeting with her was at 10 AM and lasted over and hour, and her group was meeting same day at 4 PM, she invited me to the group and asked PLEASE COME, she also said I didn't have to talk. Bottom line the group was great and I did speak more than once, I will be going to this group until my grief is healed. Once again THANK YOU ALL for your input made me fell really good.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2009 at 9:41AM
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Michelle: Jesus, that took some major cojones to sit down and write on paper. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2009 at 9:56PM
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Hi, I don't know if I should post or not - I did try to kill myself with pills last summer when life felt like too much, I could not see nor feel hope. Thank heavens I called 911 when I realized what I did. I have life long depression and now I am in therapy (finally). I did not know that the act of trying to kill oneself is actually telling your loved one's you are in fact rejecting them. I NEVER thought of that at the time. My Mother was dying, I spent a life looking after one sick parent or another - I felt overwhelmingly sad and also felt once my Mom left there was no true purpose for being here.

As a sufferer learning to live with depression I can tell you it is difficult to explain. The blackness that surrounds you embeds itself inside your soul. You and your children have done nothing wrong. You love your wife and I am sure in her heart she still loves you. Depression is an illness that misfires in your head. I want to thank you for sharing your pain with us - my husband won't talk about what happened last summer to me - I can only assume how awful it must have been for him, how much I hurt him. At the time I could not feel nor see anyone else but myself. Damn depression. Terrible illness.

Please stay with your group and do write/post whenever you feel like it. Your life is important, your wife would want you to go on. People do care and I keep finding small moments in each day that mean so much - which I try to focus on. Just take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other. Cry when you feel like it (we are human and crying is okay). Just do it all on your time.

I am sorry for your loss. I truly am. I don't know if my side of the story helps or not.

May God bless you and help you and your family through this difficult journey.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2009 at 11:47AM
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Hi All
Haven't been on here in a while but decided to check back. I must say that all you people have really helped me with my grief. To Marriend, sorry dear bur she did kill herself. I feel I am on my way as I have met a wonderful lady whom has been a widow 8 years and she helps me out tremendously. Only problem is that my kids are not happy with me as the say its to soon. My answer is to soon for who/ who tells me when its time. But i understand them the thought of another women in their fathers arms is frightful to them. But I have to do whats right for me. My friends are all happy for me. But I am and will keep doing what I think is right for me. My wife lives in heart everyday and no one can replace her, i will always love and speak to her, but I have to move on.
Once again you guys are so great, thanks thanks thanks for all the kind words and prayers

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 12:38PM
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i am sorry to hear about what happened to you. do you have msn so we can chat. you can add me: syoks@hotmail.com
or give me your hotmail so i can add you. when you add me, please include a note that you are from gardenweb.

love Joseph.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2009 at 12:19AM
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