Not Much Grieving - Should I Be Concerned?

suziequeMarch 14, 2014

Hi -

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

My father passed away recently. He was in his 90's and was very happy with the life he'd lived. He expressed that often and said, quite happily, that he was ready to go whenever God decided to take him. He was not at all tortured about it or wishing it - just content.

I loved him immensely. I was fortunate to be able to spend lots of time with him, including at the end.

I'm not experiencing much grief. Nor do I really miss him all that much. Of course, I think of him and at any given time, when thinking that I will go visit, or buy him something, or whatever, it occurs suddenly that he's no longer here and that hits me in the heart for a moment.

But, it's not really been that big a deal. I am starting to feel guilty about that when my beloved friends reach out to me to help me through my grief.

What's wrong with me?

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I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Your dad had lived a long happy life and was ready to go. Be happy with that. By the way I don't think your dad would have wanted you to be sad. Enjoy your memories of him.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2014 at 1:28PM
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Thank you, Mary. My lack of grieving in no way represents my love for him. I appreciate your taking the time to respond.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2014 at 1:44PM
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I think that sometimes we get more resigned, or maybe more accepting or realistic, as we get older, & this is good.

but even so sometimes grief will smack you upside your head when you aren't expecting it.

I had about 6 weeks where I never cried, then one day I had a major meltdown, sobbed & hollered & everything, & that seemed to help.

Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2014 at 7:54PM
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I never felt very grieved when my parents died since I hardly ever got to see them. But being your Dad was happy and lived a long life you wouldn't feel sad for him. Don't be hard on yourself, one day it may all hit you when you don't expect it. Grief is a strange thing.
So sorry for your loss.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2014 at 6:46PM
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Hello Susieque, my Mother passed away on March 1st, she was 93 years old and had been sick for the past 10 months with heart problems. I must admit that when she passed away I was very upset, still am, she was not only my Mother but my friend. Every morning when I wake up I think of her. She lived a good life and I know it was her time to go.

Everyone grieves in a different way, I am sure you miss your Dad very much in your own way.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2014 at 9:01AM
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Thank you, all, so very much. I appreciate your thoughts.

And enjoyingspring, my sincere condolence on the loss of your dear mother.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2014 at 9:59AM
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Hi Suzie I am sorry for your loss of your dad.

I think your level of grief is normal, maybe you have just accepted that it was his time to go.

The life you have is probably very fulfilling and joyful which is a good thing.

One of the best things someone said to me, when my dad died in 1995 was "he lives on in you" and that was so comforting, and such a lovely thing for me to think about.

Death isn't always mournful and sad, sometimes, we can celebrate a life well lived - or that is the way I prefer to see things.

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2014 at 8:57PM
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Thank you, Popi. I think you've captured it perfectly. And what a lovely thought - that he lives on in me.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2014 at 10:04AM
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When my mom passed away it took me a long time to adjust because of her attitude, what my family went thru, the way she treated my husband's relatives etc, I really did not miss her. I had to keep telling myself, she did the best she could. My Dad did some things that were hard for me to accept, but looking back and known dementia now I have to forgive him and remember the fun times. Then when my husband passed away last Aug., I did grieve, but usually at night, and by myself. He was so sick with the cancer, treatments, heart problems, breathing etc. he could barely climb the stairs to the bedroom and I took his meals to him more than once. He just hated the treatments he had to take, it was a brand new drug, and very very hard on him, so I did all the driving etc. His lungs were very congested and in ER, received quite a bit of medication. It was just his time, and he went quite fast and very quiet and peaceful. I miss talking to him, but again we had our ups and downs and he was getting very difficult to live with and his driving was not good, that is why I took over. The last two years were not good. I am a survivor and with the support of my kids and others I will make it---I Hope. Don't worry about the grieving, it will come in bits and pieces., and there are support groups/people to help you out. My great grand kids help me. They are so great and were just amazing at the funeral. My 4 (now 5) year old kept telling everyone that great grandpa has wings and would look up to the ceiling, and wave and tell everyone to wave at him . And they did!!

    Bookmark   April 15, 2014 at 9:52PM
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Sometimes the messages posted here just take my breath away-
the courage & generosity of your sharing is wonderful.

Marie, my mother was an abusive narcissist.
She terrorized us (me being her special target) throughout our childhoods, & even now, I occasionally have nightmares about her.

One thing that helps me is similar to your
"She did the best she could".

When I feel myself getting angry or distraught or bent out of shape, I remind myself that it's all in the past.

I am the only one who can drag it into the present & chew it like an old bone & shake it like an old rag & keep it powerful.

so I say to myself:

"It's in the past. Leave it there."

Blessings to all of you.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2014 at 3:34PM
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I am reading this book from the library and it goes through different ways of grieving for everyone, please if your library has it, take it out and read it.

The Five Ways We Grieve by Susan A.Berger

Finding your personal path to healing after the loss of a loved one.

Do not let anyone either tell you how to grief, do it in your own way and it can take years or lifetime depending on each person.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2014 at 10:07PM
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