where did they go?

kaycurlMarch 20, 2007

This is my first posting here. I lost my brother recently. I'm wondering where everybody is - they sure aren't spending time with me! Actually, I'm not really surprised by this loneliness as this isn't my first experience of grieving. It was just silly of me to hope that it would be easier this time around.

I am an immigrant but I have lived in this community for over thirty years. My Canadian family never met my birth family. That means that friends and neighbours haven't met them either and they are all basically untouched by deaths so far away.

In the 12 days since my brother died no-one has popped in to spend time with me. I have received one phone call and one email offereing sympathy.

When my parents died the same thing happened and I finally went to a grief support group. That was really helpful and now I know more about grief.

Six years ago I started to go to church. The pastors and congregation said many things that made me think this was a great idea. There are quite a lot of people there who act friendly towards me but I guess that is all it is, an act.

When I heard about my brother I emailed the pastor because I learned at the support group that you have to talk about your loss. Haven't heard anything back. Ten days ago I went to one of the group activities at the church and told them about the death in my family and several people came up to me and said they were sorry. The only talking I get to do is telling people that he has died and having them say 'I'm sorry'. I need more than that. There will be another grief support session starting in the fall. Its going to be hard waiting till then.

I'm feeling like a deserted kid.


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Kay, I'm sorry to hear you lost your brother. You feel that no one cares or really understands the depth of your loss. I remember feeling exactly this way when my father died. Did you get any cards in addition to the email and phone call?? I think people do care, they are just busy and don't realize how hard this has hit you.

Yes, fall is too long to wait for a grief group. Try calling your local hospital to ask about such groups, and if they don't know, ask them who would know.

Even though you are kind of "mad at the world" right now, is there someone special you could call for coffee or go to lunch, a movie? I think it would help you to reach out, even though you wish people would reach out to you.

Would you like to tell us something about your brother here? You could share a bit of his life.

Below is a website about loneliness. At the bottom are many suggestions for things you can do to fight loneliness. I think it is helpful.

Take care.

Here is a link that might be useful: Dealing with Loneliness

    Bookmark   March 21, 2007 at 6:45PM
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Kay, because of your post, today I called two friends who both recently lost their parents. They were so pleased I called, so thank you for the reminder to be in touch with our friends who might need a kind word.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2007 at 11:14PM
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thanks for the responses. It was neat to hear that my words had jogged you into contacting two other people. Good job socks!

I don't think the problem here is that 'I am mad at the world'. It is more like feeling disconnected from the world - shunned maybe. My intelligent self is telling me that I have no reason to expect anyone to reach out to me, while my emotional self is screaming for human contact. I yearn for a warm body to share my thoughts and memories with and there is no-one there.

The other thing I'm struggling with is the lack of response from the pastor - see I can't even say MY pastor anymore. I guess I really misunderstood what the 'norm' was at the church. I guess I assumed that, once informed, the pastor or a substitute would contact me. Was I actually supposed to follow up my email with a phone call, or maybe an official application for pastoral services or something?

I don't get it - and there really is nothing available in the way of grief support in this area until the fall. I just may choose to drive to the next community down the highway, but nearly two hours each way is a lot of driving.


    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 7:27PM
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Two hours each way is a lot of driving. Maybe you'll just have to be a grief support group of one. Do you have family members you can call, other siblings, cousins, etc. to share your feelings? It really is important to talk, as you already know from your previous loss.

Take care...

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 9:34PM
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Start here. Please tell us about your brother.
I recently lost my Mom and one of the things that loss has done to me, is made me think about losing other people in my life. Now I can't seem to stop thinking about what it will be like to lose my brother. He's 12 years older than I am and at 65 he's no longer a young puppy. I would be devastated if he wasn't there - and I know that my friends and co-workers wouldn't really see what a huge loss it would be for me. But the people who come to this forum understand. And it really helps to share with them.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2007 at 12:34AM
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