A difficult milestone

alisandeMarch 29, 2006

I'm hoping this post will push down that rude and stupid message about Chinese matchmaking.

My daughter Jill's best friend is pregnant. I'm thrilled for her, and bought a special gift that incorporates her love of horses, something she and Jill shared. So I'm looking forward to giving it to her, but I'm wondering how I'm going to get through the baby shower. It'll be impossible not to think of Jill, and how she should be there, and how she should be having her own babies.

It won't help that most of the people attending will be strangers to me. I do not want to draw attention to myself there, or cast a sad vibe over the festivities. Since I'm crying as I write this, I'm thinking maybe it would be smart to meet with the mother-to-be privately instead of attending the shower. What do you think?


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Susan, I really understand your concern. You don't want to fall apart at the shower. You could explain to her your worry about being overly-emotional at the shower and ask if she would understand if you were not there. Tell her how much you love her and how happy you are for her, but your feelings about the loss of your daughter are just too close to the surface at this time. Maybe you could take her to a nice lunch instead. That would be fun for you both, and you'll be better at keeping the emotions under control. (And if you cry, she'll understand.) And you could give her your special present at that time.

If you want to participate in the shower in some way, you could take a bouquet of mixed spring flowers to the shower location the morning of the event. Just to show you care and wish her a happy day.

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much from the loss of your daughter. I love that name, Jill, and I love horses too. Take care.

...and thanks for the post to get that awful Chinese matchmaking thing bumped down!! Yuck.

Susan too.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2006 at 7:14PM
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Thank you, Susan. I think I'll do just that.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2006 at 10:57AM
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I was thinking about this even more, and since you won't know many people at the shower, some will be asking your connection to the mom-to-be, and it's just going to be so hard for you. You need to be good to yourself and not do things which will upset you. Maybe another day you'll be up to things like this, but now now.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2006 at 7:06PM
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That's a very good point. I never thought of that. I've been feeling relieved ever since I made the decision not to go.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2006 at 2:12PM
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Susan, I have had to deal with that one. Christin's best friend delivered a beautiful baby boy 6 months ago. My husband and I decided early on with this grief that if something causes us pain or that we were not comfortable with it, we would not do it. We explain if we have to and if people don't understand, we don't worry about it.
I was able to go to her baby shower in which many of Christin's friends attended. I also was also able to visit her in the hospital after the birth. When those events occured, it may have just happened to have been a good time for me. I don't know. There are many events in which my husband and I just haven't taken part in.
I think the main thing to preserve your feelings and the friends' feelings is to just be honest and tell them how painful it is, and let them know that when the time comes, if you feel that you can do it, you will. That way, all pressure and guilt is removed from you and feelings are not hurt, hopefully.
Another good friend of Christin's just got married and is having a party tonight. I will not be there because it is too close to Christin's heaven day which is this Wednesday. It would be a very hard evening for me. They understand completely.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2006 at 9:00AM
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susan, I agree with everyone here. There have been many occasions I have passed on these past 9 months for the simple fact that I dont want to ruin other peoples good time by my crying. I just explain to them why I am not attending and they all understand. I am positive your daughters friend will understand.
always, tracy

    Bookmark   April 5, 2006 at 4:05AM
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