20 years old, my mom just passed away

payton13March 21, 2009

She was sick for a long time.. she had lung cancer but had beaten that through months of chemotherapy.. but she was 58 and had COPD and emphysema and was just falling apart in general. Couldn't walk very far, couldn't walk at all in the very end. She was in the hospital two months before she died on March 3. I didn't believe she was dying until they told my brother and me she was dead.

I come from a really crazy family full of alcoholics and drug addicts, and my mother was the only person in my family who was sane at all. She was so kind and intelligent and amazing and I took her for granted and secretly resented the time I had to spend at the hospital. The morning she died my brother texted me to come to the hospital and I got angry and wished to myself that she would finally die if she was going to die. She died like an hour later.

It's so hard to sleep. I try to remember the last couple of conversations I had with her and only remember a sentence here or there.. Im desperately trying to hold on to the sound of her voice and the way she looked. I have a bad relationship with my father and little in the way of immediate family, and I just lost my favorite person in the world..

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aktillery9

Payton,

I am so so sorry for your loss. My mom too had COPD and emphysema. She was in hospice at her assisted living facility when she passed. I was there and man was it so hard to see She was a smoker and I had begged her to quit after my dad died bc I could not stand the thought of losing another parent. She went a little manic and just sort of crazy after his death. She shut me out and then lied to me about smoking and she made me so angry. She got to a point where she had to move close to me ... from Texas to Georgia. She was so weak and would not try to get better. She was always poor me sort of thing. I got so frustrated and then we she died I felt relief in some way.

She was the best mom when I was growing up and I always adored her. It was later that she changed and I became the parent. I hated being the parent. I am an only child and it was so difficult.

What I wanted to get to is that I have so much guilt for not enjoying the time we had and for being angry with her. It kills me. It has been a year now and I miss her beyond words. I miss my dad too. I am divorced and have no kids or siblings. Life can be hard. I just wanted to share my story and let you know I hear what you are saying. I hope each day you can grieve and with that it will get a little less painful

A huge hug to you!
Amy

    Bookmark   March 21, 2009 at 8:15AM
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lisa_2009

Payton,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can relate to what you are going through. I just lost my mom on January 1st of this year. She was a young 50 years old, and suffered a horrible painful death due to Scleroderma and Pulmonary Hypertension. Basically, she couldn't breathe anymore, and her lungs and heart failed her. I just turned 23 years old a few weeks ago.

Life sure does seem unfair doesn't it? We are so young to have to endure this kind of pain and emptiness. The only thing that gets me through it is having faith in God and the love of family and friends around me. No matter how alone you feel, you are NEVER completely alone. There is always someone else out there going through a similar situation as you too. Unfortunately death is a part of life that we all must learn to deal with.

My mom was my best friend, and sadly I realized just how much she means to me after she was already gone. I wish I could have told her that she was the best mom in the entire world and that I am a good person because of her. I would consider myself to have been a good daughter, but there is so much more I wish I would have done. I took for granted that she would always be there for me, and that she would never dieat least not for another 20 or 30 years. God had other plans though. You and I both need to realize that no matter how much we did, we never would have felt like it was enough. I guess it's hard to repay the person who gave you life and loved you unconditionally like no one else could.

This journey of grief you face has only just begun, as has mine. However, I choose to believe people when they say it will get easier. Not a day goes by that I won't think about my mom or miss her deeply, as I'm sure this is the same for you, but with time maybe we can learn to cope with their passing.

I think losing one's mother is possibly the hardest thing to go through, so if we make it through this then there is nothing we can't handle. When I feel really sad sometimes, I try to remember how my mom would want me to be. She wouldn't want me to stop living my life and be depressed during the days I have left. She would want me to make her proud and be a good person, and that's what I'm going to try to do.

Treasure the memories you have with your mom, and never forget how much she loved you. She knows you loved her too, and wouldn't want you to feel any guilt. One thing we can be thankful for is that our moms' arenÂt suffering any longer, and they now have the most beautiful heavenly bodies. My mom couldn't handle anymore physical pain, and I'm grateful she doesn't have to be trapped inside that failing body anymore. I selfishly want her here with me of course, but she was too good of a person to endure so much pain.

Remember, someday soon we will join our moms' again, and be reunited with big hugs from them! Try to make her proud everyday, and remember it's okay to cry too. We will always miss them, but death isn't the end. It's just a temporary separation until we join them again on the other side.

Take care and remember you are not alone. You will get through this and always keep your mom's memory in your heart. She may be gone, but her love for you will never die.

I wish you well,
Lisa

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 10:15AM
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sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry.

I once read a book called something like "Hug Your Mama Tonight, I Wish I Could Hug Mine" by Lewis Grizzard.

He was very close to his mother, & he writes about a lot of the same things you all are experiencing.

If you can find the book, read it;
it'll bring tears to your eyes, but it'll bring home to you, profoundly, that you aren't alone;
you aren't the only ones to have regrets & guilt & to wish that your last words to your mothers had been somehow very deep & significant.

Life just isn't like that, especially between mothers & their children;
it's more about day-to-dayness, the little things like "did you remember to iron your white skirt? & you roll your eyes & groan & go "Muuuhhh-therrr!" & then you iron your white skirt or whine that you can't get it to look right & she irons it for you...

Your mothers *knew* that you loved them.

They knew it every day of their lives.

I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 3:05PM
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sylviatexas1

"Don't Forget to Call Your Mother; I Wish I Could Call Mine"

forgot to mention, about recalling her voice & her words, etc;

*Write it down*.

Every time you remember a little vignette, like ironing your white skirt, write it down.

It helps your grief, it helps fix those memories in place, & it gives you something to read again & again.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 3:09PM
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italysprings

Payton,
My dear I am so sorry for your loss, and to have to experience it at such a young age. The dynamics of the relationship between a mother and child are so complex as we as children say things we really do not mean or wish things we really do not want to happen. The important thing is know this, as your mom is in heaven she is not spending one ounce of time recalling what you did say or did not say, all she is doing is praying for you to have a happy, successful life, free of pain and suffering and for all your wishes to come true. We, the ones left behind spend so much time re-thinking things we can not change, as your mother is in the Lord's presence I am sure she is looking down on you and hoping you know she loves you, will always love you and her love for you will never cease, just as our heavenly father loves us, she is no longer suffering and happy beyond any human measure. Please do not berate yourself with guilt, when the thought comes into your head do not dwell on it instead think and remember all the good times you had with your mother, let those memories be the ones that feel your mind. The enemy who is the destroyer will always try and make you remember negative thoughts because he does not want you to be happy.
Guilt is unproductive, we all make mistakes and think and say things we truly do not mean, and we may experience a sense of relief too but remember our mother's are in a better place, free from pain and suffering and in the presence of the most pure love ever. Live your life and make your mom proud , God bless.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 7:55PM
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S_J_degiulio_msmn_com

I am so very sorry for your loss!! I am sitting here writing this listening to my mothers oxygen machine while she sleeps. My mom is dying of COPD. I have cared for her for 4 years in my home. My husband has asked me for a divorce because he feels we have grown apart since I have been caring for my mother. Loosing my Mother and my husband is More than I think even a rock like myself can take. My mom has been in and out of the hospital, the last two years have been a gift for the doctors did not think she would live after a blocked bowel and coming home with a feeding tube. My mom did make it. I awoke every 2 hours to feed her. trust me no matter how much you do for your mother and how much you care for them, there is still guilt. I know I could do more. Was choosing hospice the right thing? I awaken in the night in tears, sweating and heart pounding with the urge to take her back to the hospital. My mom is so thin she breaks out in sores. My mom reassures me that we made the right choice with hospice. My mom is not in pain. I am a home health care provider and have worked in hospice myself. No amount of experience can prepare someone for the loss of a Mother. I hope I have one more day with her. That is all I ever ask for.
Take care and know you are not alone!! HUGS

    Bookmark   March 28, 2011 at 4:02AM
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