It's So Difficult....
I didn't know this board was here. Now that I found it I don't know if I will be able to read posts or not.
I went to visit my mother last Tuesday. She has cancer. It started out 2 years ago with a small lump on her breast. They did a lumpectamy (sp?) and said they got it all. A short time later, it came back.
She has gone thru radiation treatments, then chemo for a short time. The chemo almost killed her, after 2 treatments she was so weak and sick that they quit the treatments because the cancer was not hurting her as much as the chemo was. A few more chemo treatments would have killed her. That was a year ago.
A couple months ago she finally decided to go to Old Mexico and take the cancer treatment they give. It was working. She was getting better.
Thursday she had an appointment with her regular physician here in the states. He tried to drain liquid off her lungs. The procedure has been done many times during the past few months. This time he screwed up and pulled out more than he should have. He was standing there oh so calm said "oops". Mom has been going to that doctor every week for a long time. After he finished draining her lung, she ask about her next appt. and he said he would arrange for a hospice worker to start visiting her and she didn't need to come to see him anymore. About 3 hours later she couldn't breath so I rushed her to the emergency room and discovered that her lung collapsed!
The hospital doctor told us that the doctor who drained her lungs punctured it & made it collapse. He said she has anywhere from a few hours up to 6 months to live. He also said the longer it drags on, the harder it will be for her to breathe until she eventually suffocates and that the longer she lives the more pain shell have. Up until now, she hasnÂt had any pain. The doctor didnÂt mince words, he said it just like that.
Â½ the family believes she is going to die any minute, the other Â½ believes sheÂll make it through this and survive. I feel like a pin ball bouncing around. I donÂt know what to believe. I just canÂt believe this is really happening!
The cancer treatment is working. The cancer was going away. I believe she would have been healthy in a few weeks or months.
Now IÂm a wreak. Every thought I have brings a new emotion with it. In the last 3 days IÂve gone from thinking she was healing fine, to believing death is a few hours away. IÂve been bouncing around not knowing what to think. One minute I believe sheÂll come through this and get well, the next minute IÂm in shock not sure what is going on, then terrified that she will die any minute, then excepting that we will lose her, then back to not believing anything. IÂm going in circles not able to think straight.
All this has happened in the past 3 days. Last night I couldnÂt sleep and about 3 AM I suddenly got a vision of her laying in a coffin. At the time of the vision I had a strange peace come over me and I excepted that itÂs not fair of me to want to deprive her of her heavenly reward that I know is waiting for her.
This afternoon I found a message on my voice mail from her that she had left the night before her lung collapsed. At the end of the message she didnÂt disconnect the phone and I could here her talking from far away. Emotionally I fell apart and couldnÂt listen to the rest of it. I donÂt know how long that message will go on, but a thought ran through my mind that it could be the last time I hear my mothers voice.
IÂm 52 years old and IÂve never dealt with the loss of a close family member. I donÂt know how IÂm going to get through this. IÂm putting on a brave face for mom and dad. I broke down in front of my little brother and sister, then I broke down in front of my daughter. I was ok with that. But I was talking to my uncle (momÂs brother) at the hospital and started crying. I just walked away. I couldnÂt face it at that time and place. I donÂt know what they all think of me right now, there were about 8 or 10 family members in the group. I didnÂt say anything, I just got tears in my eyes and turned and walked out of the hospital. I havenÂt been back. I came home today. I have been staying with mom and dad helping them, but today I got in my car and drove the 200 miles to my own home.
I can talk. I canÂt answer questions. I want to answer questions. I want people to ask questions, but for some reason I just went a little nuts trying to explain everything to my uncle. I was trying to tell him about the doctor visit when the doctor punctured her lung, and how the cancer isnÂt whatÂs hurting her now. I got part way through the telling and thatÂs when I turned and walked out. Not a word to anyone. I feel so bad about that, but I canÂt do anything about it here and now. I want to see my uncle and tell him IÂm sorry for walking out. I hope they will understand. The whole family group was my uncles, their wives, and some cousins, at least one family friend. IÂm not sure who all was there. My little sister was standing beside me and walked out with me. I donÂt know if she said anything to them or not.
I think I will take a day or two and try to gather myself together and then I will drive back up there. I donÂt know how I will get through it all.
IÂm so glad that there is a place where I can put these feelings into words. No sympathy please. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to be able to talk without someone trying to hold me and comfort me. I need to talk and it's so difficult to do that. When someone tries to comfort me I want to lash out at them. Why would I want to hurt someone for trying to comfort me? I hope I'll be able to erase this post later. Tomorrow I'll probably read it and totally regret saying any of this, but right now I feel like I have to say it or I will explode holding it in. I donÂt want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to be able to talk without someone trying to hold me and comfort me. I want to talk and it's so difficult to do that. ThereÂs no one to talk to now. Like a idiot I went and drove 200 miles away from everyone. IÂm the one that moved away. The rest of them all live up there.
When I got home I called my older sister and talked to her for a few minutes and promised her that IÂll call her at the hospital tomorrow. I forgot that tomorrow is Easter. I should be there with mom on Easter. This might be the last holiday we could be together.