When to say enough is enough!!!! HELP????

ray52December 2, 2009

We became new grandparents in Aug.(what a true blessing)his name is Tristan.Our daughter is 25 living with a very controling man who is 28. he is not the father but talked my daughter into putting his name on the birth certificate. He has been in trouble most of his life and has had a terrible home. We thought with a little love and a stable family we could change things. He has not worked in 6 months, drives my daughters car, lives in a apartment that she pays for and is becoming abusive towards us and her mostly after he has had a drink or two or four or six. My wife and I could never have children so we adopted Amanda at age 32&30(open adoption-- she sees her birth Mom every year for a week). She has had a great life-- until he met her four years ago. We are at our wits end with the non stop asking for money, car payments and so on. They have been abusive to each other in the past and we hate to see this little guy grow up living in their hell--How do we stop it without the chance of him taking the baby out of state and out of our lives to live with his mother. He has hit both my wife and myself and spent time in jail for his actions but never a sorry from him. We live a simple quiet life, I'm at my breaking point with this man---I'm not sure of what I might do if he ever touches us again. Please help!!!

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What a mess. I guess I would say do not lend money to them. If they need food, buy some and give it to them. You do want to be sure the baby is well fed.

The only way she will learn is to face the negatives of this relationship without being bailed out until she is willing to divorce him. No more money. No more car payments.

Do talk to someone who knows about how she can remove his name from the birth certificate. That should be corrected.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2009 at 7:09PM
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Betcha a dollar this isn't the first time he's done this;
the whole story smacks of a habitual abuser.

& I'd bet that this guy "talked her into" putting his name on the birth certificate just so he would have something to hold over her head & over your heads.

When everything hits the fan, & it will, your daughter must insist on a paternity test, or she, & you, & the baby, will be hostages for life.

You need to talk to a counseller at a domestic violence shelter or hotline or something so you'll know what to expect from your daughter when you stop giving them money & such.

(She'll scream & make accusations & tell you you're mean & this guy rescued her from you, & worse-because he will have convinced her that this is the truth).

It's not her *personally*, it's just a part of the dynamics of domestic violence.

I'm holding you & your daughter & your sweet grandbaby in my thoughts & in my heart.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2009 at 8:58PM
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Talk to social services. Document everything. Make it very clear there will be NO MORE money given until he leaves. Threats -turn them in and be prepared to testify. I am sorry, but if he hit me once, he would be jail forever. Elder abuse? If you allow this to continue it will only end up with either the baby being killed or one of you. You truly need some legal advice. Change the locks, do not let DD in without someone there.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2009 at 3:12PM
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Marie knows what she's talking about;
don't let your daughter in unless there are witnesses.

I once "helped" an old roommate whose husband was an abuser.

called the Family Place or somewhere before I did it, evidently didn't listen to what they said!

They *told* me she'd be morose & she'd regret having left him, they *told* me she'd return to him, they *told* me she'd tell him where she was.


I had just moved to a place in a different county from where she & her husband lived, & had had my mail delivered to an accomodation address (like Mailboxes Etc; if you rent a post office box, your home address is of public record-& her husband was a detective!), traded cars, changed jobs.

I *stressed* to her that she was not to tell her husband where I lived.

came home late one night, & there he was, smirk on his face, helping her move.

I told her he was not to set foot inside my home again, that she could dam well hand her belongings to him outside.

& she sneered at me that "he told me you'd act this way, that you'd try to break us up because you're jealous".

Since we were "friends", that was that.

Although this is your daughter, you need to be prepared & to realize that you may have to protect yourself from her & that you may not be able to "save" her & you must concentrate on saving yourselves & that baby.

& if the guy touches you, call the cops;
that's assault.

I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2009 at 3:38PM
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You may want to contact a family lawyer and find out what you can do legally. He/she should be able to guide you to make the right decisions.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 1:24PM
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Right after my granddaughter was born, I retired. My daughter said to me while she was pregnant that she didnÂt know what she was going to do for daycare and since I had planned on retiring, I offered to watch my granddaughter when my daughter went back to work. She is 16 months old now and I have watched her since she was 6 weeks old, Monday through Friday, 7:00 a.m. - 4:45 p.m. My daughter lives approximately 50 minutes from me. I get up every morning at 5:30 a.m. to drive to meet my daughter halfway so she doesnÂt have to get up even earlier for work. I drive approximately 80 miles a day. Gas is very expensive and I have been spending hundreds of dollars on gas which I cannot afford, not to mention I have already logged almost 10,000 miles on my van that I purchased used in February this year. I realize that I offered to watch my granddaughter but at the time, the cost of gas did not enter my mind. Today after once again listening to her talk about planning yet another vacation this year (theyÂve already gone on 2 this year), I tried asking her if she could at least fill my car with gas twice a month - she went ballistic and called me greedy! She said she was going to put my granddaughter in daycare and I wouldn't see her again. She brought up that she gave me some money when she got her income tax refund and that it was not her problem that I got myself in a financial bind and that I moved so far away. I responded that the money she did give me out of her income tax was almost what I spent on gas in one month. The financial responsibility for my granddaughter I feel is her parents, not mine. I am not asking to be paid to watch my granddaughter, I am only asking for assistance with the amount of money that I am paying for gas to watch her. If her parents were struggling financially, I would have never even brought it up  I would have suffered in silence. They have a brand new car and purchased a motorcycle when my granddaughter was about 1 year old  they spend money like there's no tomorrow! She says, she works hard for her money and she deserves to be able to buy things and go on vacations. I agree, but not at my expense. I also worked hard for over 30 years and deserve to have a nice retirement! I am not asking for full reimbursement on what IÂm spending on gas, only suggested if maybe twice a month they could fill my gas tank. I love my granddaughter very much and really enjoy her, but I simply feel used. Not only do I watch her while they work, I also watch her when they have other plans. This August, she informed me that they are going on vacation for one week so I will be watching my granddaughter. At this point, I am both hurt and disgusted at her response and donÂt even know if our relationship can be salvaged. Was I wrong to ask for help with the cost of gas? Thanks for any feedback.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2010 at 11:49PM
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