Grieving for my children

justsoimpatientMarch 26, 2006

Hello everyone,

I appologize if I start to babble, it seems though that it helps sometimes. I've found it harder and harder to move on. I gave birth to my stillborn twin sons on feb. 7th of this year. It seems as though everyone else has forgotten what exactly happened. I'm just now beginning to grieve because in the beginning I was numb. For weeks I walked around numb, not feeling anything in particular. Now that I'm actually feeling my pain, it seems as though everyone is like "you should be over this by now". So I act as though nothing is bothering me and that I am. In reality I feel as though my whole world has collapsed. I just can't understand everything. It's as though somehow the world kept moving but I stood still for the longest time. Now I'm lost. In my mind I keep telling myself that it's spring and I should start new, but everytime that I try something reminds me of my pain, my loss. I've tried books. Reading about how to grieve and to do it easily. None seem to work. Seems as though they all say the same thing "remember the times you had with them." That's difficult when there aren't 'times' to remember with them. Well, i'm sorry for this being such a long post and for ranting like I have been.


ashly dawn

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Please don't apologize for your post. This forum is all about sharing, and you did it very well. I'm sorry about the loss of your twins. You are trying so hard to get through this, and you feel like you aren't progressing. You know, Feb. 7 really wasn't that long ago, so be kind to yourself and give yourself more time. Also, I get the feeling that you need someone to talk to, a good friend or family member. Have you looked into grief counseling in your area? Don't worry about what anyone will say--that's their problem.

Take care.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2006 at 9:19AM
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Ashly Dawn, I am sorry for your loss and agree with Socks that it is very recent. I wouldn't be surprised if you needed to mourn this for a long time. It is good to let yourself feel happy and ok whenever you can feel that way, and it is also good to feel as sad as you feel whenever it comes over you.
I have a brother and sister in law who lost a child and it helped them a lot to participate in a grief group for parents.
I lost a baby at the 5th month of pregnancy many years ago and it was SO painful. I got the feeling that some people didn't feel like that loss was significant because I hadn't had the baby or hadn't come to know and love him. Well, that is wrong thinking. Losing a child is losing a child and you lost two. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you find some supportive people who know that it is important to give this much more time. -Linda

    Bookmark   March 26, 2006 at 6:15PM
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Dora Vann Snider

I wish you could talk to my granddaughter. She had a stillborn son last June 14th. It has been overwhelming for her. She could not even function and we all worried about her so much. She could not make any decisons and just sat and cried. She felt guilty if she had a "good" day. She was so hurt by the fact that she did not get to hold him and tell him that she loved him. We all assured her that he knew how much she loved him. She talked and read to him while she was carrying him. We all grieved with her, but knew in our hearts that we could not even begin to feel her extreme pain. Only a mother can do that.

She finally gave in to the doctor's advice and has started taking a mild antidepressant. She would not hear of it for ever so long. She has started going to a grief group at the church in our town. We think it has helped her quite a bit. Her husband has had a very hard time, but will not go to the meetings with her.

So many people will tell you that you can have more babies, or it was God's will, or as one man told her, at least you didn't get attached to him. She nearly lost her mind over that statement, but the poor man was trying to console her.

She has decided that grief is a very long process and there are so many different stages to it. One person might go through it quickly but another might not get through it for years. There will never be another baby to replace the ones you lost. They will always be in your heart. The sadness may get easier with time. It is so hurtful to see other people's little healthy babies and not feel a twinge.

We still have a hard time going to department stores and seeing baby clothes and think what if. We were all so excited about this baby. It would be our first great-grandchild, my daughter's first grandbaby and my mom's first great-great-grandchild. We all felt so cheated.

When I read your post my heart breaks for you. It is the hardest thing I think a mother would ever have to go through. I pray that time will help heal some of the wounds for you.

Dora Lou Snider

    Bookmark   March 27, 2006 at 1:11AM
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I am so sorry for your loss's (((((((((hugs))))))))))

    Bookmark   March 27, 2006 at 9:21AM
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Ashly Dawn,
I am so sorry for your loss. It was so recent, please give yourself more time. I lost a baby at 6 months 10 years ago. I remember feeling many of the same feelings you are feeling. I remember being so sad, then so numb, then so angry that everyone was going on with their lives and seemed to forget about my son. I just wanted to shout it from the roof tops or take out a front page ad that I have a beautiful baby boy in heaven. I also remember feeling like I was doing okay, then having unprovoked melt downs at my job. I ended up taking a mild antidepressant for about 6 months and it really helped me to feel more in control. We don't know why these things have to happen. But the thing is, we're not supposed to know why. We just have to accept it and realize that all lives, even the little one's like our babies, their lives are significant and purposeful. There is a reason why you gave carried, loved, and gave birth to these beautiful babies. And their lives had meaning. They certainly changed you life forever and the way you think about things. I know that God can use us all for his glory, even our tiny babies.
Did you have any pictures taken of your babies? What helped me alot was to put together a baby book - not the kind that we often see that has babies first steps, ect. I just found a photo album that said "baby" on the front. Inside I memorialized my sons life. I collected everthing from the hospital - birth certificate, ect. newspaper announcement of his birth/death, anything special that I had, then I collected poems about babies, sons, death, ect. All things that moved me and were relevant to his life. Then at last I put photos of him. I also had bible verses that I had typed and printed out. I have the receiving blanket from the hospital too nearby. It is very private, I have showed it to no one except my mother and my spouse. But it is there, I know it is there, and when I think of him I can pull it out to remember. I plan to share it with my children when they are older. Did you get foot prints and / or hand prints? They can go in there or you can get them framed and hung in a picture. Just remember that most people will not say what you need to hear. But that is not because they do not care. They are just ignorant and do not know what to say. Talk to those who know you best and can listen to you as you grieve. And talk to those who have been through it too. Check out support groups in your area for moms like you. Again I'm so sorry for your losses. Give your heart time to heal.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2006 at 11:30AM
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Ashly Dawn, I am sorry for your loss. I too should have been the mother of 2 has been almost 2 years yet still it feel like only yesterday. I found lots of support & help from my local Mothers of Twins Club. It seems to me that the death of twins happens and you are left with a very special greif that only someone who has gone through it understands. My local Twins Club has many many families who belong to the Twins Club even though their twin children passed away and they are very helpful. Hope this helps, Susan

    Bookmark   March 30, 2006 at 10:44PM
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Ashley Dawn -
When an old person dies, it's easier to handle, because they have a past, they gave a future to others. And the people they leave behind have memories.

When infants die, or when babies are stillborn, you never knew them. You had plans, dreams and they had a future and then its gone.

Mothers of Twins, as suggested, and a local support group for parents who lost young children might help you come to terms with what happened. There is no set timetable, it takes as long as it takes.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2006 at 6:01PM
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I'm so very sorry for the loss of your children. Please associate yourself with others who know your pain. To me, this has been the greatest help of all. They will validate your feelings and you won't feel so alone.
I believe that you will see your babies again one day. That single thought keeps me going.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   April 1, 2006 at 9:07AM
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Ashly Dawn..I am so sorry for your loss! We lost our 5 day old son,Matthew,in in a way, I know and understand what you're going through. If you will email me( ) I can give you a link to a website that deals strictly with Infant Loss. Everyone there is going through the same thing you are. I just joined yesterday..hoping I can offer help & hope to those Mommies!!

    Bookmark   April 19, 2006 at 9:37AM
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Oh Ashly (and others) - I am so sorry for your losses.
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my day old son Matthew 13 years ago (Nov 1). I have no real advice for you except to suggest that you act and do whatever you feel is necessary and proper. Well intentioned advice to 'get over it and move on' is just that - advice. It may not be right for you.

I can only tell you what worked for me. I talked alot to anyone that asked about my baby - I still do. Some folks will get it, others are horrified. You will be surprised by both the positive and negative reactions. If it's a problem - it's their problem, not yours.

Ignore the idiotic comments from the uninformed or unfeeling. There will be piles of them. Hang on every word of perfect strangers who either empathize or sympathize. It isn't easy but you can do it.

Joanie mentioned the keepsakes you may have from the hospital - a picture, a lock of hair perhaps or the receiving blanket. If it comforts you to hold them, I urge you to do. Try everything - find what comforts you.
As other posters have mentioned, find a support group close to you. It may help you, it may not but please try it.

I know there isn't a day that goes by that you don't think of your sons. Nights are worse I'm sure. The pain does eventually subside but not for awhile. If you feel like crying - CRY! It's okay. Every once in a while I still do and I'm a 50 year old tough guy. My other kids and wife talk often and openly about our missing little guy. It helps us greatly.

Feel free to contact me privately if you feel the need. I'd be happy to correspond.

Best wishes and prayers - Doc

    Bookmark   April 19, 2006 at 4:30PM
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