How do we handle this? (update on MIL)

nadastimerDecember 18, 2002

I made another post here recently about my MIL not talking to us and how I was feeling about our ds (3 1/2). I also found out I was pregnant soon after she stopped talking to us.

So MIL e-mailed DF last night and simply stated that she's sending a Christmas card with a check in it here for our son. She won't talk to us still, won't buy the kid a gift or call him or anything like that. She didn't ask at all about the baby or anything...just said about the card and that's that. Didn't even sign her name to the e-mail. My SIL said she doesn't ask or talk about us at all, not ever our son. Now how do you explain to a 3 year old that Grandma still doesn't want to talk to us but here's your Christmas card and money to go buy gifts? I was once in a situation where my dad's parents and my parents didn't talk for 3 years. It was horrible! So much resentment and many problems years later. Yet, my grandparents were nice people. They did ask others about us and worried about us and sent cards. They aren't the type that would have bad mouthed us or did anything to harm us. I guess I'm just worrying again? What's the best thing to do though? I know my fiance's older brother who doesn't speak with his mother(been about 3 years and it was years prior to that) usually throws the cards out before he opens them or mails them back. Should we take the money and give it to DS or forget about it?

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I have news for you...a three year old is not of an age where seeing Grandma is a big thing. He probably would just as soon go to McDonalds. If he should ask, just tell him that it Grandma has things on her mind and doesn't want to be bothered by anyone.

I think you are making much too much of this entire situation. So, she won't speak to you. Does this stop the world from spinning? Forget it and go on with your life and ignore her and her problems. You can't force her to enjoy your company. You can't force her to care for her grandchildren. But above all, you cannot change the situation. SHE DOES NOT WISH TO DO THINGS THE WAY THAT YOU THINK SHE SHOULD. I'll bet that you don't do things to suit her either. This is her right. This is the way she is. Quit beating your head up against a brick wall. Take a clue from your husband and leave the old bat alone.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2002 at 2:45PM
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I forgot to answer your question. Buy something with the money or put it in the bank ( if it's a nice amount) then write her a nice polite note telling her that you received it and what you are going to get your son with it. This is what you would do if you received money from a relative that live a thousand miles away that you never saw. Then get on with your life and quit fretting yourself about what she does or doesn't do.

As far as not signing the e-mail...that is certainly not something to complain about..... A lot of people don't. After all you did know who sent it, didn't you. what difference does it make whether or not she signed it.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2002 at 4:43PM
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Actually, maybe you think 3 year olds are dumb but they're not. DS asks and talks about his Grandma all the time. He misses her and tell us that. She lives nearby us so we have to pass by her house all the time. He sees their house and gets sad. He's asked if she doesn't like us.

The e-mail thing...she always signed her e-mails. So yeah, it looks weird for a mother to send her son an e-mail and not say anything.

Actually DH is upset about all this. It's been making him sad because this is Christmas and it's not the time of year to be going through this. He misses his step father and the time they spent just laughing and joking. He's also upset that she doesn't give a d#mn about her grandbaby on the way.

Really, I'm sorry I asked. It's too bad others have to be rude about stuff like this. Life does go on without her but I have children that I worry about. I see how it's affecting my son and I worry how it will be for the baby when he/she is born and Grandma doesn't give a care in the world. Why's this bother me? Because DS was born two months premature. This same woman got into her car every morning and drove 60 miles one way to spend his morning feeding time with him before jumping back in the car to come home to get to work at 3pm. We also stayed with her for a few months after he was born until we got into a bigger apartment. She bonded with and help care for this child and loves him. She always spoke about how close she and I were and how much she liked me and was glad DH was with me...all until she assumed stuff and blew up . Wouldn't anyone be hurt?

    Bookmark   December 18, 2002 at 7:12PM
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OK, you have failed to point out that she was at one time a caring person. Since it seems that her behavior has changed, perhaps she has a health/mental problem that you are not aware of. You have painted her in this and previous posts as a not so nice person with changable attitudes towards her family.

Perhaps if it is a health problem, it will soon be evident as to what it is. Has she had any kind of check up lately?

Tell your son when he asks that Grandma isn't feeling well....which she really isn't when she behaves as she does. You are not going to be able to change her or get her to behave by what you think is proper. Just prepare your son to have other interests and be careful what you say in front of him. He will forget more than you think he will.

Incidently, you would be smart to see if in your state you are considered your fiance's common law wife. Otherwise, she will be considered his next-of-kin on things like hospital admissions, On any life insurance, if you are not named by name, it will probably go to his estate...that is her. You might even have to prove that the children are his in order to claim anything for them.

This sort of thing varies from state to state and many women are really suprised to find that they have no standing in case of death or serious illness. You would not be eligible for any pension or Social Security benefits for yourself or the children, Of course, if your state does recognise common law marriages and you have been together long enough, you are safe.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2002 at 7:51PM
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I think this goes two ways. Did you do something to make her mad? Are you jealous of the mother and son bond? Is she thinking you are trying to take her son away from her? To me this sounds like a power struggle between you and her for the love of her son. The only ones getting hurt here are the children so therefore I would be the one to break the ice and talk to her about this.My first MIL thought I was taking her son away as we had our life. When we discussed the situation he would go out to lunch with her once a week to have there quality time alone. Then me and the kids and him would go over to her house for dinner once a week. Solved all of our problems with her.Even though she would talk about me at there lunch she still was his mother and i respected that. She was always nice to me when we was at her house. This is my first time here as I don't come here. Hope you can all have a verrry MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!Now back to the forums I love! Take care!! Doris

    Bookmark   December 18, 2002 at 10:32PM
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