Why Can't I tell

DarrylsMomFebruary 15, 2007

My name is darryls mom , I have been here for 2 years this past sept. When I came here my son died just 2 weeks ago and I found I had found some one could listen with an open mind. We went though all the grieving with my family by my side but to this day I still can't say it. My son was 34 when he died and we did not know why. We were told that he had died because of his heart and that was enough for us at that time. Then 4 months later in January my daughter called me to tell me he had died from an overdose of sleeping pills. THERE I SAIED IT. Why can't I say it to everyone? one day one of the people I work with asked me how he died and I said a Heart Attack and a girl in back of her was snickering as much as to say yeah right. How Rude was that. My son was a Very good person And I hope is in Heaven now but this is why I just can't say how he really died so that is why I can't say it to everyone is that wrong? We live in a small community and everyone knows each other is it wrong to keep this to my self? I come here often and read the posts Sorry for being so long but am having a hard week Thank You For Listening Darlene/DarrylsMom Forever

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I had not read about your loss of your son before, I am sorry to hear of it now.

Telling them that it is a 'private matter' should end it. That is sufficient. People who ask are really in the wrong there. If they ask again, you just repeat that it is a private matter. If they persist, turn around and walk off. Do not let them torment you like that.
Small communities have a way of bringing out the truly caring and...well just the nosey. Why you can't tell might be because you might be recognising/knowing that it is not polite or appropriate for them to be asking and it is none of their business.

Darlene I would suggest only sharing how your son died with those who truly care about you both and it may be just a few choice people who can be caring enough to help you through this. Most likely it will not be your coworkers from the way it sounds. Most folks just cannot deal with it, nor should they, they do not help someone when they do. If you have some around you who have been understanding in the past and supportive, you might ask them if they would be just willing to be there to listen in times when you want to talk about your son or life for you now. I lost my Mom a couple years ago and there were times when I just wanted someone to talk about her. I wanted to remember the good points and forget the bad, bring us some memories.

My belief is we go to Heaven if we believe in God and don't reject him. All other of our faults are equal in their terms of what we have done wrong and forgiven. I would not fear that your son is anywhere else :))

Times will get better for you, the road is just a curvy one for a time.
All the best to you,

    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 12:07AM
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Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your precious son.

I agree with Lucy, that it isn't really any else's business outside the family how he died. Anyone who would snicker or gossip about it is beneath contempt.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 11:23AM
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I am so sorry that more grief is being added to the burden that you are already carrying. My boy died accidentally, but I have 2 friends who have lost grown children, one to an accidental drug overdose and the other to a drug overdose, most likely a suicide. They mourn their children no less than I do. For others to let their curiosity and need for idle gossip add to your immense sorrow is more than cruel and unkind. I agree that you need to share it only with those you feel would understand. It's no one else's business. Thank you for sharing with us. It only adds to our need to comfort you and listen to you. Bless you and your family.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 2:37PM
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I don't think it matters what contributed to the heart problem. He did have a heart attack, and I would leave it at that. Anybody who snickers is a heartless, cruel person who doesn't deserve to have their actions acknowledged whatsoever.

My mom died of heart issues, as well as kidney failure. She smoked for almost 50 years and even after 4 heart attacks continued to smoke. She 'contributed' to the problems that eventually made her earthly body die, but I love her just the same, and I don't think that analogy is too far off from what happened to your son. He could have been groggy and took a few pills by mistake. That is entirely possible, and regardless of what took him to heaven the love you had for each other cannot be erased by anything or anyone. Period.


    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 2:55PM
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Darlene, my heart goes out to you. People are naturally curious in asking "why", but they don't realize it is hurtful for us to say it. My husband died in a car accident, and even that is hard to say out loud 8 years later! It is difficult enough to struggle with our reality, without having to acknowledge it out loud. You are totally within your right to say "it's a private matter". Or you may want to just say "I don't like to talk about it". Those who snicker at "a heart attack" are being uncompassionate now, but sooner or later they too will suffer a loss and finally understand.
May the good memories of him sustain you.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2007 at 10:02PM
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I am so sorry for this difficult time in your life - I will add you to my prayer list.

Dunker said it: your son died as the result of an unsuspected heart condition - that is all you need to say.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2007 at 11:30AM
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Hi: My brother passed in a similar manner, almost ten years ago, and I remember telling associates the same very thing. It is funny, but there are certain folks, even today, who I don't have a problem talking frankly with about mty brother, but for nearly everyone else, it is as if he never existed. When people ask about siblings, it's always about who is living today, and when he's brought up, I generally change the subject or find a way to leave the room. I'm not sure why it is, I feel bad in a way that he is almost all but forgotten about, but some things are just real tough to bring up...

    Bookmark   February 19, 2007 at 5:46PM
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...did your daughter keep this from you intentionally for four months? If so, I would have to ask her why. God, that would be tough to go through, almost like losing someone twice. I know when my brother passed, I had a conversation with my other brother before I sat down to tell my parents about it, and he encouraged me to tell my dad that he passed from heart problems, as my dad had alzheimer's and he wasn't sure how he would take it. I said, "absolutely not," wow, this sure does bring back a lot of memories...

    Bookmark   February 19, 2007 at 5:56PM
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You are suffering a terrible heartbreak about the loss of yur dear son. I'm sure he was a fine person.

It sounds as if you really are not sure of the cause of your son's death. I think it would be helpful to talk to people about it, but only those you know will be your friends and not judge you or your son regarding the reasons or confusion about it. Only those who will listen with care, concern and compassion. If you have a good friend or family member who could help you in this way, I think it would be helpful for you to talk about it. It's hard to carry these issues around with no one to share them with. If you have no one else, maybe you could talk to a grief counselor.

As for the snickering co-worker, is it possible you mis-understood what she was saying, or that she was talking to someone else? It just sounds like such a low thing to do. Whatever it was, try to forget it. That type person is not worth thinking about.

I'm sorry you had a bad week. Yes, you will always be Darryl's mom, forever. You still have a bridge to him, and it is your enduring love.

Take care, and we're glad you've come here to share.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2007 at 7:41PM
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Thank You everyone for all the posts they have helped sooo much. When my son died we had no answer on how he died,we were just guessing and hoping it was a heart attack. It took until the end of jan. for us to know and my daughter had to make alot of phone calls to find out. No she called me immediately and came home we were so upset. My family knows and understands but where i work is a different think. I didn't start out intentionly not telling but as time went by that's how it went. One girl at the start said to me Darlene Darrly died from a heart attack right I said yes she said there i knew it and someone had said to her it was suiside and she said no way he did . Then she said I knew he wouldn't take the cowards way out. Well that made up my mind that I would never say anything about it. I don't talk about him there much but he is forever with us and my family. I feel so much better now that i can share here, thank you again for listening. Darlene

    Bookmark   February 20, 2007 at 3:23PM
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Wow, I think I would really have to refrain myself from popping that person right in the choppers if I were in your shoes.All the things I've learned and read about mental health issues in the last ten years makes me realize that more times than not these people are very sick and it certainly has nothing to do with cowardice... Wow, what ignorant people!

    Bookmark   February 20, 2007 at 5:38PM
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Darlene; I am sorry for your loss! We lost our son 2 1/2 months ago and he was only 20 years old. It has been difficult for us as well. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone what your son died of. It is nobodys business and let them talk all they want. You just keep your son in your heart and remember the good times you had together. The girl that snickered in the background, she will get hers some day. What goes around comes around. Sad to say that, but it is true. She has not felt losses of loved ones. You just walk with your head up high and don't worry about what people think or say. We have a saying in Spanish for that, but it's best I don't repeat it. My wife and I just received the video that they showed at my son's service starting from his baby pictures to weeks before he was killed. There was some beautiful music with the video and we, held onto each other and cried. We miss him dearly as you miss your baby. We will pray for you and remember you don't have to explain your son's death to anyone. Tu amigo, Ascencion and we will be praying for you and your family.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2007 at 4:04AM
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I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with ignorant people regarding your son's death. We have also lost our 19 year old daughter and beieve me, we have heard some ignorant remarks. I think in most cases, people just don't realize how hurtful what they say can be. They are uncomfortable to begin with and sometimes they blurt out remrks that they are probably sorry for later.
When you are asked questions that you don't care to answer, you could just say, " I really don't like to talk about it". That is a truthful answer and they will get the message. You could also simply say, "It was his heart" and leave it at that. If they press the issue, just say you'd rather not discuss it. Sometimes people ask because they are genuinely interested and want to show they care. Other times, it's just curiosity coming out. Either way, it is your perogative to talk or not.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know it is a loss beyond all others.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2007 at 8:04PM
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it dose not matter what other people think, it never will,you just deal with your pain and to hell what they think sweety.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2007 at 8:48AM
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