Long Time Lurker...Finally Going to Tell My Story...
Hi, everyone! My name is Adrienne and I have been reading your incredible stories for probably well over a year now! I've always thought about/wanted to share mine and introduce myself...but just never could do it...don't know why, really. Anyway, today is the day...and again I don't know why it is.
It'll be five years ago on April 6th that I lost my only sister. She died from complications during childbirth. It was a planned C-section and to this day we really don't know what happened...all reports and investigations said it was a "complicated medical case", whatever that means.
Because it was a planned C-section she was able to pick a date and therefore picked April 6th because it was also our only brother's birthday...so yes...my sister died on my brother's birthday giving birth to a beautiful baby girl who luckily lived and now shares the same birthday as her uncle.
As you can imagine...it has been awful! And although my own grief seems unbearable at times...what is worst to me is watching the grief that my parents have endured. It's amazing to me how much they have actually physically aged in the past 5 years.
The loss has kinda screwed me up in other ways, too. For one thing I am 35 years old and my DH and I have no children. We were starting to plan when Laura died...but I became "shell-shocked" and kept putting it off. I was afraid not only for myself (even though my intellect tells me that the chances of the same thing happening are very slim) but I am afraid for my parents as well. I can't imagine telling them I'm pregnant and knowing that it will be so very bitter-sweet for them. Too many bad memories.
Also, I tend to be OBSESSED with death. My brother had a heart attack at the age of 35 (almost 8 years ago). He is ok but I have this irrational fear that something will happen to him...I can't bear the thought of anything else happening in our family...I can't bear the thought of my parents losing another one of us...I can't bear the thought of being the only one left! It's crazy, I know. And it's definitely not a way to live..but I can't help it. The worst part is...I'm a Social Worker...I work with people everyday who have "issues" like this...I can identify them in myself but can't seem to do anything about it for myself!
Lastly is the guilt that I harbor. The guilt for the not as close as I wish it was relationship with my sister (although we had been working on that the last few months of her life). I also feel constantly guilty for not seeing/talking to her children enough. The situation is very complicated...too complicated to get into now...but it makes it difficult to see/talk to them sometimes. I think I need to be a better aunt..but it's just so hard sometimes.
Anyway, I know I am rambling...and after all this time of lurking I finally decide to "come out" and now it's all a mess...I'm sorry.
Thank you all for "listening".