How do I keep my mouth shut?

mattandkimsmomDecember 2, 2001

How do I keep my mouth idle when I see my daughter leave her home when her husband gets home from work, by the way she has 2 sons, 3 and 1. She goes with her best girlfriend out, shopping etc and then back too her friends house and stays there, just hanging out til wee hours of the morning. They are not drinking or doing drugs. I have told her that I disagree with the way she is acting but she sees nothing wrong with it. Any suggestions???

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If this behavior is acceptable to her husband, than I don't
think it is any of your business. We raised our kids to adulthood instilling in them family values and morals. We can't control what they choose to do with this knowledge.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2001 at 11:42AM
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Thanks Anon, you are perfectly right and I know I did raise my kids right, it just gets frusterating.
Thanks so much

    Bookmark   December 2, 2001 at 12:40PM
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One is always a Mom and it is so hard to keep quiet. I usually don't. I don't understand why she would leave her family at night--by the way does this happen every night? It would be a temptation for her husband to find a new mom for his kids, but then, maybe by the time the kids reach school age, she will settle down, if the marriage is still contact. I do wish you the best to say the right thing.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2001 at 6:40PM
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Perhaps she is going through a bad patch right now and needs some time away. We, as parents, don't always know what is going on " behind the scene". I didn't tell my parents what was going on either!

Maybe talking to her and telling her that if she needs you you will be glad to listen, really listen, and help her if you can. Then give her a big hug.

I never told my parents much of anything that was important, because I never felt that they really wanted to hear.

Good luck and I hope it is a temporary situation and it will turn around.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2001 at 10:14PM
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You have already told her that you disagree with the way she is acting. There is really nothing else you can say. It's possible there are marital issues and she doesn't want to be at home in the evenings with her husband.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2001 at 11:35AM
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How old is your daughter? It sounds like she got married and had kids way too young and now she wants to have fun. I know this doesn't answer your question of what you can do to help. I feel bad for your son-in-law working all day and then having to take care of babies all night. Your daughter could end up losing a good man and her children if she doesn't change. Talk to your son-in-law. If it turns out he doesn't mind, you can stop worrying.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2001 at 9:46PM
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My daughter is 22, happened to get pregnant at 19, then got married 3 yrs ago, had 1 more a year ago and she is just figureing out that she gave up freedom, college etc. Her husband just kind of rolls with it.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2001 at 1:25AM
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Why can't she go out with her girlfriends? What exactly is the problem?

My girlfriends and I go out a few times a month without the guys and the kids. I never realized it meant we were all being bad mothers and wives. BTW-we are all in our 30's/40's and did not have kids young. We just like to go out as adults. We don't stay out as late as you indicate, but we do get home after the kids are asleep. Our husbands are perfectly capable of spending some time with the kids, reading them a story and getting them to sleep for the night.

I really do not understand what the problem is.


    Bookmark   December 4, 2001 at 9:07AM
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You're right, if it is just occasionally. Funny how we read the same message and came up with different impressions. It sounded to me like she goes out every night, but when I went back to read the original message, mattandkimsmom doesn't say that. I agree with you that moms (and dads too) need some time on their own.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2001 at 4:41PM
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it is occasionally, friday,saturday, but the thing i have a hard time with is it is till 3 or 4 in the am. and after thinking more on this, she doesn't drive so maybe she just does need and escape for awhile.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2001 at 5:46PM
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I do not see that this is your business. When she was 15 you got to tell her how late she could stay out. Now that she is an adult it is no longer appropriate for you to monitor her comings and goings.


    Bookmark   December 6, 2001 at 12:16PM
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no I know, I just worry she is going to do something stupid. The friend she goes out with is allowed to date other guys with her husbands okay. I just worry my daughter will see this as being okay. I know I raised her right but sometimes the other side of life looks awfully good.
I know you are right mommabear.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2001 at 2:26PM
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I am sure you raised her right. Her friend's marriage sounds messed up.


    Bookmark   December 6, 2001 at 4:26PM
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Does she work? She may be with kids all week long and this is her way to get some time out. It is probably better for her marriage that her dh doesn't mind if she goes. This may give her the release to be a good mom and wife through the week. Eventually she may not need to do this as the kids will be a little easier to take care of when they get a little older and may not be so stressful for her. If she is not drinking, or doing drugs and her dh is ok with it I would just leave it alone. You don't want to make her feel guitly from what may be some much needed time away for her. Too bad more moms couldn't get some more time to theirselves with their dh's being supportive of it. Of course most would not need every single weekend but to each their own. :)

    Bookmark   December 19, 2001 at 9:05AM
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Well, I was ok with the daughter spending time with her friend, till I got to the part about the friend "dating" other people while being married. I would worry about my daughter spending lots of time with someone like that, too. That puts a whole different spin on the story.

If her husband is ok with it, then it is between them. But if the kids are older, I would also worry about them getting the wrong message about marriage if they know the friend's dating habits.

    Bookmark   December 25, 2001 at 6:32PM
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