Just lost my mom

Wendy_LFebruary 20, 2005

I am hoping that this will help me deal with the worst pain I have ever felt.

Three years ago my sister went to sleep and never woke up. I had a really hard time with her death (still do)and so did mom. The three of us were very close all of our lives. I thought that was hard until...

My mom died 4 weeks ago(tomorrow). I miss her so much and I don't know what to do to make myself feel better - she was my best friend. I find myself going through the motions of my life as best I can but everything I do, everything I see reminds me of her. People that I thought I was close to before I don't feel close to anymore.. almost like I am shutting everyone out. I am married and we have 2 children (ages 5 & 7) and I am trying to go on for them, but it is so hard.

My mom was 73 and she had a major stroke and heart attack. She was in the hospital for four days before we had to make the decision to take her off life support. We got through the funeral but we still have to deal with the burial. (she was cremated)

I feel so empty and alone. I know time will heal but that doesn't help me today. Everyone around me thinks I am doing great, but they don't know how I feel inside. I feel like the only ones that could help me through are gone.

Thanks for listening.

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Wendy, my heart aches for you. My mother passed away nearly two years ago (April 25). You are fortunate, as I was, to be not only a daughter but a friend to your mother. You enriched each other's lives, and I hope that thought comforts you.

Thinking of you...


    Bookmark   February 21, 2005 at 9:16AM
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I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2005 at 6:44PM
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Wendy, you were obviously a wonderful daughter. You still are. I think every mother would dearly love to have a grown child who thinks of her as their best friend.

Perhaps grief counseling would be a good move at this point. Also, I hope you can think of your mother as still "around." Not the way she used to be, but certainly very much with you. I encourage you to be open to signs from her, and to pay attention to your dreams.

Please continue to visit here, and keep us posted.


    Bookmark   February 21, 2005 at 8:26PM
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Oh, Susan...I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my sister almost 5 years ago (April 6th) and sometimes it only feels like yesterday. I know that after only three years you are still grieving and hurting...and now this. My mom is also my best friend...and I couldn't imagine losing her ever...but I especially can't imagine it with ny wounds still so fresh from losing my sister. So my heart definitely does got out to you.

Please be careful, though, not to pull away too much from you husband and children. I know that no one can feel the pain you are feeling and so it's easy to close up within yourself. Your DH is a source of support to you and you need to allow him to be. I know from personal experience...after my sister died I pulled away from my DH (afterall...he couldn't ever know how I was feeling) and it put a strain in our relationship. We have since re-built it but it was hard. Your mom would want you to gain strength from those you love...as you would have from her.

Take care of yourself and please do not be a stranger.


    Bookmark   February 21, 2005 at 9:23PM
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I just signed up because my dad passed away a month tomorrow and I have been reading an excellent book but still need that interaction with people going through the same thing.
It was a shock for my mom and I because my father was not sick a day in his life and he suddenly had a heart attack at 65.
I just wanted to say I feel for you and totally know what your going through. Even when people say they understand etc. it still doesnt make me feel better but at least here you know we are all going through the same things although we may deal with things differently.
I hope to talk to you again on the forum.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2005 at 10:24PM
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Wendy so sorry about your Mom's passing. I lost my Mom 20 months ago and my Dad just 1 year this month. They were my best friends and the two best parents I could have asked for. I miss them more than words can say. There is no quick fix for anyone. You will need to go through all the steps of grieving. If you try and skip the steps you will never heal. The way you are feeling is just like I feel and everyone on this board who had loss someone they loved!!

I felt like a orphen, all alone to and I also have a family buts thats not the same. I was not ready to be parentless but then would I ever be. Its funny but the little clock my Dad had at his bed side when he was in the hospital is still a ticking. We have to move on as time doesn't stop for no one. Your Mom is still very much with you as is your sister. Try not to shut people out of your life who still need you. Be happy you had the great Mom you did.

Time will heal all wounds!!!


    Bookmark   February 21, 2005 at 10:26PM
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Thanks so much to all of you that responded, it helps to talk about it and to hear from people that have had such great loss in their lives. I have made it through a couple more days of this crazy life. But I do have to say that I feel like I am feeling worse rather than better..(is this normal?) I am on the verge of tears several times everyday and feel such intense heartache. Someone mentioned the steps of grieving..can I find these steps somewhere so I can gain some hope that maybe I am headed in the right direction?

I thought I should mention that I am not really pulling away from my husband (well maybe a little) and the kids. I am finding strength from them, they are about all that is keeping me going these days. My husband was wonderful that awful week of running to the hospital and the funeral etc., I think however he is having a hard time knowing what to do for me since then. I am not upset with him.. I just feel like it is all within and there is nothing anyone can do or say.

Talking to my sister the other day and she said that her and mom had a long talk on New Years Eve. Mom said that when something happens to her, she is most worried about me and how I will be able to deal with it because I need her the most. That really upset me because she is so right. She was always there when I needed her. Maybe it is that comment that has made me feel worse the last few days.

Sorry if I am rambling on and on. Thanks again for listening - I am so glad I found you.


    Bookmark   February 22, 2005 at 9:22PM
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Yes Wendy-this is totally normal.

As I say I have been reading up on this. The reason is because the initial shock is slowly wearing away and you are starting to realize this person is not coming back and that as time passes by you are missing them as if they went away.

I too feel intense heartache and out of nowhere I get teary eyed.

I too am a little distant from my husband. Although he did not have a close relationship with his parents, he was very close to mine but he still doesnt know how it is from a childs perspective.

We are the ones with all the heartache. I know my husband feels sad for both my dad and I but it is nothing compared to what I am feeling. Sometimes I even think he is not being compassionate enough but what do I expect for his whole life to stop.

There are steps of grieving and I will put them on the site tomorrow. I will also give you the name of a great book that has helped me.

I think abouth that too with my mom being left. What does it feel like to be an orphan. I cant even begin to think about it. Lets just deal with this first, OK. Good night and I'll speak to you tomorrow.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2005 at 10:24PM
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I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you were a wonderfully close family. Sending special prayers to you for strength.


    Bookmark   February 23, 2005 at 7:17AM
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Made it through another day.

I didn't mention in my previous posts that my dad passed away 10 years ago this coming July. He and I weren't really close since he and my mom separated when I was quite young. But he was my dad and I loved him.. the last year of his life, when he was sick, we did get a little closer. But I was always closer to mom because it was just her and I when I was growing up.

I've read other posts on how when you lose a parent your whole perspective on life changes. Any thoughts on this? How it changes?

Take care all,

    Bookmark   February 23, 2005 at 10:11PM
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I lost my mom going on 7 years now, but it still feels like it was just yesterday. I was very lucky as we were very close for a son and mom and like yours, she was my confidant. There wasn't anything I couldn't discuss with her and not feel comfortable about it. She had just moved into a new condo and was starting to enjoy it when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I was devastated when we were told (2 brothers and a sister) that she had only about 6 months to live. It turned out to be only four and I spent 3 weeks back home running back and forth between the hospice and her condo. I'd take her to the condo so she could be with her dog and out of the place for a short while. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

A support group can be very helpful. I was lucky enough to find one about 6 months after she died and it was a big help. Those people truly understood what I was going through and I made a couple of life long friends from there.

Just remember that she's always going to be with you no matter what. You have those wonderful memories of her and no one can take that away.


    Bookmark   February 24, 2005 at 8:17AM
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Wendy, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I too, am still grieving over losing my mom this past June. We were the best of friends, as I also was with my 19 year old daughter who was killed almost 7 years ago.
I know you must be feeling somewhat of what I have felt after having lost my mom and daughter. You have lost your sister and mom whom were very close to you. I know it's a lonely feeling and no one else understands. Our lives are different now, but we have to go on for those that are still here that love us and need us. We can't throw away time with these people because there is no guarantee that they will be with us forever either.
If you are a Christian, you have to try to remember that you will be with your mom and sister again. This is what keeps me going without my mom and daughter. Your whole family will be together again.
You will go through many emotions and ups and downs before you can honestly say that you are feeling better, but I promise you, you will feel better in time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope that you will continue to come here for support.
Below is a link that may help you understand what you are going through.

Here is a link that might be useful: Five Stages of Grief

    Bookmark   February 24, 2005 at 11:28AM
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The last link that I posted is for dying people. So sorry about that.
This link may be more helpful.

Here is a link that might be useful: Five Stages of Grief

    Bookmark   February 24, 2005 at 11:55AM
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Lu and Steve,

Thanks so much for your kind words and understanding. I am sorry for your losses. No one knows how it feels until it happens to you.

Steve - I can't imagine how you did it for 3 weeks. I did it for 4 days and couldn't cope. You are a great son and I am sure that your mom loved you dearly. I guess you just find the strength. I found the strength to speak at mom's funeral.. just something that I had to do (for me). I have thought about a support group but I don't know if I can face that just yet, but it is something I am going to think about.

Lu - I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, the love you have for your kids is the same intense love you have for a parent - and it must have been so hard for you (and still so hard) You have created a wonderful memorial in the website for Christin - she's beautiful. Thank you for the link. I know that someday I will be with her again and the feelings of wanting her here today are totally selfish ones - it is just the first time I have ever had to go through something 'big' without her.

Funny thing - I am in my mid 30's but inside I feel 5 again. Like a little girl who needs her mommy. I hope this feeling goes away soon since I have a little girl (5) and boy (7) who need their mommy back to her old self.

Thanks for being here.

ps. eashaw - how are you doing?

    Bookmark   February 24, 2005 at 9:50PM
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Hi Wendy,
You just have to flow with it and when you need to cry you cry, and don't be afraid to laugh. Like I said its been 20 months since Mom passed and almost 13 months since Dad passed and I still get tears at times. Not everyday anymore (thankGod) but I do have my down times. Funny thing is, I am starting to sound like my Mom and say things she would have said. I have pictures around me of them and also their ashes which makes me feel better.My whole family got some remains and I put them in beautiful glass containers for my 2 daughter and 1 realy cool blown glass container for my son. Then my brother and I split them. I know my parents would rather be here with the family than in the ground.

What keeps me going is my love of life. They had a full life and family around them that loved them dearly. I have to be honest,I miss them dearly but I still want to enjoy life just like they did when their parents passed. You will be just fine in time. Rememer, grieving is another word for love !!!


    Bookmark   February 24, 2005 at 11:52PM
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Hi, Wendy,
My Mom just passed away on February 27 so I am going through the same things you are. On Feb. 19th she had the symptoms of a heart attack and was taken to the hospital where it was found she had an aneurism on her aorta. This was the first we knew of any heart trouble. So in less than two weeks from the time of the 911 call she was gone. On the night she died I had only been home from the hospital about an hour when my Dad called to tell me and I didn't believe him. We all thought she was getting better and would be coming home within the next few days. I remember just screaming at him to not tell me that, it wasn't true. My son woke up and took the phone away from me and talked to Daddy himself. I don't know what I would have done if I had been here alone. The time between her passing and the funeral was just a nightmare: everyone was shocked and her friends, while well-meaning, brought food but it seemed like I ended up putting my own feelings aside to comfort them. Things have finally begun to calm down so that I can try to deal with my own feelings of grief but I just feel numb. It hits me at the oddest times - I stood in the shower yesterday morning and just sobbed. And trying to help my Dad is even harder, I think. They dated through high school and were married for 55 years. He is just lost. Stay in touch, Wendy. Maybe we can help each other through this.


    Bookmark   March 19, 2005 at 7:34AM
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Hi Gail, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I can understand completely what you are going through. I, too, have stood in the shower sobbing. It is definitely an emotional rollercoaster. It is still for me and it has been almost two months. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, or how long you should feel the way you do. Do your grieving on your own terms. Try and surround yourself with people that truly care (and you will know who they are)they will help you. Even though it feels like no one can understand how you feel. My life has changed since mom has gone, and I truly don't think that I will ever be the same.

One thing that I have found has helped me 'a little' is there are so many feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories, dreams etc. going through my head all the time that at times I felt like my head was going to explode. So I bought a journal and have been writing in it when I feel that way. It helps to release it, you can write however you feel and it isn't going to judge you. No one knows of my journal, I hide it because I don't really want anyone to read it.

Take care of your dad, just be there for each other. He loves you and you love him - make sure you say it each and every day. The love will help you through this.

Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2005 at 9:27AM
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I lost Mum to a series of strokes one month ago today, like your mum her heart had stopped working properly. They told us how serious the brain damage was and Dad left the decision to not resuscitate to me. I also had to give permission to remove feeding tubes. Like you I feel so lost and distant from everyone. I also feel so guilty at having the feeding tubes removed, although mum died within 24 hours of this taking place and everyone tells me it wouldn't have made any difference it still feels wrong. Up to a week ago I was fairly ok; I was so busy sorting out everything for everyone else. I'm the youngest, but I'm also the one most like Mum, the one everyone looks to for decisions. Now I'm back sorting out my own life I cry at stupid moments and just feel like my world is incomplete. I have a brilliant partner of 4 years who is making life bearable. We are getting engaged at Christmas and I should be so happy but I'm just so sad that mum isn't here to share my future joy. I'm just so confused; it's like being on a rollercoaster ride. I know this isn't helping you, but you are not alone feeling so bad at losing a wonderful mum and best friend, it is just so hard to take. But lets hang in there everyone says it will get easier. I hope it does for both of us. Love Sue xx

    Bookmark   September 15, 2005 at 6:29PM
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Hi Sue, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.((((hug)))) Everything you said sounds like a carbon copy of me, I am the youngest, the most like mom and the closest to her and had to make that dreadful decision as well. How long was she on the life support?

Losing your mom is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through - definitely an emotional rollercoaster. Does it get easier?.. well.. umm.. in some ways I guess. It hurts as much today as it did yesterday, I still feel the loss tremendously but I am able to laugh and function in my day to day life. I guess it is just different phases of grief that you go through.

You have made the right choice coming here because believe it or not it does help to talk with people that can emphasize and understand what you are going through. I still come here almost everday.

I wanted to email you privately but you don't have your email address listed.. so if you want to email me.. I am all ears and I have big shoulders to cry on. And if not, that is okay too.

Just know that I understand your pain and we can work through it together..

Take care

    Bookmark   September 15, 2005 at 9:07PM
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in the jewish tradition, seven days of mourning so deep that you cannot care for yourself are followed by four weeks of mourning that leaves salt crusted on the torn lapel of your jacket are followed by ten MONTHS of simply mourning.

I guess I'm lucky- as much as I miss my poppa, there isn't any way I could be the daughter he was so proud of, and leave him there in that bed unable to do any of the things he loved, without even the strength to work the remote control or the call button, or swallow more than a trickle of the water ice he wasn't supposed to be eating.

and I'm luckier, because I have a boss who gently closes my door when he find me typing with tears running down my face, which has been happening several times a week since april when they first took poppa to the hospital.

love and Light, folks, and gentle dreams of your loved ones.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2005 at 3:36PM
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Dear Wendy L,
I googled the pharse "I lost my mom" and got your posting site. Reading all that you wrote and what other's wrote to you was so comforting. I lost my Mom on October 13th 2003. It still feels like yesterday. She died of MS. It was a rare form that took her rather quickly (and harshly). She was only 53. She was such a strong and loving person. She was my rock. And it is strange, but I feel that no one will ever love me so unconditionally ever again except her. I could not have a fault or a flaw in her eyes. (but of course there are many!)

From your postings I linked to the 5 stages of greif. That helped. I am definatley in the "Depression" stage.
I can also relate to "oddtree", whose Dad found someone else after just 10 days. My Dad at LEAST waited two weeks for crying out loud!

Anyway, Wendy I hope you are dealing better and better with your Mom being gone. Listen to your dreams, because that is where my Mom said good-bye to me. I know it was real, because I never had such a vivid dream. They watch out for us. All this silly stuff that is going on back here on earth is just a blink in time. We will see them again. (I hope) God be with you.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2005 at 12:41AM
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HI Wendy. I hope you're doing ok. I am going through the same thing. I lost my dad in October last year, and my mother died pretty suddenly two months later. She was my best friend too, and I feel like a lot of the well-being I had came from knowing how much she loved me. It is so hard to lose her. I miss her so much, just yesterday crying in a parking lot before going in a store. It hits in waves at the oddest times.

I've also had some dreams of her...vivid dreams where she just lets me know she's still with me. Anyway you're not alone..many of us are going through this.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2005 at 8:12AM
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I think losing your mother, especially for women, is one of the hardest things, ever. I don't care how old you are or what the circumstances surrounding the death is.

Especially given the conduct of my father and other members of my family, it really feels like the whole family has died, not just my mom.

But, you do what you can and take it one day at a time. I think one thing my mom imparted to me was to live for yourself. It's so hard for a woman to be true to herself, given everyone who wants to demand her time and attention. But every woman has dreams and talents, and it's crazy not to try to make them happen. I'm so happy my mom got to open her small business before she died. It was her 'baby'.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2005 at 6:33PM
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Good thoughts, Oddtree. My mom lived to please her family much of her life, and that created some depression for her. She had loved dance when she was young, and took it back up when she was in her late seventies. It made her so happy. I think that it also gave her more freedom to speak her mind and be opinionated. She really grew as an old lady. She'd go to lectures about other cultures and races. I was so proud of her. Still am.

She was Dolly in a Hello Dolly number when she was 83.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2005 at 8:22PM
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Hi Wendy,

I came across this site and just wanted to get in touch with you because your experience sounds a lot like mine. My mom passed away about 6 weeks ago very unexpectedly. I'm 18 and the night before I was supposed to leave for college something went wrong with her heart. My dad and I did CPR on her until the ems team came. After working on her for about 45 minutes, all the way to the hospital, she kind of had a pulse. They finally kind of got a heart beat going and hooked her up to all sorts of machines. She couldn't hear me, see me, talk to me, feel me...she couldn't do anything. She had gone too long without oxygen to her brain, and the damage was irreversible. 3 days later we had to make the decision to take her off life support. My aunt and grandfather wanted to be with her and they said it took less than two minutes for her to go.

I was so close with my mom and it's so hard without her. I was always her little baby. On her last day in the hospital, the nurse moved her over in her bed so I could cuddle with her one last time. I'm at college now, but the only reason I was able to come is because my boyfriend is here and he is a huge help to me. I haven't been home yet so it feels like she will just be there waiting for me when I go home this weekend. I'm so scared for everything to actually start to click in. It used to be so hard for me to be away from her. I couldn't even go to a two week camp one summer in high school without actually getting sick because of being so homesick for her. Now I have to live the whole rest of my life without her.

Sometimes I feel guilty wondering why it happened the night before I was supposed to leave. I feel like I worried her because she knew how much she was going to miss me. She was the most amazing person in the world and was an incredibly mommy to me and my brother. I still can't quite grasp the concept that she isn't here anymore. It makes me so mad that I didn't get to say goodbye to her, or at least that I know she could hear. But I guess that's a good thing because I don't think she ever knew anything was going wrong while it all happened. We never saw her panicking or in pain, which was a blessing. Okay, sorry, I jut got typing and couldn't stop. I guess I haven't really told anyone all this stuff until now, and I don't even know you, but it just helps to get it out. I just wanted to write to you because I know you've gone through a good portion of the grieving process by now and I thought you might have some advice or something like that. If it was anyone else who had died, it would have been so much easier for me because I would have just gone to my mom for help. She always knew exactly what to do to help me. Just like someone said earlier on this post, I feel like no one will ever be able to love me as unconditionally as my mom did.

Sorry this was so long--you don't even really need to respond..I feel a lot better now just after having written all this.

Thanks for listening,

    Bookmark   October 11, 2005 at 10:50PM
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I am so so sorry for your loss.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2005 at 11:14PM
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I think that only people who have lost thier mom can understand the pain and the hurt. I never thought it would be this hard. My mom passed away in June, just four months ago. I cried nearly every day, and yes, the shower was an ideal place. I was already wet so...

It has gotten better. I still move to call her and stop...I still think of her EVERY DAY, and I still cry at odd and sometimes unexpected times. The grief gets better but the missing gets harder.

As my mom lay dying she said something very comforting to me. She asked, "Do you know that Joni Mitchell song, 'Both Sides Now?'. I said I did and she said, well, I've been where you're sitting now. I watched my mom go through this. So I've looked at life from both sides now, and it's much easier to be where I am than where you are. That gave me comfort somehow, just knowing that it was easier for her.

It is getting better but I am dreading the holidays more than I can bear. Her birthday was November and that will be hard. Christmas was a special time for her and that's causing me some anxiety.

I have had many thoughts that have made me feel better. Upper most in my mind and the thought that gives me the greatest comfort is that, no matter how sad I feel about losing my mom, I still have my children. I couldn't bear to lose them and so the pain I have now, I know, is nothing compared to the pain that so many people feel upon losing a child. I'm grateful that at least the tragedy of losing a parent is something that MOST people will experience, and though I'll miss my mom everyday of my life...I will recover. And so will you.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2005 at 11:01PM
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