Mom died, can't get vision out of my head
My mom died 3 weeks, 2 days ago. She was 77. Had Relapsing/Remitting Multiple Sclerosis for 33 years.
She was admitted to a nursing home almost 2 months before she died. I was with her when she died, as I had been with my Father 4 years earlier. His passing was without suffering or complication. Mom's was not. As her lungs filled with fluid she began to get hysterical. Her eyes were wild and she kept trying to talk, nonsensical words. The nurses talked about suctioning her. I had them call Hospice in. When everyone left the room, I sat and whispered to her, "It's ok, don't be afaid" and sang to her. "'Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus". She calmed to just labored breaths, long sighs. Her eyes kept darting around. The hospice nurse had come in and suggested I get some sleep, she would sit with mom a while. She died one hour later after I had fallen asleep in the bed next to hers. Hopsice had left. The nurse awakened me when she came in to give mom her morphine, she was gone. Mom died with no one watching over her. I missed that moment.
I wept over her body, still warm. I can't get the vision of those last terrified moments out of my head. Then, today as I was driving to an appointment, I passed a crematorium. Mom had been cremated. Never before had I seen the billowing smoke coming out of the smokestack of that building. Never. Today, I did. Now I am haunted by images of my mother's beautiful body being burned. I am so sad. I miss her. I have her answering machine with her outgoing message on it. Sometimes I play it over and over just to hear her voice. I feel like I'll never get over her being gone. It all happened so fast and I was with her many hours a day after I would leave work. I've taken a leave of absence but I have to go back tomorrow. I started work right after she died, then it caught up with me. I dread going back.
I just wish, like a wounded animal hides in a corner to nurse it's wounds, that I could just disappear for a few weeks to nurse MY wounds. No one can understand what I'm going through....How do I stop the images from creeping up on me like they are? Why can't I be glad mom is free from her pain?