a question for grandmoms

darkeyedgirlNovember 27, 2001

I have a question for grandmothers out there.

I am taking my daughter out of my mother's care. Mom retired this past Summer and started watching my 5 year old daughter full time. At the same time, my sister, who is working on her fourth child, asked my mom to watch her two kids (older) as well. They are 11 and 10 and angry, rude children, treat my mom like heck, and treat my 5 year old even worse.

Anyway I had to do something, so I am putting my daughter back into daycare where she is safe.

My mom drinks daily, has been drunk many times around my daughter, and claims that she has to drink because of my sister's kids. Just this morning my sister (who is 32) emailed me and apologized profusely for her kids acting the way they do, treating my daughter so badly (beating on her and calling her the B word) and that she would "try to help".

Mom tearfully asked why I'd take my daughter away from her. I told her the truth. I told her, you drink too much, you should be enjoying your retirement, not watching all the grandkids like this. I thought you'd enjoy your time with my daughter but with sis's kids fighting with her and with you and causing so much trouble, something has to give. So my DD will be going to daycare as of next week.

Well, my mom is crushed. Crying, upset, etc. Apparently, she says my daughter keeps her sane.. is the "Sweet one" of the bunch.

In the past few months since my 5 yr old has been around Mimi full time (and sister's kids, who she never really was around before for OBVIOUS reasons... they are hellions), my daughter has been called several very bad words (even by my own mother, who drinks so much), has learned what a boy's "pee pee" looks like because the 11 y.o. runs around naked in front of her, and has learned so much anger. It is sad and disheartening.

I don't want to upset my mother, who has enough problems with her blood pressure and drinking. But for my kid's safety (I have explained this to her), I have to remove my child from her care.

I told mom, it is better for everyone. But she is truly crushed.

If your grown child removed your grandchild from YOUR care, how would you feel?

My DD will only see Mimi once a month (how it used to be). I just don't visit my mom. We live in the same city, etc., talk on the phone alot, but I don't go to her house because sister's kids are almost always there OR because my parents are fighting, or worse, My mom is drunk.

I don't want mom to hurt, but my main obligation is to MY daughter. I feel I may be ruining mom's Christmas but it looks like everything else has ruined this Christmas anyway.

- darkeyedgirl

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Val2

Hi darkeyedgirl -

In my opinion, you're absolutely doing the right thing. YOU are not doing this to your mother - your sister is doing this to your mother and your mother is doing it herself!

You're the lucid one in this story as I read it. Your first obligation is to your daughter. Your mother has allowed what has happened and has "made her bed" by drinking, putting up with bad behavior, and building a place that is harmful to your daughter.

Your mother claims your daughter keeps her sane. What about your daughter's sanity?

Best wishes - V

    Bookmark   November 27, 2001 at 4:31PM
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patgpa_pacbell_net

Tell your Mom, that you still love and care for her but you are just trying to do what is best for your daughter.

Courage!

    Bookmark   November 27, 2001 at 7:52PM
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marie01_altavista_com

Hi
I feel you did the right thing to protect both your daughter and your family. As you are quite concerned about your mother's drinking and since she seems not to be able to help herself, maybe by contacting someone (support)group relating to AA, like the suport group for families, you will be able to help her and understand yourself. Letting an 11 year old run naked in not acceptable and hopefully your sister will get some counseling also. It is truly a difficult situation for all. As far as
Christmas goes, maybe you and your family can plan to do something different, like helping in a shelter, go on a short vacation, but above all, give her a call, and wish every one Happy Christmas, by phone. You can make your own traditions. My thoughts are with you.
Marie

    Bookmark   November 28, 2001 at 12:28AM
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lilme_hotmail_com

This is a tough one. You mention that you only go to see your mom about once a month. If your mom really wanted to see you and her favorite granddaughter, she could always come to your house (minus your sister's kids and sober, of course). You did the right thing by taking your daughter out of that environment.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2001 at 11:50AM
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JTHouston

You did what was right for your child, your mother's drinking probably keeps her from thinking in a rational manner, so please try to not be bothered by her reaction too much.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2001 at 10:35AM
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nospam_thankyou_com

I can't believe that you are even stirring about this. Like you said, you main (and only)obligation is to your daughter. Maybe I am a prude, but I would never leave my DD alone with someone with an alcoholic problem or another kid that showed her his pee-pee. That is just unacceptable. For God's sakes girl, if he is 11 and showing his pee pee to your DD, that is abuse! And if my mother ever called my DD names...that would be the last time she saw her for a very long time! You must stop the cycle now, for your daughter's sake! If you allow your child to surrounded by people like this, I guarantee, your child will not be the "sweet one" for long. Sorry to be so rough, but your child was abused...and that is not right. Good job for taking your child out of that situation!

    Bookmark   November 29, 2001 at 4:51PM
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darkeyedgirl

Hi all, my DD starts preschool (again) on Monday of next week.

Today, she is with "the other" grandmother... her paternal grandma, who is THE best grandma in my opinion. She is my ex-husband's mother, she plays with my kid and is perhaps the most prudish woman, but I tell you, I'd rather have my kid around a prude than a foul-mouth drunk.

I did have along chat with my own mother, she was somewhat upset yet somewhat relieved when I told her that DD would be in daycare as of next Monday. I told my mom she needs to enjoy her retirement, stop getting so stressed out, and perhaps if there aren't so many kids around (well, one less with my child being gone) she won't drink "as much".

DD is very excited about going back to this daycare she was at for a while earlier this year. At least there will be structure, discipline, and activies, not to mention, kids her age there.

I agree about my 11 yr old nephew; he has many problems. I feel sorry for my sister's kids and wish I could do more. I feel much better about this choice and my mom seems okay with it... she was upset at first, but after I hugged her and told her she needs less stress in her life and she will still see my DD once a week, she smiled.

There was an above-poster who said that my mom could come to MY house to see my DD... that doesn't work. My mom doesn't want to drive, or really even leave the house. We live about 5 minutes from each other; usually I do stop by every other weekend to say Hi to my parents but we don't stay long. Mom just doesn't venture out that much!

Anyway, thanks for all of the comments, good and bad. I'm hoping by the grace of God my sister's kids will be kind to my mom so she can enjoy her time off from work.

- darkeyedgirl

    Bookmark   November 30, 2001 at 8:47AM
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