Thoughts about jealousy of the other grandparent(s)

elisa_z5November 20, 2013

As I mentioned in my other "thoughts on" post, I am a new grandparent of two (14 months and 21 months) and have been learning things the hard way. I've read for hours on this forum, and have received SO much help here! Many thanks to all who have posted their wisdom.

So, when I did some musing and writing about a couple of issues, I thought I would share here in case this might be able to help anyone out, the way I've been helped out here--especially with the holidays coming up.

It's Not a Marriage, It's a Village

I've been thinking about jealousy between grandparents and wanted to put down some thoughts about it -- sort of thinking out loud so I'll learn something.

I'm jealous of my ex husband's wife, especially since she lives close to my grandson and I live far away. (And she is sweet, and fun--stiff competition.) My husband is jealous of the step-grandfather on the in-laws side for our grand daughter, (we live *really* far away from our grand daughter, and he lives locally to her) even though he's one of the most amazing people we've ever met.

Why the jealousy? Is it because these babies are so charming, so beautiful, so full of love, that we are in love with each of them and somewhere in our reptilian minds we think that when you're in love, it should be monogamous? (Note to reptilian mind: we are in love with TWO babies this way. Do you see the flawed logic here???)

Well, time to have a chat with the reptile mind. Children are so big hearted, there is plenty of love to go around to all the grandparents, even when through divorce, remarriage, and great-grands still alive, kids have lots of grandparents. And who could wish for less for them?

On the Baby Signing Time tape, there is a song about grandparents, and the refrain is "I've got many many people who love me!" Joy that these children have so many people who love them should be my only emotion when I think of the village of caring adults that surrounds each of them. Joy, gratitude, generosity. What a better way to treat myself than to fill my mind with stinginess, competition, fear of not being the favorite.

Just before Halloween, while visiting our grand daughter, we went to a pumpkin patch with as many grands as we could muster: Six loving adults and one happy toddler. We shared her just fine. It truly takes a village to raise a child, and I am very thankful to be part of that village.

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Sketcher25

Ok...well I thought I would give my thoughts...you are so right...there is no reason for jealousy because how could any parent not want the grandparents to love their child...

But here is where the reptile...a snake in this case spits venom....when a DIL sees that her children may lean more favorable to their husbands mother...that is a no-no.....in my case, I am the more fun grandmother...my grandchildren gravitate to me when around both grandparents....

My DIL hates it and likely me as well...and for this reason...she just backed off in our lives...our son basically goes with her flow...so we are grandparents with a lot of love to give but only when we initiate a time with them....my son only comes over with his family on a holiday or a meal is involved...but I have had some foot issues in the last couple of years...not as active...and just had surg. To correct these issues...no visit...DIL or son has not gone out for a card for the kids to send...nothing ever nevrr...

This got worse when DIL's mother left her husband and moved to the area...she used me for years as a babysitter...hated to see any attention her children gave me or me to them...she did not seem that interested in her own grandmother...so maybe that was the telltale sign of who she is..

While it takes a village, I am no village idiot...I know when I am being rejected....now my other DIL is expecting and I can tell it will be the same way...she knows how close my grandchildren were to me...she has a mother..she will protect her mothers best interest...I have decided to just let it be....

I am not going to put myself out there for anymore hurt...life is too short...and I am dealing with other issues in my own home to worry about someone elses....she is the most controlling person I have ever seen...she is even trying to control what people buy the baby for the baby shower tomorrow...which thankfully I am not attending..

I refuse to show up in a boit cast and crutches only 3 wks from surgery for this woman...its not the babys day yet...its still hers...I bought some great gifts for the baby, but was told that she told her own mother if she did not get the right item, she would take it back...

I even hesitate to give these items to her....for fear it will not be to her liking....never mind they are very nice items....this is just what my sons went out into the world and married...the total opposite of their mother....

    Bookmark   December 7, 2013 at 5:11PM
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Sketcher25

Ok...well I thought I would give my thoughts...you are so right...there is no reason for jealousy because how could any parent not want the grandparents to love their child...

But here is where the reptile...a snake in this case spits venom....when a DIL sees that her children may lean more favorable to their husbands mother...that is a no-no.....in my case, I am the more fun grandmother...my grandchildren gravitate to me when around both grandparents....

My DIL hates it and likely me as well...and for this reason...she just backed off in our lives...our son basically goes with her flow...so we are grandparents with a lot of love to give but only when we initiate a time with them....my son only comes over with his family on a holiday or a meal is involved...but I have had some foot issues in the last couple of years...not as active...and just had surg. To correct these issues...no visit...DIL or son has not gone out for a card for the kids to send...nothing ever nevrr...

This got worse when DIL's mother left her husband and moved to the area...she used me for years as a babysitter...hated to see any attention her children gave me or me to them...she did not seem that interested in her own grandmother...so maybe that was the telltale sign of who she is..

While it takes a village, I am no village idiot...I know when I am being rejected....now my other DIL is expecting and I can tell it will be the same way...she knows how close my grandchildren were to me...she has a mother..she will protect her mothers best interest...I have decided to just let it be....

I am not going to put myself out there for anymore hurt...life is too short...and I am dealing with other issues in my own home to worry about someone elses....she is the most controlling person I have ever seen...she is even trying to control what people buy the baby for the baby shower tomorrow...which thankfully I am not attending..

I refuse to show up in a boit cast and crutches only 3 wks from surgery for this woman...its not the babys day yet...its still hers...I bought some great gifts for the baby, but was told that she told her own mother if she did not get the right item, she would take it back...

I even hesitate to give these items to her....for fear it will not be to her liking....never mind they are very nice items....this is just what my sons went out into the world and married...the total opposite of their mother....

    Bookmark   December 7, 2013 at 5:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Sketcher25

Ok...well I thought I would give my thoughts...you are so right...there is no reason for jealousy because how could any parent not want the grandparents to love their child...

But here is where the reptile...a snake in this case spits venom....when a DIL sees that her children may lean more favorable to their husbands mother...that is a no-no.....in my case, I am the more fun grandmother...my grandchildren gravitate to me when around both grandparents....

My DIL hates it and likely me as well...and for this reason...she just backed off in our lives...our son basically goes with her flow...so we are grandparents with a lot of love to give but only when we initiate a time with them....my son only comes over with his family on a holiday or a meal is involved...but I have had some foot issues in the last couple of years...not as active...and just had surg. To correct these issues...no visit...DIL or son has not gone out for a card for the kids to send...nothing ever nevrr...

This got worse when DIL's mother left her husband and moved to the area...she used me for years as a babysitter...hated to see any attention her children gave me or me to them...she did not seem that interested in her own grandmother...so maybe that was the telltale sign of who she is..

While it takes a village, I am no village idiot...I know when I am being rejected....now my other DIL is expecting and I can tell it will be the same way...she knows how close my grandchildren were to me...she has a mother..she will protect her mothers best interest...I have decided to just let it be....

I am not going to put myself out there for anymore hurt...life is too short...and I am dealing with other issues in my own home to worry about someone elses....she is the most controlling person I have ever seen...she is even trying to control what people buy the baby for the baby shower tomorrow...which thankfully I am not attending..

I refuse to show up in a boit cast and crutches only 3 wks from surgery for this woman...its not the babys day yet...its still hers...I bought some great gifts for the baby, but was told that she told her own mother if she did not get the right item, she would take it back...

I even hesitate to give these items to her....for fear it will not be to her liking....never mind they are very nice items....this is just what my sons went out into the world and married...the total opposite of their mother....

    Bookmark   December 7, 2013 at 5:13PM
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