Thoughts about boundaries issues

elisa_z5November 15, 2013

It has been an incredible blessing, and a difficult challenge becoming a grand mother, and this site has been a tremendous help to me when I'm up at night ruminating. I've done loads of reading of threads on here, and am so grateful for all who have posted their wisdom.

I recently wrote down some thoughts, and am finally deciding to post them just in case they can do someone any good, the way all the posts I've read have helped me.

So, here's the first one:

Zip the lips and love the child

I became a grandmother twice in the past year and a half. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I think I'm finally getting the hang of this boundaries thing. It goes like this: I love these two babies in a way that I've never known love before. It is amazing, and wonderful. So, of course, I want the best for them. I know (or think I know) what I did right with my own children, and I believe that these two kids deserve all of that. I also know (or think I know) what I did wrong with my kids, and so it would be just perfect if all of that could be turned around for these new children.

In other words, what I'd like to order up is improved, perfect versions of me and my now ex-husband when we were new parents. I'm finally starting to understand just how utterly ridiculous that is.

They say that having a child is like wearing your heart outside of your body for the rest of your life. Well, then becoming a grandparent is like throwing your heart out into the universe, wide open with no lifeline attached. It is a challenge to one's faith.

It's SO hard to sit by and watch the parents make decisions that I believe are detrimental to the child -- and yet, if I interfere, what I stand to lose is the opportunity to have peaceful family visits and be part of the child's life.(I have learned this the hard way.)

But if I can meet the challenge of having complete faith that Someone or something much bigger than myself is taking care of these kids -- God, their guardian angels, a Higher Power, the goodness of the Universe . . ., then all I need to do is love. What a relief! What a joy. How simple. The details of upbringing are to be taken care of by the parents. I am not responsible!

And if I feel an opinion forming, a thought that comes from the part of me that thinks it knows how something should be done, I must let it go. By doing this, I also love my children and their spouses by showing them how much faith I have in them as parents, how proud I am of them, what a great job I think they're doing.

By doing this I also love myself by not burdening myself with thinking I need to be parenting all over again. I''m done with that, thank goodness. I'm GRAND parenting now. Which means all I have to do is zip my lips and love the child.

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suzieque

How lovely. Good for you!

    Bookmark   November 15, 2013 at 10:12AM
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elisa_z5

Thanks, suzieque --
The holidays are coming up -- the challenge is always to put into action what I have understood in my heart!

    Bookmark   November 16, 2013 at 10:37AM
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luvncannin

Thank you for this. As a first time granny I am learning the hard way. I will keep this motto close and hope for peaceful holidays .
Kim

    Bookmark   November 18, 2013 at 8:19PM
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Sketcher25

Zipped up lips are fine if your GC are being well cared for...no harm can come, etc...but never stand by knowing something could harm that child...

When you say "detrimental" ...it conjures up thoughts of really bad things...so be very clear on that .... h#$$ be GD if I am going to zip my lips to abuses or neglectfulness...not with my GC or yours either if I witnessed it....

    Bookmark   December 10, 2013 at 3:54PM
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elisa_z5

Sketcher25 -- yes! thank you for adding that very important caveat. If Child Protective Services should be called, that is no time to remain silent. Pick up the phone!

My own grandmother used to threaten to hit mothers--total strangers--whom she saw hitting their children. She was about 4' 10". It was embarrassing for me as a kid, but now in retrospect I admire her chutzpah. She never ended up hitting anyone, and it *always* stopped the beating.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2013 at 3:16PM
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