My 28 yr. old daughter, divorced twice, two kids with each husband has not listened to our advice for the past 10 years. 1st marriage lasted 3 yr., she lived with us for 9 mo. & before the divorce was final, she was dating an old boyfriend. Immediately after the divorce was final, she got remarried, against our advice. 4 yr. later, after depending on their Church and state aid most the time, she kicked him out. Throughout both marriages, it was one crises after another & we bailed her out of financial problems constantly. We went thru our entire savings of $15000. She didn't listen to anything we told her, financially or any other advise. She started drinking and sleeping around. Between the emotional abuse, yelling at us and the disrespect she shows us, she has pretty much sucked us dry. Our 1st concern is the children-because she had made such a mess of her life, she sent the 2 girls (7 yr. & 8 yr.) to live with their dad in Idaho (we live in UT) & his wife, which we trust completely. They visit every 2 weeks (we pay for her gas to get them - she is now unemployed). 2 wks. ago, she & the 2 boys (2 yr. & 4 yr.) moved in with us because she lost her apt. She is impossible! Last week, while my husband was working, she dropped the "F" bomb. She knows how that upsets me & I told her she was not allowed to talk that way in our house. She argued, was beligerent & disrespectful. I was at my wits' end. I picked up the 1st thing on the counter, a plastic back massager, and threw it across the room. I can honestly say that I was not throwing it at her. I am a calm person, do not lose my temper often, but she was out of control and I lost it. Just as I threw it, she stomped across the room & it hit her on her arm. I apologized, she was beligerent & I told her we'd talk later & went downstairs to watch TV. She went outside, I thought to cool off, and 10 min. later, I went out to check on her because it was cold out. She was in her van (which we bought for her $500 & registered & licensed it because her previous van broke down & she needed a vehicle to get to work)talking on her cell. After a few min., which I stayed totally calm, I talked her into coming back in the house so we could talk. We had what I thought was a good conversation & felt good about it. She wasn't making enough money to live on so we were supplementing her income by buying her gas. She came in late 2 nights ago & it was a fiasco (her kids were exhausted), with screaming, etc. After the kids were asleep, we told her while she lives with us, she needs to have the kids on a regular schedule & during the week, they need to be in bed at their regular time (8 p.m.) so we can all relax. The next day, she was fired for all of her tardiness. I began helping her find jobs on the internet to apply for. That night, she was at a friend's house - I called her at 8:30 p.m. & she said she'd be home around 10:30 or so - I told her to get her butt & her kids home. She was angry, beligerant, but came home & again it was another fiasco. But once the kids were asleep, again we talked & made plans to help her find another good job. (her previous one was at a call center - poor pay & hours, etc.) When her dad informed her that because we are paying for her gas, she pays no rent, and we are paying for a storage rental for her belongings, we would not be paying her cell phone. She went balistic! At 1st we thought it was cuz she was worried about her daughters not being able to reach her. We have a house phone & told her she can use our cell phones to call them any evening. But then she told us,in a panic mode, it was her life line & she would be trapped in the house without it! Angrily, she took her laptop upstairs and claimed she was applying for jobs. I went upstairs for something & she was rude, & threatened (for the 4th or 5th time) that if we didn't want her here, she could go to the women's shelter or move in with her friend Ryan. I told her I was tired of being threatened & if she wanted to move, then go. She then informed me that she had filed an assault with the police he week prior because of the massager I had thrown & it had hit her. She also told me I should be grateful cuz she told the deputy not to talk to me. It was just like the phone incident-she totally changed her demeaner and was downright mean when she told me this, as if she was a different person completely. When her dad heard this, he told her in no uncertain terms that she was to leave the next day. We talked about it in private & decided, for the kids' sake, she could stay, but on our terms - I didn't want to talk to her for a few days & she had to follow our rules, etc. So her dad went upstairs & told her this. About 15 min. later, we went to bed and so did she, we thought. A little bit later (it was around midnight by then), we heard a noise & my husband checked in the living room. She was packing 2 suitcases. He asked her what she was doing - he was totally calm. She muttered that everyone was so upset, they were going to stay with Ryan. He told her it didn't make sense cuz he already said they could stay & we were almost asleep & the boys were sleeping. She insisted they were leaving so he said, "Fine." and came to bed. A few min. later, we heard a man's voice & my husband went out to check & in the hallway was a policeman. He asked if Ryan lived there & my husband told him no. Apparently, our daughter had contacted this Ryan guy & told her that she felt "threatened" & I was trying to take her kids away! I had told her earlier that I couldn't believe how cruel she could be to the family & she was beligerent again & reminded me of the police report. I told her that if I wanted to, I could prove her an unfit mother (she had confessed that she spanked her 4 yr. old son with a fan blade when she was living with her boyfriend but felt very badly about it) - not just cuz of the blade thing but throughout the past yr., the welfare agency had done a check on her cuz the elementary school was concerned because her girls had missed so much school. (sometimes they were actually sick -they were sick a lot, her house was always a total disaster, totally filthy & unsanitary) Also, she had no home, had put the kids with people who were not safe people while she went out on dates. (we found out about all of this after the fact) I told her, "If I wanted to take the kids away, I could. So she should be grateful that I didn't go to the police." So, this policeman walked into our home cuz she had left the door wide open while she went downstairs to get both her sons, in the middle of the night, and leave. The policeman was totally confused - he had walked into a silent home, we were in bed almost asleep & Ryan had called in a "domestic dispute". The policeman asked my husband what was going on & he told him we had had an argument earlier, told her she had to leave the next day but then decided because of the boys, they could stay. The policeman was totally baffled. My husband said, "I don't understand her thought process." The policeman's response was, "There doesn't seem to be much thought process going on." as he watched our daughter carry her son to the car. He shook my husband's hand & apologized for disturbing us. We have never ever had any problems legally, have never abused our children, are responsible hard working people & something like this happening was a shock. It is obvious to everyone, including the police, that our daughter has some mental and/or emotional problems. This is why we have allowed her to live with us, we thought we could help. But I know now that we have been enablers. My concern is our grandsons. We have always had a very close relationship with all our grandkids-we have been their only constant in their short, tumultous lives. Then today, we both received a text, written as if in business form, asking if they could move back in because "my son's welfare is my main concern and I am sure it is to you as well". She is manipulating us again - we have spent all of our savings bailing her out over the years, our health has gone down hill & she is using the kids as leverage, once again. Everyone I have talked to (a good friend at work, my sisters, even her cousins) think we should not allow her back. I just don't think we can live with her - I don't trust her at all and because of her, I have had 3 bouts of hives which I haven't had in over 3 yrs. This requires me to take large amounts of benedryl and sometimes use an epi-pen and/or go to the emergency room. If it wasn't for our grandsons, I would just tell her to get out & fend for herself, but I am so wrried about the boys. I know the YWCA has a 30 day program (I checked online today) for no fee where she & her boys could stay, if there is room. She has managed to suck us dry in every way, she has alienated her extended family, lost her daughters to her 1st husband, alienated friends who have bailed her out over the yrs. I just don't think I can take any more. She is still my daughter & I love he but she is very cruel & lies to us. I found out today, from her cousin, that she was sleeping with the 2 men (brothers) she was living with before moving in with us. She had told her cousin that it was "funny" because neither of them knew what was going on with the other one. She had told us they were all just room mates & they had cruelly decided to kick her out. All this time, I was thinking she had changed - that the 2 men were the cruel ones. But apparently, once they found out what was going on, they told her to get out. The boys' dad is living with his mom, just started a CNA course & I don't think he would step up & take care of his kids full-time but I'm not sure about that. It is depressing & heart breaking to find out that our daughter has been lying to us for so long -we found out that there was other things she's lied about. She is manipulative, disrespectful, ungrateful - everything that her brother who is 8 yr. younger is not. The entire family thinks she has a mental problem, which I agree. And in my mind I know it would be best for everyone for her to move into the YWCA or some place like it. Maybe it is exactly what she needs to kick her into gear & make a turn around. But I am so worried about our grandsons! I apologize for this being so long - it is so complicated & there is so much more to all of this, but I am at the end of my rope & so is my husband. I cry when I see the few things she left here (dirty clothes, some of the boys' favorite videos, etc.) cuz I don't want to be cut off from our grandsons & I am worried for their welfare. My sister pointed out that what they have been going through for the past few years is worse than staying at the YWCA. Please - you are all grandmas, please let me know what you think. I need some opinions and suggestions. Thank you.