I have shared here before with the loss of both of my younger brothers and I got some great advice and comfort, so after this weekend....I just knew that I had to come back and ask for your advice on this. My good friend is having a hard time and I don't know what to do or how to help her.
Carol lost her hubby a year ago January 8th. They had been together since they both were in their teens ....23 years I think it was.
She had a party this past Saturday for Mike's friends....so we could all get together again and remember the good times. She called me and asked me to be there and to spend the night with her. (I spent the night last year....when he first passed away as she had never been alone and she wanted me there)
When she asked me, she told me that she was going to get drunk and she needed me there to watch out for her and " roll her down the driveway and put her to bed" (She lives in an apt and the party was in the community yard)
First of all, Carol doesn't drink. I found that an unusual request but I figured whatever makes her feel comfortable and get her through this hard day....I am her friend and I will do whatever she needs.
When I first walked into her apartment I did let out an audible gasp! I didn't mean to but I was so shocked. There were literally piles of stuff everywhere. You could hardly walk without stepping on something or tripping.
Now neither Carol or I have immaculate homes. They were always comfortable and clean....but lived in. This was not Carol!
Both sides of the bed had piles of stuff so in order to go to bed, you had to crawl up from the bottom while also climbing over stuff.
The kitchen , which is small, had crap everywhere. Cereal boxes on her stove, bags, trash, tupperware lids on the floor. I wanted to just cry at the sight of it.
Carol is very strong and she puts up a good front.....but when you see how it really is .....it's heartbreaking. We talk on the phone a lot but I hadn't been over in a few months......she is not doing well.
She almost died a couple of years ago from Pancreatitis. She was in the hospital for two weeks.....9 days in ICU. Mike and I took turns being there. She is having problems with that again and will not go to the doctor. The last time she went they were trying to tell her that she needed to stop and go on with her life. The doctors were also trying to get her to a therapist. She will have none of it.....so she stopped going. This could kill her!
In her home she has one wall with a huge picture of Mike and angels everywhere. She has his ashes in a chest underneath this shrine......and in a locket around her neck. I got up in the middle of the night Saturday and she was laying on the living room floor....holding Mike (ashes). She had a pillow and a blanket and she just wanted to sleep with him. I told her to come to bed....she needed to sleep.....and to bring him if she wished and put him in the headboard. (she was afraid he would fall off of the bed) That way she could still touch him but get some rest. She drank until 3:00 am and I was so glad that she wasn't ill.......but I was sooo tired.... it was do what makes you feel comfortable....but get to bed and get some rest.
I don't know how to help her. We are like sisters....I've offered to help her get her house in order......go to the doctors with her.....come over weekly.....
All of that just seems like a bandaid though.....HOW DO I HELP HER?
Does anyone out there have any advice that can get her through this? She needs to go on....but obviously can't. After I lost my last brother...I was put on Zoloft and that helped me immensely. She will have no part of that.
What can I do????
My heart is breaking for her.......