21yrs old + struggling w/ loss of both parents

heather2234January 29, 2010

I decided to post something on here because I'm having a hard time with the loss of my parents and it feels like i have no one to talk to that listens and understands what i'm going through...not even my brothers which is part of the reason i've been really struggling lately. i'm 21 years and i feel so cheated out of a happy life. i've lost both my parents and very tragically at that. when i was 3 my dad got hit in the head with a softball while playing in a tournament, i was there i watched it happen its one of my earliest memories in life, he went into a coma and 3 days later my mom chose to stop the life support because he would never recover, not even close, he was only 32 years old. my mom was only 27 when it happened and had 3 of us kids to take care of, an 8 yr old a 7 yr old and me being 3. my mom never remarried and gave her whole life to me and my brothers, she was a stay at home home and showed me the world, not traveling, but the little things in life, to take time to look at the sky to watch a sunset to experience everything i could in this short life, i was her only daughter and the youngest at that, she was my best friend i was her spoiled little baby, she was my ccd teacher my girl scout leader, the pto president at my school, she was amazing and gave her whole life to me and my brothers, she was so strong and never needed help from anyone, i felt cheated that my dad died when i was so young but i felt gods way of making up for it was giving me a mom that was my everything and that she'd always be here, well my mom also passed away, about a year and a half ago when i was 19. she was alone one night and choked on the food she was eating and no one was there to help her, i feel like i should have been there i was always with her we were attached at the hip, the night she died i had to be admitted into the hospital because i was so distraught, i miss her more than words can say and id rather die myself to be with here than have to make it through this life alone. i cry every day more than once and almost never smile, everyone tells me it will get easier but every day gets harder and harder, i would give anything to have her back for one more minute and to say i love you one more time. my heart is broken into a million pieces and i know it can never be put back together. i still cant believe shes gone, theyre both gone and ill never have them back my dad was only 32 and my mom was only 44 and they were both healthy not a single health problem, they were cheated out of lives they both deserved and now im cheated out of parents that i so desperately need im only 21 im still a child in terms of needing parents, but yet im an orphan i have no one left, all i have is 2 older brothers who arent there for me. they loved my mom, but not liked i did they dont understand how hard it is for me. I always heard stories about someone passing away and money tearing the rest of the family apart and i thought it was absurd, well now thats my life, all my brothers care about is my parents money and its tearing all 3 of us apart, they're all i have left its just us 3 and they're apparently willing to throw everything away for the right price, and my mom raised us better than that, she would be so heartbroken to know money is tearing her children apart, i'm just so at a loss of what to do and where to turn, i need my family and i feel like i have no one, im just wondering if anyone has gone or is going through anything like this and has any suggestions or ideas for me to get some what of a life back? thank you for anyone who took the time to read this, Heather.

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Heather, I popped on this forum because today is the 4th anniversary of my mom's passing. Even though my mom was 68, not 44 I still feel like I woke up in a bad dream. Yeah, people try to help and say that things will get easier. I'm not so sure about that. Time has a way of putting a scab over the open wound....but that hurt and loss is always just under the surface.

Please help yourself. Find someone you can talk with. Go to your church if you have one and ask to speak with a grief counselor. Talking and crying with somebody trained and is outside of your family unit will help you. You are too young to throw everything away. I know you miss your dad and your mom. But you know in your heart that they would not want you miserable for the rest of your life. Nothing, not even death can destroy love. Love is in your heart....your love for you mom and her love for you. I wish I could do something to make everything okay, but God's plan is something we can't understand while we are on this rock called Earth. Please check in and let us know how you are doing. You have people who care about you.


    Bookmark   January 30, 2010 at 11:00AM
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Dear Heather, I am so terribly sorry for all that you are going through. I wish there was something that I could say that would make your pain go away, but I can't. You did do the right thing in reaching out to someone beyond your brothers to talk about what you are feeling. I can tell you from experience of my own that holding all this inside and trying to carry it alone works like a poison on your mind, body and spirit.

I won't pretend to know how you are feeling, but I can tell you some of my life has been similar to yours.

I was as close to my mom as you were to yours. She was a stay at home mother and she took good care of my 2 brothers, one sister and I just as your mom did. Our dad left when we were kids and there was just mom. A few years after he left she got sick and I became her caregiver. I got little help from my family. It took her years of misery before she passed. We are coming up on the 3rd year anniversary of her death. I still miss her so much. There are certain things we did together that still hurt to do without her. The pain is still there, but it is slowly changing in how it effects me. Time, talking through the pain and just putting one step in front of another and faith is what has gotten me through it.

My Grandmother died before my mom and what you are going through with your brothers is what happened between my father, my Aunt and Uncle and it tore our family apart. The children of my Uncle haven't spoken to each other for years. The hatred they feel for each other is incredible. Did your mom leave a will? Maybe a lawyer could act as a meditator. It must feel really helpless to watch and be apart of what is happening between the 3 of you. Don't let yourself be drawn into their fighting, when you must be involved be the voice of reason. If they won't listen, then they won't, but at least you can feel that you tried. You can't control another persons behavior, but SOMETIMES you can persuade. I still think it would be better for your own sake to get a lawyer or mediator.

As far as getting your life back, as hard as it may be to hear, you are the only one that can make it happen. You have to get to a place where you are ready to TAKE it back. Talk, talk, talk. Whether it is here, to your doctor, a councilor, whomever. Just get what you are feeling out. I believe you cannot move on with your life until you deal with the past.

As far as your feeling that you should have been there for her that night. Please don't take that guilt on to yourself. There are so many things in this life that we have no control over and that for you was one of them. There is just so much in life that is not fair, that just shouldn't be, but it is what it is.

My prayers are with you.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2010 at 12:18PM
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Amen to what Duane said.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2010 at 12:26PM
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Heather, I'm not going to say I know how you feel since I'm not in your shoes. But I do want to commend you on being a very strong person. Even the strongest of people have grief over the loss of those close to us. Don't be afraid to acknowledge it and let the grief run its course.

I can say I do know that there are a lot of people motivated by money and that is very sad. I'm going through a situation right now with my Dad's estate. (My mother died when I was 21.) I am constantly amazed at what people will do for a few dollars. I don't know your situation but contact someone to help you so the greedy don't take advantage of you. You're in a tough situation right now and thinking about an estate is not something you want to do, but all I suggest is be careful.

Take time to yourself. Think about the good times. Think about the happy times. Think about the times that were so funny, silly and otherwise that you can't stop laughing. Laughter, joy and the like are not bad simply because you've lost someone close. They are with you and share your happiness. They're with you and want you to be happy. Stop back and chat with people here. Check out some other forums. Follow up on hobbies. Read, watch TV, listen to music, or whatever hobbies you may have. Keep yourself occupied and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it, or for someone to talk to if you need it. Sometimes it's not a situation where you want to talk about your loss but just to get your mind off it for a bit.

It's truly difficult to understand when people say "things will get better". Just have faith that it will. We don't know when though. But again, you have an inner strength that will be a big help to you.

My best thoughts to you. Don't hesitate to post, write or something. There's people around who truly care.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2010 at 7:37PM
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Heather, that's such a lot for anyone to deal with, yet alone someone so young. I'm sorry you have to go through it. Everyone gave you good advice, especially Cynic. Please get someone to help you deal with the estate. Ask friends' parents or your aunts and uncles for recommendations for a lawyer, or call your local bar association. Most lawyers will give you a free consultation - just ask when you call.

One thing I always try to remember is that emotions are temporary. You may feel awful for a long time, but you won't feel awful forever. It *will* get better, though, as Cynic says, we don't know when. I also agree with Cynic to let yourself laugh and feel joy - that's a tribute to your parents, it's what they would want for you. (If you feel that you are never able to laugh anymore, please see a doctor. You may be clinically depressed, and a doctor can *really* help with that, as I know from experience.)

I agree that you need to talk to people. In person is best, but this is a site that really helped my sister when she was grieving for our mother. You might try it.

Take care of yourself, and do post again if you feel like it.

Here is a link that might be useful: Griefnet.org

    Bookmark   February 18, 2010 at 12:45PM
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I had an experience that was so real. I wanted to share it with you in hopes that it will help you with your loss. I know how hard it is to be here without your mother. My pain is great too but I was comforted by God. Here's what happened:

I loved my mother so much. I was an only daughter so she was my mom, my sister, and my best friend. One day she was in the hospital, she had emphysema and I knew that she did not have much longer to live. I remember standing in the shower and saying prayers for her to get well. I live 400 miles away from her and could not be at her side. At the very moment that my prayer ended I received a reply. The response came to me first from my heart and then to my head. It said, "Why all the prayers if you do not go see the person?"

At that moment I had greater wisdom then so many in my position. I ran from the shower dripping in a towel and hugged my husband in tears. I told him I have to go, my mom is sick. I have to spend as much time with her as I can. He said go. Be with your mom. I quit my job so I could spend as much time as possible with her. From that point forward I had four wonderful years with her helping to ease her pain and fear before she passed.

And my story does not end there....

My mother did finally pass and of course I was devastated and beyond grief. I cried a solid two years. My heart would not heal. At night I would dream of her. She would be sick and I would be there praying for her to make it though it but she didn't and when I awoke, I knew the dream was for real. I had a very, very hard time moving on. I could not stop crying. Hardly for a moment. My face was raw from the salt of my tears.

And then again one night I was having another nightmare dream about her. I remember sobbing in the dream. But this time a young man in a suit came a placed his hand on my shoulder. At that moment I felt safe and I just knew that he was an angel. I knew it was okay to go with him and I did. We began to walk and he spoke to me. I will never forget his words, "You have no idea how fortunate you are. You are going to have the opportunity to sit down and meet with God. So many people would love to have this chance that you are going to get. God wants to speak to you about your Mother. You are suppose to share this with others and he knows that you will."

Then we reached a room and he said, "This is not how it is, we have created this for your benefit. God will come in and he will look like an ordinary man." In this room was a big desk with a chair in front of it. I felt like I was in a job interview. I sat in the chair and I waited for a moment.

A tall dark haired man came into the room. I could not tell you all his features just that he was wearing a very nice suit and tie and he had big loving eyes. He knew my name reached across the desk to shake my hand and said, "Hello Nicole. How are you?" I must have squeaked a hello and a okay. Then I saw his big brown eyes. These eyes gave me a feeling of intense love. They seemed to look into my heart and shoot safe and soothing feelings at me. And he said this to me....

"Nicole, I want you to know your Mom is okay. She's not alone. She's with me and she's happy. It's okay, she's not alone." He seemed to know that a huge part of my grief was that I was separated from her and I didn't want her to be alone without the family. I knew that was a big part of my grief. He kept stressing that she was with him and not alone. Then he said, "She's happy, she's not sick anymore and she can breathe." I was sobbing at this point just sitting in that chair. I could hardly look at him. Then he asked, "Would you like to see her one more time?"

"Oh, yes, please, yes, yes, yes!" was my answer.

"Okay, we're going to set that up for you." and he called the angel back into the room. He told the angel, "We're going to go ahead and set it up for her to see her mom. Go ahead and take her to the room for her to see her."

I was brought to a big room. It was lowly lit with chairs all the way around the room like a reception room at a doctor's office. There was a door across the room and through that door came my mom! She didn't look sick anymore. She looked like she did back in the 1970's. She was so pretty. She ran over to the chair next to mine and hugged and kissed me. I could smell her hair. I hugged her neck and kissed that favorite spot on her temple. I loved her so much. I told her that over and over. She told me she loved me too. The she spoke sharply to me, "Stop worrying about me. I'm okay. I'm not alone. You have a whole life ahead of you and a wonderful husband. Go back and be a good wife to him. Be happy again!" She was kind of mad at me. All I could say was that I knew she was right. Then she said she had to go back and I have to go back. I said okay. She got up and went back through her door and as she did, I turned and went back through my door.

As soon as I passed though my door. I could see my body sleeping in the bed. I sped like a bullet to it and as soon as I hit my body I woke up. Then I went back to sleep and the whole dream came back to me the next morning.

I hope this will help others with their grief. I have more to share if you think it might help. I don't know why I was chosen for this, I am an ordinary woman and not so perfect and good. I have sins too. But I do seem to have a special connection and I know that I am blessed.

Respectfully submitted,

    Bookmark   February 19, 2010 at 11:18AM
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