honored mom!

casey04January 31, 2005

hello everyone! just found this site today, glad i did. i lost my only son, casey,age 16 back in july, due to an automobile accident. casey and four of his friends had gone to a county fair. on their way home, driver lost control, hit a tree..., three died. needless to say, the days have been long! i prayed many times that god would take me away from this life .i couldnt imagine how any parent could function normally after such a loss.this child was my life! blonde hair, blue eyed and wore a halo in my eyes! he was 6'4, 250lbs.., that makes me proud..he was such a big strong boy, im only 5'3. anyway, i started asking god a lot of questions and i wanted answers.., big talk huh? but, things started looking a little different to me..., i was reminded that god had loaned me a child of his! of all the mothers god could have chosen.., he chose ME! what an honor! he trusted me enough to care for that child while he was on earth. i then started asking god why i had been so blessed... after watching videos, i realized that casey had hit a tree when he was two, i had forgotten about it! he had knocked our jeep out of gear and on the video my now deceased dad said.."this tree just saved my grandsons life" and it was then i realized that a tree had saved that childs life TWICE! again, days are long,i cry everyday! i will never get over this loss! i realize that i wont ever be mother or a grandmother.., thats tough! i wont see high school graduation..but i do have to thank god for helping me to see things differently. i hope ive helped someone to take another look. it would be so easy to be angry and upset, then people would understand why i cry in the isle at wal mart for no reason. this has broken me, humbled me, forced me to seek peace. i thank god that he was there when i asked for him! just thank god for having been honored with our loved ones presence! imagine if we had not known them...good luck to all, ill continue to pray for peace, every morning over my coffee. one day at a time and we are allowed bad days.., actually i think we have to respectfully take them!

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What a crushing loss, Casey. I'm so very sorry. As a mother of sons, my heart aches for you. Take care, and do share your feelings here.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2005 at 11:44PM
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Casey, I am so sorry for the loss of your young son. My 30 year old son is dying of cancer and I know that the grief I am feeling now is only part of what I will feel before too long and I hope I can find the courage shown by you and so many other mothers here. It must be incredibly hard, overwhelming at times.
My son is also blue eyed, blond haired (now bald from treatments), 6ft 4inches and was 110kg which I think is about the same as your boy. I am 5ft 4ins and I know that I have never lost the sense of amazement that this big beautiful man came from me and my 5ft 6ins husband. I just know how you felt about your lovely blond giant. I have always felt like the backyard chicken that had hatched an eagle.(((Casey))), Elspeth

    Bookmark   February 5, 2005 at 9:53AM
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dear ejp773, im so sorry to hear of your sons illness! i cant imagine how hard it must be to watch your baby die! i just beleive that there are so many lessons to be learned from our babies. we must remember that god sends these angels to us so that gods work can be done. as i said before, we are just the caregivers. thank god that he has enough faith in us that we were given this opportunity! my heart has softened so much since the accident. i have, thru much prayer, learned to look at things differently. a few months back, my mom broke her kneecap. i understood she was in a lot of pain and the incision looked aweful! i heard her crying one morning and asked her what she needed. she started telling me how she would have that ugly scar and boo..hoo.., what if they have to amputate her leg due to the blood clot..as i told her, god made you so well, that if they amputate, guess what, you have another leg, god gave you a backup! as for a scar, i told her how i felt about that, not vey nice. i would have given anything to see my casy ray come home, scarred, wheelchair, didnt matter! just to have him in my life! though she wanted sympathy, she did appreciate how fortunate she was and still remembers that conversation. so, we all have to find a place in us that we can live and please god. we cant let our losses or hardships, thru our sufferings, be in vain. we have to follow thru with gods will.., i know its not easy! but god had a plan long before he even created us! shucks, i dont even have a plan for tomorrow! so, hang in, be strong, patient, willing and appreciative for the wonderful teacher that god has placed in your care! you never know the lives that you both may change! so what that you now have a "bald eagle"..,just be like a sponge, absorb all that you can from that baby! everyday..., i just wish i could smell my son one more time! i always loved the way he smelled in the mornings. that started when he was an infant and never changed (well, of course his smell did, teenager can equal billy goat). just make the most of your times together! take care and ill be praying for yall...

    Bookmark   February 5, 2005 at 11:40AM
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I'm sorry to hear about your loss too. My son died in June as result of a tragic accident just a couple weeks before his 4th birthday so I understand how you are feeling. I'm glad to hear that you have a different perspective on what has happened. I do have bad days too but I realize I will see my son again & when that times comes it will be forever. I just miss seeing his smile & hearing his laugh & telling me he loves me. Even though I know he's with me in my heart all the time.You will be in my thoughts & prayers..Stay strong.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2005 at 2:40PM
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hi brycesmommy, im so sorry that you lost your son so early. of course
they'll be with us forever. i love knowing that im with casey more now than
before. he never leaves me now. i find that i dont panic when i hear an
ambulance as i did when he was alive. i know thats he's with god and safe!
as a 16 ry old, i was terrified everytime he pulled out of the drive! sure
we'll all have bad days, but thats ok! we are human! one would have to
question us if we didnt have these days in which to fall apart. as for me, i
call them a pity party and i tell my friends that they are not invited! i
wouldnt want anyone to have to go down with me. so, do whatever it is to get
you thru the day. just remember to take care of yourself! ill keep you in my

    Bookmark   February 5, 2005 at 9:01PM
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Hi Casey04, What keeps me going everyday is knowing I'll see Bryce again one day & feeling him with me all the time helps too. Even though I can't see or touch him physically, I know he's here with me & wouldn't want to see me sad. I know what you mean about not worrying as much now because we know our children couldn't be in a better place then they are now. I'm very sorry about you losing your son at a young age too. I know it's very hard knowing we won't see them go through the important things we look forward to our children going through in their life. Bryce was our only son too..A very special boy..I bet your son was very special too. If you have a picture I'm sure everyone would love to see & I can put one up of Bryce if I could figure out how to do it.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2005 at 2:48AM
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thats a great idea! well, hmmm.., this figuring it out could take me awhile. ill be working on it this am.you be working on bryces picture to,okay?

    Bookmark   February 6, 2005 at 8:48AM
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Casey, you have both my sympathy and my admiration. We all have reason to feel hugely honored, and you were able to see this so soon after your loss. I know what you mean about your son being with you all the time now. I feel the same about my daughter Jill, although that doesn't stop me from missing her terribly, and often acutely.

If any of you don't know how to post a photo, those of us who do can try to explain...or if you can email a picture maybe we can do it that way.


    Bookmark   February 7, 2005 at 9:00PM
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