It isn't just his death

NitePatrolJanuary 16, 2012

I am grieving the loss of my husband of 37 years. He died from pancreatic cancer on December 14th 2011. He had been fighting this cancer for two years. In May he was between treatments (getting a scan that week instead) so that he felt pretty good. He went out for a motocycle ride on a beautiful spring day here in Florida. He was hit in our own neighborhood only going 15 miles an hour by a boy in a Dodge Ram truck who was on his cell phone driving on the wrong side of the road around a curve. His left leg was shattered, 3 1/2 weeks in the hospital and no weight bearing for over 3 months. Have you ever seen anyone hobbling to the toilet with a walker so that he can throw up from chemo treatments? The suffering of my poor husband was absolutely horrific. Through the entire thing he never became bitter or angry, never moaned or cried out, and told the boy that it was "just an accident". The cancer eventually spread to his bone (hips), spine and brain. Again because it spread to the bone, the suffering was horrible. So while I am grieving from his loss I am also finding that it is hard for me to think of those days after the accident, and it is the suffering that I know he endured that is killing me little by little. It is too much to bear and I feel like my chest is bleeding. I had my first therapy sesson Saturday so I don't know if it will help, or if that is why I am so stirred up tonight. I take Busiprone for anxiety and that does help. I forgot to mention that my brothers wife also died of breast cancer that had spread to the brain on November 5th 2011. My brother and I cannot believe that we lost our spouses within 6 weeks of each other. He only lives 12 doors down. I am just so upset tonight, walking the floor crying and asking for answers. I recently read that to love someone is to agree to die twice. We outlive nothing! I didn't want to call family so I am reaching out to your forum in order to try and calm down. Anyway, that is my story.

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I am so sorry for your loss. The term "adding insult to injury" comes to mind when I read your post. Not only was your husband fighting for his life, he was injured by a careless driver.
I haven't lost my husband but I lost my son and my little sister within 5 months of each other. Death seems so senseless sometimes. My aunt died Saturday and it was expected and really we can say she is in a better place, even though we grieve for our loss.
I am glad that Busiprone is helping you. It made me feel like I drank 3 pots of coffee and I don't do caffeine! I am finally on Prozac and don't feel a difference in my mood. My son has been gone 6 months today and I still cry everyday and miss him more as each day passes.
From all the reading I have done, and talking to people who have suffered the loss of loved ones we will never get over our loss but we can learn to live without them. We have to find what people call our "new normal", whatever that is.
Use your therapy to get out all of your anxiety and emotions so you can hopefully identify what it is you need to do to move forward.
My deepest sympathy to you and your brother. We are all in this grief process together whether we know each other or not. I hope you find peace.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2012 at 9:57PM
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I am so sorry for the stunning losses you've both had.

Nobody "should" have to go through this kind of sustained shock & grief & pain, & it isn't fair & it isn't right & it truly stinks.

I always go back to the old rule of thumb that, when you've had a great loss or shock or injury, you should give yourself at least a year before you make any big changes, & before you expect yourself to function like you did before the shock;
if you'd been knocked off a 10-story building, you wouldn't expect to hop up & run a mile or write a revolutionary novel, & this is much more devastating than getting knocked off a 10-story building.

I'm sending both of you good golden energy for healing, & I'd encourage you to plant rosemary "for remembrance" someplace where you'll brush against it often.

It's evergreen, so you'll remember that life is eternal, & when you smell its clean pine-like "Christmasy" fragrance, remember joyous times, remember how lucky you were to have had your loved ones in your lives.

I wish you both the very best.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2012 at 5:39PM
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It really does stink.
Lost loved ones carry our memories inside them. While we have them we remind each other of all the "little" things and feelings that most others don't know. They are the ones that know us best and love us anyway.

Surely, they still do. I hope that we will see them again and be all together.

Imagine, a place where Love rules! How Amazing! A place where love is the fuel to continued growth, learning and understanding. Dynamic in nature and ever changing expect for the root, which is Love.

I keep trying to wrap my mind around the idea of it.

If a little worm were to crawl out of the ground from under the roots and see that world of sunshine, flowers, trees and blue skies and then went back, how would it explain it.
The other worms would have not concept to fit the description.

So it must also be with Heaven.

I guess we will all have to just wait and see.


    Bookmark   February 1, 2012 at 8:32PM
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Oh Night Patrol, I just read your post and I am SO sorry for the loss of your DH. I lost my first one in 1975 from a driver who ran a stop sign and killed my beloved.

My second DH's death is very fresh for me...he passed away on New Year's Eve at one minute before midnight...he needed a quadruple by-pass, but had pneumonia and his old heart just could not take it any longer.

So I do know what you mean when you say that a part of us die with them~~~but we are left now and we are alive, so I am trying to remember that....and I know again, in the not too distant future, I will see them both again.

I am also having stress...probably trying to handle too many things at once, but it does help to occupy my mind. I am in the process of trying to sell this huge house, move nearer my family, and buying/or building there. This is not a decision that I am making too quickly...we both wanted to move to a smaller house and town for several years...and it is something he even talked about doing on our way to the hospital before he was admitted.

I pray that you are finding some peace, even if only for short times.....and as I keep thinking...these very dark clouds won't last forever, in time, we will see glimpes of sunshine in our lives again....never to forget, but to heal.

Blessings to you...from someone who is where you are also.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2012 at 3:22PM
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Hi NitePatrol: I'm so sorry of your loss to a careless driver. Do I hate it when people drive and use the cell phone! The worse drivers are the ones with cell phones on their ears.

Early death of a husband will happen to all of us. Statistics showed that women outlive men by 7 years. I'm so sad by your grief, NitePatrol, and the only thing that I can say to myself if the same happens to me is, "Be a force of love, so that I can join my husband in heaven."

For any loss, there is a gain, if we reach out for it. glad that you reach out, because there are many of us who care and feel for what you are going through. The best I can say is, "NitePatrol, find a gain through this loss. There are many ways: care and provide for yourself, and give yourself what your husband would want to give you right now."
We can get through Anything in life if there is a reason behind it. In this senseless situation of life taken away by a boy and his cell phone, it's really hard to find a reason. But there is one: "to be a force of love, gain, and positiveness despite the carelessness, loss, and negativeness of life."

NitePatrol: You can't let "Badness" win, you have to overcome it with the goodness inside you to go on loving, and doing good to yourself, no matter how much "Badness" destroyed you. "Badness" here is careless driving, be it drunken, or talking on cell phone. I'm behind you 100%.

There's a book, "Hellow from Heaven" which will comfort you. I did an extensive research on Near-Death-Experiences after the deaths of my brother and father. One NDE said, "our sorrow and pain in life is like a grain of sand in the vastness of incredible joy and happiness in heaven" Yes, it's a grain of sand - best to brush it off, and focus on the ocean of relief in heaven where your husband resides. The past only hurts us if we hang on to it.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2012 at 11:51AM
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The book "Hello from Heaven" is about real-life messages given by the departed ones to their hurting loved ones left behind. NitePatrol, your husband's death is very recent, Dec. 14, 2011. You are still digesting the trauma. It's normal to feel sad. Here are a few verses posted on the Christian Forum, I hope it helps:

Psalm 30:5 Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 71:20-21 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 10:06AM
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How are things going for you now? I lost my husband 13 months ago and its still so painful, I hit another big bump in the road when I lost my job last week. I just don't know what to do now.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2012 at 9:35AM
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Hi NitePatrol,
I am so very sorry for your loss. It's been 1yr & 8 mths since I lost my husband to lung cancer (2/05/11). It feels like yesterday. I so identify with what your are going through. Until now, I couldn't quite put into words, what it is exactly that I feel. I am familiar with the 12 steps of grief. I feel like I've been thru them all and sometime wonder if it will ever end. When I think about the triggers for me that opens the flood gates, it is like you, thinking about how my husband suffered. He knew for over 14 yrs he had cancer and did not tell me. Long story/short, he managed it very well, showed no signs and had few symptoms until the end. He spared me and us the stress of living under that cloud for a very long time. When I think of how he must have suffered and silently, it breaks my heart to the very core. I have images in my minds eye of him going through the fight in the last 6 months of his life...This is what grieves me the haunts me and the wonderful memories I have give me joy. I embrace them both. It's so easy to say words that should bring comfort, for me they don't work. Though I'm grateful for my family and friends who do reach out. Sadly, I feel inconsolable. So, I don't know what to offer you, except time. Remember, there is no timetable and no formula. While on the same journey, we will each travel our own pathway. In your own time, your way, healing will come. For me, I don't ever want to stop feeling. It is what keeps me connected in some way. I don't ever want to lose that connection, until I see Worthey's all that I have.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2012 at 2:44PM
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