It isn't just his death
I am grieving the loss of my husband of 37 years. He died from pancreatic cancer on December 14th 2011. He had been fighting this cancer for two years. In May he was between treatments (getting a scan that week instead) so that he felt pretty good. He went out for a motocycle ride on a beautiful spring day here in Florida. He was hit in our own neighborhood only going 15 miles an hour by a boy in a Dodge Ram truck who was on his cell phone driving on the wrong side of the road around a curve. His left leg was shattered, 3 1/2 weeks in the hospital and no weight bearing for over 3 months. Have you ever seen anyone hobbling to the toilet with a walker so that he can throw up from chemo treatments? The suffering of my poor husband was absolutely horrific. Through the entire thing he never became bitter or angry, never moaned or cried out, and told the boy that it was "just an accident". The cancer eventually spread to his bone (hips), spine and brain. Again because it spread to the bone, the suffering was horrible. So while I am grieving from his loss I am also finding that it is hard for me to think of those days after the accident, and it is the suffering that I know he endured that is killing me little by little. It is too much to bear and I feel like my chest is bleeding. I had my first therapy sesson Saturday so I don't know if it will help, or if that is why I am so stirred up tonight. I take Busiprone for anxiety and that does help. I forgot to mention that my brothers wife also died of breast cancer that had spread to the brain on November 5th 2011. My brother and I cannot believe that we lost our spouses within 6 weeks of each other. He only lives 12 doors down. I am just so upset tonight, walking the floor crying and asking for answers. I recently read that to love someone is to agree to die twice. We outlive nothing! I didn't want to call family so I am reaching out to your forum in order to try and calm down. Anyway, that is my story.