The loss of my son ...

bbearJanuary 20, 2005

My wife and I just lost our son about 6 weeks ago at the age of 20. He was in terrible pain due to a botched shoulder surgery that left his shoulder unable to stay in its socket without physically trying to hold it into place. While waiting for the 2nd surgery date (for many, many weeks) he was on some very heavy duty pain medication and muscle relaxers. He died from an overdose. We found him dead on his bedroom floor, with my wife holding him and not being able to let go until the fire dept. etc. arrived and helped her off of him.

My wife and I have been torn into thousands of little pieces. The pain is still completely unbearable at times. The Christmas holiday's were more painful than I even know how to express, and took every fiber of my soul to be able to get through it. Having never cried since I was a very little boy ( I am 51 now), I now have absolutely no control over when a crying bout may strike me over the loss of our son. My wife and I both get panic attacks out of nowhere now, when we had never had this problem before. We both feel so overwhelmingly vulnerable right now, where we both have never felt vulnerable before. The physical shaky feeling inside, the feeling of being so cold,

Since I am physically disabled, I have no one to talk to except for my wife and God outside of our home. While looking for some online help today I ran into your site, and just started reading and hoped that just maybe it might help me if I were able to post some of my feelings here. I pray that with Gods help, somehow my wife and I will in some way find the strength to even be able to carry on.

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I am so so very sorry for the loss of your son....i know there are no words that can comfort you right now or maybe came to the right place to share your feelings ....i lost my daughter 3 years ago and dont ever let anyone tell you it will get never does...only a little more bearable...your grief is so fresh right now the full impact of losing your precious son hasnt even really registered have made a very important first step in coming here for what comfort we can offer...please come often and we will pray for your family..God bless you...terri

    Bookmark   January 20, 2005 at 7:44PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. Like you me and my husband lost our only son on Sept.27/04 and i know exactly what you are going through. This site is great many caring people here, Shortly after my Darryl passed away I also found this site. Our son was found dead in his bed and we are still waiting for the cause of death but the Doctors suspect heart problems. Everyday is a rollercoaster. This past Xmas was our first also and it was very hard. Some days are okay but the nights are the worst. Everyone grieves differently so don't let your self think that what your feeling on any given day isn't normal. Myself I hide myself in my work always busy but inside the pain is always there. I wish you the best of luck and just take one day at a time that's what I do. Before I would always plan but now I can't go beyond today. Hope this helps a little because I know exactly what your going through. My prays are with you as I know there are a lot of people praying for us and I know that is what's getting us through each day. Darlene

    Bookmark   January 20, 2005 at 8:20PM
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bbear, I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your wife. If only these words would easy some of your agony. Many here have had similar losses, do share your feelings here.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2005 at 10:05PM
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I offer HUGS, prayers and lots of love to you and your wife.
Sometimes just knowing others have experienced similar grief and survived and knowing there are no rules and whatever you feel right now then it's OK to feel that can help a little.

I haven't been here long but I have found the support and care to be a real blessing and I believe God helped you find this little spot on the internet.

Take it one day at a time and don't be afraid to express how you feel. You and your wife really need each other now.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 1:23AM
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I'm so very sorry, I too will pray for you.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 10:15AM
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i couldnt get you and your wife off my mind last nite....i said a prayer for God to give you the strength you will need to get thru each day......please keep all of us posted on how you are doing...maybe you could tell us about your son ..sometimes putting what our child was like into words brings emotions out as we are writing and is somewhat healing..each tear will bring a little healing to your heart that now has a huge hole in it....please keep us all posted on how you are will help you and know that we all care...God bless you..

    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 11:54AM
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bbear, my heart is breaking for you and your wife right now.
There are no adequate words to say to you right now.

As a mother who has lost a son, I know the journey you are
about to take. My prayer for you is that God will hold you
and keep you close, that he will comfort you and help you
in the coming months as you grieve the loss of your beloved son.


    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 2:02PM
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On October 3, 2000, my younger son was killed in a head-on car accident. The first year is the absolute worst, all those 'firsts' to deal with--first Christmas without him, first Mother's Day, Father's Day. It was all just terrible.

This is a letter I wrote to my sister a little over a year after the accident when she asked how I was.
"I think this whole situation is something no one can understand, it's too horrible for people to get their minds around. I remember going to children's funerals and crying for them. I murmured my condolences and hugged the parents, friends of mine, and secretly thanked God it wasn't me in their shoes, that God took their child and let me go home and hug mine and tuck them in and enjoy them. I couldn't conceive of even the remotest possibility that it might happen to my family. Now, through no choice of mine, I get it. I get it each and every day at every moment in every cell of my being. I get it.

Do you have any idea how long the night can be lying in the dark weeping? In the beginning for months I closed my eyes at night and prayed to die in my sleep. But I didn't. I got up and went to work, a hollow shell floating through the hours with the distraction of my job the only thing tying me to this earth. And knowing I was surrounded by friends.

Walt and I try to comfort each other. We each have our own special sorrow and we mostly sigh and say, "Boy, I miss that kid" and the other understands. Walt can articulate his sorrow, I need to write it.

I cry each and every time I drive in my car. Sometimes I know Brian's there with me and I talk to him, sometimes I put on his favorite radio station so I can hear his music again. The house is so quiet without the stereo trying to be heard above the drumming.

I was told the pain wouldn't always be so bad. That's true; the long hours of overwhelming sorrow have tapered into moments that spill out. I get through some days without crying at all, not that it's a goal of mine, but I realize it means I'm healing. People tell me they don't want to make me feel bad when something comes up and I start to cry. What they don't understand is that there's nothing anyone can possibly say or do to make me feel worse. It's always there right below the surface, like a new component in my blood.

Everything, I mean everything, relates back. Toy commercials on TV, I think how Brian would've asked for that but Oh, No, Brian's Gone. I see a mother with two boys and I remember years back but Oh, No, Brian's Gone. Everything. The weather, music, food, holidays. Oh, yes, Brian's Gone. I'm not sure I'm really explaining this right.

One of the worst parts of all this is the math. I no longer think about tomorrow, just today and yesterday. As the time goes by sometimes I think about future birthdays. I think about him being 19 years old forever. I think when I'm 60 Brian would have been 37. It unnerves me to think about the concept of the future.

I get through a day that's been particularly tough, how can I get through the rest of my life without him? Surely I'm not strong enough to do this everyday for the rest of my life. Surely there's an end, if I suffer long enough I'll get him back. When I just can't do another day God will say Do Over and send him home again. And then I realize that's not going to happen and yes, this will go on the rest of my life like it or not.

People ask, "how are you?" and get my public answer of, "getting through" or "I'm still getting out of bed every morning" but they don't ask, "how are you, really?" which in some respects is a blessing because of the nuisance of public tears but at the same time it bothers me. I wonder if people think enough time has passed that I'm over it. I wonder if by not bringing it up people will forget he ever existed. And that's how it is.

It's always there, sometimes really heavy, sometimes I remember the great times and I'm peaceful but I'm between wanting to talk about him and wanting to keep my memories inside. Thanks for asking how I am, really."

Bbear, I wish there was something I could say or do to make this better for you. But I know there isn't. I am so sorry for your loss, so very, very sorry.

One foot in front of the other. Breathe in. Breathe out.

My prayers are with you.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 5:13PM
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Nell Jean

Everybody who has lost an adult child and comes to this forum can relate. There are many of us. If you haven't sought some form of counseling, I strongly recommend it. If you live in a city of size, look for Compassionate Friends. Ask your doctor, your minister, a social worker at the Hospital, your local Mental Health agency for information about support groups. Call your local Hospice. They will most likely have a grief support group open to all.

I understand about crying for the first time in years. I understand about the lump in your throat that keeps you from swallowing a bite of food. I understand about hearing his name every morning when you wake, about hoping to dream and fearing a nightmare. I understand about rage and anger and terror and hurt and fear and hopelessness. I also understand about acceptance, with sorrow that never ends. In time, it will be different; not better, but different than today.

If you'd like, you're welcome to visit the Consolation Page on my son's web site. It isn't fancy; it's my experience through someone's thoughtfulness during my bereavement. It's part of a larger memorial.


Here is a link that might be useful: Sorrow's Bread

    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 7:59PM
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Oh, how awful! What a terrible thing you've been through. And are going through. My daughter Jill (see the Pictures of Jill thread on this forum) died of an accidental overdose of pain meds, too. The doctor that gave them to her has lost his license, among other things.

You've been given some good advice and support here. I can only think to add two things: One, books on grieving helped me a bit, and two, signs from my daughter have helped me a lot. I hope you will be open to them.

Our hearts go out to you and your wife.


    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 10:51PM
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bbear: I'm so glad you have found this forum. I haven't suffered through the loss of a child so I won't even pretend to know of your pain. I'll say a special prayer for you tonight and I hope you find peace though I expect it won't be soon. There are many here who can relate to what you are going through because they have suffered through it, too. I've read their stories and my heart goes out to all of you. Take care - Leogirl

    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 11:19PM
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bbear, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. All of your and your wife's feelings at this time are perfectly normal. When you lose your child, you have lost part of yourself and your entire being is affected and will be changed forever.
I know the feelings because I too, lost my only daughter/best friend, just one week from her 20th birthday. She was trying to save the life of our dog who had been hit by a car. She was then hit by a truck as she was hovered over him and trying to wave traffic around him. I'll give you a link to her site if you would like to "meet" her. I imagine that your son, my daughter and all the others loved ones who have left are together now.
It will take probably several years, and as much as you may believe that you won't ever feel better, I promise you, the pain does lessen. If it didn't, we certainly would not be able to survive this world. I would say that for at least a year, I was in a total daze. Looking back on the 6 1/2 years since she has left, I really don't know where the time went. I think I have been and still am in a fog. Night after night, I would even forget to eat. The hours passed by and I was there, but not there. I remember 7 months after Christin left, I was going to visit her at the cemetery and crossed a railroad track. I remember hearing something behind me the minute I crossed the track. I looked in my rear view mirror and a train zipped down the track where I had just crossed. I don't remember seeing it as I was approaching. In this state of mind, please try to be extra careful driving.
As hard as it is to believe, the time will come when you will think of your son and smile. You will begin to feel happiness and gratefulness for the 20 years you had with him rather than focusing on how much you've been cheated of by losing him. It may take many years, but eventually, it will probably come.
It is so good that you can openly cry. My husband does also and he doesn't care who sees him. I think this is a very healthy way to heal. Actually, he is more open with tears than I am. Those tears of sadness can come out of no where when you least expect them, but crying is supposedly
cleansing.If you don't express your grief openly, then it will eventually come out in one way or another.
I'm so glad that you found us and please feel free to post as often as you like and on any topic at all. No matter how bizarre a feeling you have may seem, someone here will probably have experienced it and can maybe help you know that you are not alone.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   January 21, 2005 at 11:23PM
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I don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said here. I am so very sorry for you & your wife, on the loss of your son. Simply put, losing a child of ANY age, just plain sucks. I lost my only son 17 years ago. Although I have a surviving daughter, she isn't the replacement of losing her brother, like many people thought would cure my loss back then. It seems like yesterday, and she is my steady reminder of losing him. I will pray for you in my own little way. Keep us updated and please share whatever you feel you can at this time. We care about you. God bless.
Emma in PA

    Bookmark   January 22, 2005 at 4:30AM
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Thank you all so much for all of your help and support. It does somehow help, especially all of your prayers. Prayers mean more to me than anything any one could say or do.

My wife and I had three childen. We had two sons, my oldest being 25, and one girl at 23 who was the middle child. As I mentioned in my opening post, I am completely disabled. This happened about three years ago. So I don't drive anymore as Lulie___Wayne had asked , and I am confined to a laying down position due to the extreme pain. Being able to attend a help group is not possible away from my house, but I sure apprieciate the suggestions. We are however looking into help that can come here to my home

Because of my disability I lost my business of 20 years. We just got through having to go throughr bankruptsy becaue of that loss. Before that money was never a problem. So we were forced to completely start anew. That process took a few very painful years toget through and we had just finally started a new life.

My oldest son has been in and out of the hospital since he was about 13 years old. Now at 25 he is managing to keep his life long problem somewhat under check. You see he had a very rare colon problem that took somewhere around 10 different surgeries to fix. Where on occasion his hospital stays were up to 1 to 2 months at a time and 500 miles away. We had almost lost him several times along the way. It was a devestation time for our entire family while my children grew up, and left many scars on his brother Brent and sister Bethany. He still needs constant care but was able to meet the love of his life and finally able to make it out on his own. My daughter is a very lively and healthy person and is no very succesful and happy in life.

Well it's 2:00am now and I don't even know how my spelling is or the readability, for it is very difficult to write and I don't wish to pour over it again. Thank's for listening and again thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.

Bbear aka Danny

    Bookmark   January 22, 2005 at 5:11AM
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danny, i am so sorry for the loss and extreme difficulties you have experienced. my heart goes out to you and your wife over the loss of you son. i am glad you came here and hope you will continue to be active in this forum. what you felt when you posted may be different than what you may feel tomorrow or the next day. your extreme range of emotions will take its toll on some days. its important that you come here and talk about what you are feeling and share with the folks in here. I would encourage your wife to come too. everyone would like to reach out to you both.
many prayers sent to you and your wife.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2005 at 7:33AM
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I commiserate with you. I loss my son Travis 22 Dec 04. He was 27 and had a son Ryan ( 5 years). Travis was the youngest of three children. Travis was very special to me. He would bring Ryan over for tea Wed nites and we would talk for hours. He was very keen on karate. He bought a motorcycle that was a monster and I never liked him driving one. But he came over to show me it when he first picked it up and I cautioned to take extra care. HE promised that he would. H died on that bike and left his son fatherless and me heart broken for life. I was to be remarried the 1st of may ... I still have his invitation. I miss him dearly.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2005 at 4:49PM
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Nell Jean

Zak, when my son died, one of his best friends said, "If they'd told me Gary died riding a motorcycle going a hundred miles an hour, I'd have said, 'Well, that's Gary,' but I can't accept This."

'This' is that Gary sat down on a parked motorcycle that he was not about to ride and was killed by a careless driver going too fast on the Interstate in a little truck with bald tires, in the rain, who skidded off the road and into three parked vehicles. The friend who owned the motorcycle was left standing with a bruise on his thigh. Gary did own a motorcycle, a fast machine. He was driving his truck that particular day. We never know.


    Bookmark   February 15, 2005 at 6:23PM
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I commiserate with you. I loss my son Travis 22 Dec 04. He was 27 and had a son Ryan ( 5 years). Travis was the youngest of three children. Travis was very special to me. He would bring Ryan over for tea Wed nites and we would talk for hours. He was very keen on karate. He bought a motorcycle that was a monster and I never liked him driving one. But he came over to show me it when he first picked it up and I cautioned to take extra care. HE promised that he would. H died on that bike and left his son fatherless and me heart broken for life. I was to be remarried the 1st of may ... I still have his invitation. I miss him dearly.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2005 at 8:40PM
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my son was found dead in his bed also, was long qt syndrum

    Bookmark   September 24, 2005 at 9:32AM
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