Heartbroken in Florida

inozipOctober 1, 2007

My son got his girlfriend pregnant last year. The baby

was born on Monday. His girlfriend and I have talked alot

on the phone, but due to my job working out of state, I

have not been in town. I have visited them when I am in

town and thought everything was great!!. She did not want

me in the delivery room and I respected her wishes.

Once the baby was born, I was basically told to leave the

room so she could breasfeed. I left the room and figuring

she was tired (everyone had been up over 24 hours) and needed alone time, I went home. I knew they would have

their steak dinner that night and see their friends. I

told my son I would see them the next afternoon after I

got off from work.

I called the next day, told them when I would be there,

visited that night, and they went home the next day.

You would think, end of story, happy ending, right>?

I have not been allowed to see the baby. Why? Because

I have been told this:

I was selfish for "wanting" to be in the delivery room

although she could see why I wanted to be there since it

was my first grandchild and she was afraid I was going to

PUSH my way into the room. I did no such thing. I went

to the waiting room and then went outside the building to

get some air. THEY felt I should have stayed in the building and this was so wrong, they can't get over it.

I was also told that I left too soon after the baby was

born, even though I wasn't allowed to be in the room when

she was breastfeeding. They are also mad at me because

I did not call them that night. (their cell phones were

ringing off the hook all day and I did not want to bother

them or disturb their rest).

I was at the hospital 2 hours after the baby was born.

They went to her parents house after they left the hospital. I called on Wednesday to see how they did.

Everything was great. Thursday night I called, everyone

was sleeping, so I said I would call the next day. Friday

I called, no one returns my call. Saturday I called, was

told I could come visit on Sunday (yeah!!).

Sunday, I call, after noon, and all the above crap was

thrown in my face. YOU didn't do this, YOU weren't in

the building, YOU didn't stay long enough, YOU wanted to

be in the room, YOU are selfish, YOU need to back off,

YOU can't see the baby now.

I have cried my eyes out for 48 hours. Am I allowed NO

feelings? Its ok for them to treat me like dirt? My

son and I have been very close, single parent to him for

years. HE is taking her side, of course, it is very clear.

I have tried to email her, call her, ask her what did I

do that was so terrible? You don't want me there, but

you do want me there. It was there day not mine, I know

that. Its wasn't about me but now they are making it

all about ME!!!

She did email me back a whole page of critical comments,

rude accusations and down right lies. She even stated that

I threw a "tantrum" when I wasn't allowed in the delivery

room!! This is so not true!! I did no such thing and

would never embarass my son or her for that matter like

that. I called then emailed her that she was obviously

mad at me, and I was so sorry, but this has to end. We

have a beautiful healthy baby, and that is what everyone

should be thankful for. Not stressing over where I was

during the delivery!! and NOW using a helpless innocent

child to put a wedge between me and everybody!! This

is so wrong, and downright EVIL on so many levels!!

At this point I am so upset, I am thinking about just

moving out of the state. The only reason I live where

I live has been to be close to my son. He has shunned me

and shut me out of the most wonderful expereince in his

life... (and believe me, there have not been many of

those). I have stood by him during his dealings with the

law, bailed him out of jail, helped him out financially,

spent thousands on this baby and supplies, and this is

what I receive in return.

I wasn't expecting alot, belive me. But to be ridiculed,

hated, and now banned from my sweet grandchild is more

than I can bear!!

What the Hell did I do wrong here??

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marry

I hope that everyone just needs a few days to settle down. Try not to get too wound up about all of this. It might just be post partum stuff going on and maybe after a few days your grandchilds mother will be looking at things differently.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2007 at 1:36PM
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Jonesy

I don't know who is right or wrong in this situation, but I know you calling them, emailing, trying to contact them in any way is WRONG. It will only drive a further wedge between everyone involved. You are only reminding them of what they think you did wrong. Back off and don't call them, let them contact you. Even a counselor would tell you that. No matter how bad you want to be in their life and be around the baby, if they don't want you, it's not going to happen. I cannot imagine calling and calling someone who has shown me they don't want me around.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2007 at 11:19PM
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staggerl

I have to agree that you just back off and let them figure it out. Sounds like no matter what you do or say it wasn't going to be the right thing.

Wash your hands from them. I can guarantee they will call you when the need a sitter. You know you are supposed to be just sitting by the phone waiting for them to need you right? (sarcasm)

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 3:13PM
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eileenlamp

I'm so sorry to hear this story. You'll have to suck it up and just leave them alone, I think. It's so hard because I know you want to see the baby. However, if your son isn't demanding that you see the baby, and he isn't, then all you can do is wait. I'm so sorry and I feel sad for the situation you are in.

    Bookmark   October 7, 2007 at 2:56AM
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sihasapa

i am afraid there is nothing to do except leave them alone. i am in a similar place. i just pray for answers.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2007 at 3:07PM
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misskittycat1

You're playing childish games and it's not ever going to work out the way you think it should. He's your only son and he's absolutely doing the right thing in standing by his wife. At least HE'S being mature. Whether you wanted to be in the delivery room or not isn't something you have ANY say about. And you probably DID throw a tantrum, why else would you go out to "get some air?" And not calling (so you wouldn't "disturb or bother" them) because you weren't allowed in the room while she BREASTFED? Oh, come on!...Playing games... Maybe you should move out of state and get some therapy for your control issues, they haven't worked for you very well so far and putting all the blame on DIL has caused you to lose that whole family. YOU'RE making it all about you. Is it worth it? I don't see any hope for you because you're convinced you've done nothing wrong, even after they tried to tell you.......Even after they tried to tell you.... Good luck. I wish you and them the best. Nancy

    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 5:49PM
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susan75023

Nancy, you sound like the daughter in law.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 7:33AM
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misskittycat1

LOL! Lupineloon, you're so right! It was so obvious in the OP's posting just how blind to her own faults she actually chooses to be. I'm a DIL, mother-in-law and grandmother and was angered and saddened at how self centered she is/was and just how willing she was to allow us to see it. I was and still am embarassed for her. I hope things have gotten better for them... Nancy

    Bookmark   January 1, 2008 at 9:49AM
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Linda Giorgi

I still think that was to strong. I feel for the grandma. Her AND HER SON were the only two together. Maybe the DIL is jealous.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2008 at 10:07AM
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misskittycat1

I don't understand what you mean by her and her son were the only two together. I feel for inozip too, she's in a very bad position... Wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Hope things are better for them all.

    Bookmark   January 8, 2008 at 7:08PM
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Linda Giorgi

What I meant was for many years it was just the mom and the son. I think the daughter in law was a little jealous.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2008 at 9:51PM
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misskittycat1

Could be... Though, according to inozip, it was not the DIL with the issues. And she's more mature, at least in age, and should've acted like someone of her age, regardless of the amount of time she had with her son. Nancy

    Bookmark   January 20, 2008 at 2:18PM
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sirens

You are reaping what you have sown - you obviously cannot respect her boundaries, and now they are having to take back control.
" She did not want
me in the delivery room and I respected her wishes."
Why on earth would you feel entitled to be in the delivery room??? I wouldn't want ANY of my family/friends in a delivery room. What a bizarre attitude.
"Once the baby was born, I was basically told to leave the
room so she could breasfeed."
And...........?? Why would she want an audience when she breastfed her infant?

You are intrusive.

"I
told my son I would see them the next afternoon after I
got off from work.

I called the next day, told them when I would be there,
visited that night, and they went home the next day."

NOTE: maybe in future interactions, you should *ASK* when to come over, INSTEAD OF "TELLING" THEM when you will arrive.....have a little common courtesy, some decency, and learn how to respect people's boundaries.

That will help the situation more than anything.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2008 at 8:23AM
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misskittycat1

Well said, Sirens! I think though, that we've both wasted our time. Inozip has probably "left the building", much to her shame and embarassment. She wanted to be told that the DIL was wrong and she was right... And there were several that did just that and defended her. It's sad that some MILs think that since they raised their son that they have every right to do and say whatever they want to say and be given the respect that someone their age deserves. Respect is earned and not a gift. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned a sense of entitlement. Standing up for what's right isn't popular or easy and makes you a target sometimes... Just my two cents... Nancy

    Bookmark   February 27, 2008 at 8:02AM
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teresa_j30

Well, I've never posted here before but, upon reading this post, I can't believe how mean and rude some people are. First of all my DH would never let me treat MY mother like that much less his mother. My mother was in the delivery room w/all my kids, why do you think she was selfish in wanting to be a part of a beautiful event in her sons life. All of these forums are the same, people venting their personal feelings and miserable, nasty people bashing them for feeling that way. Sickening!!!

    Bookmark   April 22, 2008 at 10:50AM
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sirens

You poor thing...
" I can't believe how mean and rude some people are. "

Why do you think it is "mean and rude" for these folks to have some boundaries?

"My mother was in the delivery room w/all my kids, why do you think she was selfish in wanting to be a part of a beautiful event in her sons life. "

I don't think a mom wanting to be in the delivery room is necessarily wrong, but it should always be with the agreement of, and at the invitation of, THE MOTHER - remember her? She's the one who's naked with her legs splayed open, giving birth....please excuse her for having feelings/opinions/preferences regarding *who* is in the labor room with her.
Birth isn't a circus sideshow.
It's not something you get an automatic pass to attend by virtue of being "The Grandmother."
What a strange point of view!
IF and only IF the MOTHER wants the grandmother there, THEN the grandmother should be asked to come on in...believe it or not, the birth is really about the baby (remember him/her?), and *not* the feelings of the grandparent....it's about the baby being brought into the world. Maybe you think it's rude and mean for a woman in labor to have any opinions, but I don't.
"All of these forums are the same, people venting their personal feelings and miserable, nasty people bashing them for feeling that way. "
I guess, you think calling a spade a spade, is "bashing."

I'm just guessing here, but I think the reason the OP's son and DIL didn't want her around right after the birth, is because she took the joyous occasion of her grandchild's birth and threw a ridiculous FIT, trying to make the day ALL ABOUT HER.
Don't blame them a bit!

    Bookmark   April 23, 2008 at 10:58PM
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teresa_j30

You must have a lonely miserable life, nothing to do but sit and make judgements on people you don't even know. All I know is, I'm glad you aren't my friend or family memeber! Mean and rude is an understatement, you are just one of those people who feels better by making others feel like crap, run into people like you everyday then I turn around and run the other way as fast as I can! Have a splendid day!

    Bookmark   April 24, 2008 at 11:54AM
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sirens

Actually, I have a very full life.
Your personal attacks tell me that you do not.

It isn't always popular to stick up for the underdog.

"There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest."
Elie Wiesel

    Bookmark   April 24, 2008 at 12:38PM
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teresa_j30

Boy, for having such a full life, you sure have alot of time to go to each post and give negative feedback!!!! LOL That is just tooooo funny!! GO rude DILS, BOOO caring grandmothers!!!!

    Bookmark   April 24, 2008 at 2:51PM
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sirens

You don't like what I am saying and so you are attacking me on a personal level.

Do you believe that a grandmother should have automatic entry into the hospital room when her DIL gives birth?

If so, why?

Just curious - this seems to be such a personal thing with you. And, do you know the person who started the thread?

    Bookmark   April 24, 2008 at 3:19PM
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teresa_j30

No, I do not know the person who started this thread. And it's not about "liking" what you say. It's about the fact that alot of people come to these forums to vent and ask advice from un-biased people, and I don't understand why people have to respond so negatively. If you don't agree w/the post that is fine and your own choice, but stating your opinions so rudely isn't neccessary. I can feel for the OP because my sister in law is the same way w/my mom. She will do anything to be a b!+ch just cuz she likes to cause trouble, nothing my mom does is ever good enough...etc, etc. No one here knows these people personally enough to pass judgement. If she is in the same situation as MY mother then nothing she did at the hospital would've been good enough, the DIL STILL would've found something to compain and whine about. I just think that if someone disagrees w/a post it could be stated w/a little more compassion instead of making the person feel even worse. JMO

    Bookmark   April 25, 2008 at 8:39AM
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sirens

I don't feel that I've been rude at all...I'm not here to offend.
If I offended the original poster, or you for that matter, I'm sorry, but I'd like to know what you think about the subject of grandmothers feeling like they "should" be in the delivery room, regardless of the kind of relationship they have had (or not had), with the mother.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2008 at 2:46PM
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teresa_j30

I agree that being in the delivery room w/the mother is a big deal and should only be done by invitation from the mom to be. But the whole thing was that we weren't there to really see what transpired between the two, so we really can't make a judgement on any of it. I just know how some people are about coming to forums, wanting some sympathy when they feel that they have been wronged. I definitely don't think that everyone should agree on everything, but on the other hand, if I was the OP I would've been crushed and humiliated to read some of the responses here. People can have differing opinions w/out being so harsh. Well, thats about all I'm gonna say regarding this post. Maybe you and I should start our own "debate forum" I'm sure we would make it quite interesting!! LOL Have a great day!

    Bookmark   April 25, 2008 at 3:34PM
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sirens

She may have been wanting sympathy, but would sympathy really help her?
Or would it help her MORE, to hear that just maybe she needs to stop and examine her own behavior?
Agreeing with her that her DIL and son are "evil," is not going to help her at all.
What then?

Much more productive for her to slow down, and think about the fact that the priority should have been the baby and mother.
She seemed offended that her DIL didn't want her in the room while she breastfed.
That is the DIL's perogative - if she didn't want her there, the MIL should have been gracious enough, to leave the room without making a big deal about it.

She was, in my opinion, intrusive and inconsiderate. Much better for her to consider her behavior, apologize, and try to bring some love and joy to the family, instead of causing problems and stress. JMO.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2008 at 10:46PM
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hope44

Hi inozip,

I'm sorry you are hurting. It seems to me that you were trying so hard, maybe too hard. I don't know. Sometimes it's a little tricky being the mother of a son. You kind of have to figure out what your son's wife (or girlfriend) wants you to be, and then be it. Crazy, but true!

I would suggest giving them their space for right now. I don't think you did anything wrong, and I'm sorry that you are hurting. Give them their space, and wait. It's hard, but that's what it is going to take, apparently.

    Bookmark   July 10, 2008 at 3:35PM
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lollie_1973

I can understand your feelings as their is no more hurtfull feelings than that of your own child shutting you out of one of the most important times in their lives! I hope things settle down and relations improve, one day and hopefully soon they will realise what atrasure you can be in their and their baby's life.
All the best for the future.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2008 at 2:48PM
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