living our lives

JoanOctober 22, 2001

We have raised 4 children and now have 7 grandchildren. The problem we are having is a couple of our children are using their kids to get back at us for a decision we made. We have been going to TX for the winter for the past 5 years and this year we decided to go the first of December. Two of our children do not like the idea that we are going to be gone for Christmas. We are going to celebrate Christmas early. We have celebrated Christmas the past 8 years on the weekend before or the weekend after Christmas as they go to the in-laws for Christmas. They have not called us since we made the decision to go early but they do let us talk to the grandkids when we call. I have continued to send them emails, birthday cards, presents, and the like but they don't make any attempt to communicate with us. They used to call once a week. My question is should we alter our plans for them or do what our other 2 children say to do which is go for it as who knows what the weather may be like the end of December. We feel we have our lives to live too. We only see these children 3 times a year anyway. Would appreciate some feedback as it sure does help to get different points of view.

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I would keep my schedule

    Bookmark   October 22, 2001 at 3:19PM
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I agree, you have the right to make your own decisions at this point of your life. Got to Texas as planned and keep in touch with the grandkids--don't allow their parents immaturity to cost them their grandparents. Have a wonderful and safe trip.

    Bookmark   October 22, 2001 at 4:03PM
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Keep with the schedule that you have set. These kids are trying to control, don't let them run your life.

Enjoy your winter in Texas, we have a lot of "snowbirds" here in the winter.

    Bookmark   October 23, 2001 at 1:14PM
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You have already accommodated their preferences for the last 8 years. Enjoy your winter in Texas. Stay in touch with the grandchildren and keep those doors open with the birthday cards and such. But unfortunately your children are adults now and it is their choice as to whether they walk through the door or not. With such caring parents as you have been, I hope that they'll eventually come around.

    Bookmark   October 23, 2001 at 11:17PM
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If you alter your plans this year prepare to do it from now on. These kids are manipulating you.

It is your life, you've done your job, have a good time in Texas.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2001 at 9:29PM
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I would say also to keep your schedule. They are angry with you because they feel abandonned, so try to address that. Tell them

-we are not abandoning you, we will have christmas at another time
-I know you want the comfort of what we have done in the past, but it is time for you to start your OWN family traditions, you are a family now and you have the right to decide what christmas will be
-if we ever decide in later years NOT to go to TX, we will gladly follow any traditions you have started in our absence
-stay by the phone christmas eve (so you can say goodnight to grandkids) and christmas morning (so you can say merry christmas and hear the hub-bub of present opening). This means YOU will call THEM.

Even as adults, us children need re-assuring once in a while that it is okay to do things on our own.

Good luck! And don't let guilt ruin your holiday, you aren't doing anything wrong and they will see that once it is done!

    Bookmark   October 26, 2001 at 10:43AM
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Thank you everyone for the great advice you have given us. I feel alittle better about going to TX. I guess we need to keep reassuring our kids and grandkids that we love them and will miss them while we are gone. I envy grandparents that live close to their grandchildren and get to spend alot of time with them. After what happened on Sept. 11th, we all need to change our way of living and live everyday to the fullest. I thought we were before but now are trying even more. Thanks again for the feedback. I really appreciate all of the links on gardenweb.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2001 at 11:41AM
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Keep your schedule (think of all the times you catered to their whims and needs while you were raising your kids). However, on Christmas day, be sure to call them where ever
they are.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2001 at 5:59PM
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How long do you go for and how old are your grandchildren?

    Bookmark   October 29, 2001 at 3:41PM
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We have been going to Tx for the last 5 years. We normally go for 3 months but are now going to go for 4 months. We have grandchildren ranging in ages from 10 years to 6 months. I guess if they lived close to us and we got to see them often it would be a different story but we only see them about 3 times a year anyway. We just don't want to wait to do what we enjoy til later as there may never be a later.

    Bookmark   October 29, 2001 at 5:17PM
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I was just wondering because my parents are travellers too but they go for close to 6 months. I am upset because we are use to seeing them at least once a month if not more and the girls are asking for them every day. It is breaking my heart to try and explain to my 2 year old why she can't see grama and papa till spring. My parents only have one other daughter and she is never having children, so these are the only grandchildren they will ever have. I just don't want them to miss some important times, like christmas and halloween. I grew up close to my grandparents and I have very fond memories of them, and I want my children to have good ones too. I guess deep down inside I really miss them too and wish they wouldn't go for so long, even though I know they deserve it. I guess it just hurts me that they would rather be on the road than spending time with their grandkids.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2001 at 11:24PM
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Live your life while you still have one!!
I have 3 daughters and the oldest one has been mad at me it seems like 3/4 of her life LOL.
Go, have fun, make memories , all will be ok in the end.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2001 at 10:36PM
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I would just guess that it would never occur to them to change any of their plans to suit yours.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2001 at 9:48PM
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I thought the "me" generation had not yet reached retirement. Shame on you! I'm glad you're not the other set of grandparents to my grandkids! I'm sure what you wanted to hear was "You've lived your life, yadda-yadda-yadda" I'd be willing to bet you've ALWAYS done whatever YOU wanted to do. Your poor family!

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 9:01PM
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I can't resist... ignore the last posting. Of course it is OK to do something else this year. You made it clear that you're changing your plans for the first time. Your kids' behavior is selfish and shameful -- they are adults. Not catering to your adult childrens' desires is not being selfish. Ignoring your calls and gifts just because you're not doing something they want is selfish and very childish.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2001 at 1:35PM
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If I only got to see my grand kids 3 times a year, I'd stick around for it.
You've always celebrated Christmas the weekend before or after Christmas, I suppose they can't figure out why you'd change it now.

However, if I were the adult child, for my kids' sake, I'd show up and celebrate Christmas whenever required so my kids could celebrate with their grand parents. Darn, I hate being able to see both sides!!

    Bookmark   January 2, 2002 at 12:02AM
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