I can't move on

cngfordJanuary 23, 2009

Fifteen years ago I lost my sole mate. The support I received form family and friends was tremendous. While no one could take away the hurt it helped to know that others were there.

The one constant piece of advice I was given "the pain will eventually go away" was wrong. I hurt so very much, I hurt everyday, I hurt as bad as the day it happened. And worse it has been so long that no one but me seems to remember.

I can not move on.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. While I have not experienced losing a mate, I have lost my only daughter, my mom whom I was extremely close to, and my only niece. I think that moving on with your life is a conscious choice. Although it is hard to continue living after losing someone you love so very much, one has to decide to carry the love in their heart and "move on". Deciding to live life again does not mean that you don't love them anymore. It does not mean that you are forgetting them or that you don't care anymore. You deserve to be able to live a life as good as you can possibly have for the days that you have left. You will eventually be with your love again.
I like to think of my daughter, Christin, being on a very wonderful vacation in a very beautiful place. I know that she is happy and well taken care of and I will go to meet her there later. For now, I know I have to live my life the best I can without her here with me.
I hope this helps you.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Website

    Bookmark   January 23, 2009 at 10:55PM
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Thank you so much for your wonderful response that you posted. It wasn't even directed to me but you made me feel better! I just lost my mom 3 weeks ago to a horrible disease, Scleroderma, that robber her of her earthly life at 50 years young. Some days I feel really great, while other days I have so much emptiness and sadness in my heart. I try to make the best of the situation because I know that I will have to deal with this the rest of my life. I'm 22 years old and I know I have so much to live for, but it's hard to think about the future sometimes. It's so painful to know that my mom won't be there on my wedding day, or to see me have children. She was one of my best friends and it's hard to think that I won't have her there in the physical sense for those milestones in my life.

I just wanted to say thank you for your post because it offered me comfort. I love that you said you picture your daughter on a vacation, because that's such a wonderful way to look at it. I also know you understand the pain I'm going through because you were also half of a mother/daughter relationship which has ended too soon. It hurts being the one left here on earth, but as you said, I KNOW we will be reunited again. How great will it be for you to see your daughter, mom, and neice again! Sometimes it just helps for others to remind you of that truth because we get so caught up with our grief that we forget about God's promises.

Thank you also for speaking about--it's okay to be happy here even though you miss someone who has passed. My mom's passing is so recent that I know a part of me is still in shock, and then sometimes the reality hits me. This weekend I felt really good because I spent time with some girlfriends and went out to dinner with my boyfriend. Afterwards though, a part of me felt guilty for having fun. I felt like I should be grieving all the time. I felt like, why are you having fun when your mom just died!! I know your words are true though. You need to live the days you have left, and enjoy the precious moments life offers you. As we both know, our time could be up at any moment. I also feel now, like whenever my time comes, I'm okay with it because I know my mom is there and I will be reunited with her forever!

I think it helps me too, to realize that no matter how many losses we suffer in this life, our pain will never go on forever. The earthly world will end for us one day too, and when it does we will see everyone we have ever loved and lost...one giant wonderful vacation awaits us :)

Again, thanks so much for your posting. Reading your words helped remind me that others know what I'm experiencing, and that it's okay to live your life. It's what our loved ones would want us to do, and we will not be seperated forever. We just need to occupy our time until we meet again.

My sympathies go out to everyone who has lost someone they love. Lean on those around you for support and remember you are never alone.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2009 at 1:55PM
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Wow, I don't know how I missed these posts but they made me feel better after reading them too!!

Thanks and Bless you both on your journey through grief.

( Lost mom to cancer and brother to liver cirrohsis after giving care to both through the years. They were The only family I had on this earth God Bless'um)

    Bookmark   February 16, 2009 at 4:03PM
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I'm so glad that you feel a little better after reading these posts. I know that this site helps me tremendously also, as I journey through my grief. I know we are all going to have tough days ahead, but it helps to know you are not alone. Even if it seems like you can't go on at times, take a look around and I'm sure you can and will find something or many things to be thankful for.

I think the hardest part about losing someone is just the fact that we MISS them SO MUCH. I'm trying to remind myself that no matter when we lose the people we love we will never be ready for it. It's like a rude awakening that reminds us that death is real, and no one can escape it. I find that looking to God for answers and praying has really helped me. I know in my heart that my mom is in heaven having a wonderful time, and she is with others now whom have passed on that she missed so much too.

Until we meet again, we need to focus on the present, and the people we have and love that ARE here. For me, I'm starting to realize how much I want to be there for my dad for example. Not only because he is dealing with the loss of his wife, but because I want to enjoy my time with him that I have left. I don't want to dwell entirely on my mom's passing, and lose precious moments with those around me. We need to remember that no one knows what the future brings. Take things one day at a time, and truly value the friends and loved ones you have left, all while remembering and honoring the loved ones we've lost.

I'm very sorry to hear of your mother and brother's passing. Take comfort in knowing that you took such could care of them, and I'm sure they were so grateful. Also, although you are now left here without them, try to take comfort in knowing that they have eachother in heaven. I'm sure they are eagerly awaiting your arrival someday as well! That will be one great reunion I'm sure.

Lastly, please keep in mind that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Know that love lasts forever, and each day we have on this earth is one day closer to the day we will be reunited with those in heaven whom we love so deeply. Try to enjoy your time on this earth as I'm sure your mother and brother would want you to. Then when you get to heaven you can fill them in on everything you did while you were on this earth.

Take care and God bless you!

    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 12:43PM
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I think the thing that confuses me about the journey through grief is the "rollercoaster ride effect" it has on me day to day. What I mean by this is, before my loved ones passed I can remember knowing basically how I would feel when I wokeup in the morning and ending the day. But now none of that is true because I find now I have no idea how I am going to feel in the morning and sometimes I have to really concentrate when I wakeup on trying to feel good enough to get up, and half the time it's different one day to the next and hard to keep a pattern or identity. I never use to read about God and the bible before even though I was still a believer but now I find myself doing this alot and grabbing for strength of faith to help get me through these days. Thanks for your caring replys and I am Glad we are not as alone as it feels at times.


    Bookmark   February 17, 2009 at 3:54PM
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