It's been over 3 mths. now

marksfJanuary 25, 2009

Well it's been just over 3 months since my brothers passing and the grief journey keeps changing. Sometimes it surprises me how hard I am taking this, actually feels like I am an amature to hard times, but it's just the opposite I've had my share. I go to weekly griefshare meetings here locally and they help for the present but I still have many hard times by myself. I guess because my existance for many years centered around taking care of mom at home until she needed more and then supporting my brother at home for years after. We all lived together and started out them helping me from my accident back in 1997 when we decided it was economically sound to all get a place together and help each other as a family should.

Well being the youngest I never gave much thought to what I would do after moms cancer finally came back to take her and brothers cirrohsis beat us before getting him on the transplant list. Never allowed those negative thoughts to rule over my mind but I gotta say this is one of the hardest things I've ever faced alone.

Don't know which is worse, this identity loss of who am I now, or memories of rare weakness when I complained about taking care of my brother when things got rough. It all makes me realize how much I wish I still had them here now to take care of instead of this constant solitude and confusion about what to do. Age 54 seems alittle late to have such a huge mental change. Guess I am having a real moment of weakness.

Thoughts and Prayers to all who are grieving loss of loved ones.

Mark

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sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2009 at 1:45PM
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donnawb

I am sorry for your losses and it is so understandable to be lost yourself. You have been a caregiver and put yourself last. Now you have to make a life for yourself. It certainly isn't easy but take baby steps and you will get there.

Do something that you have always wanted to do and never did. Find a hobby. Join different groups to meet people. Go back to school. Find something that will give you joy if only for a short time and then one thing leads to another.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2009 at 9:35PM
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lisamelvin

Hi Mark,

Always remember.....you are not alone. On this journey, you may be alone physically but never alone emotionally. Coming to this forum after loosing my mother in August 2008 made me see that there are other people on the exact same emotional plane I am on.

There is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel any better but the support and compassion you will find here may be your line to surviving. It was for me.

It has been 6 months since my Momma passed and things are more different than I could ever have imagined. Some days it is still a huge struggle. I can say that time eases the initial breathtaking pain but it also increases the longing. I have come to realize that grief is the emotional price I pay for loving my momma so much and so I have decided to try to embrace the grief. My tears are the only power I have to show the depth of my love for her and how her loss has devastated me.

I also lost my older brother in July 2006 to murder. I had not seen him for a few years and his loss affected me totally different than my mother's loss.

Every day is a struggle but I try to remind myself that she would like me to honor her and not waste my days so I have been trying my best.

Keep your chin up, remember they STILL love you and only try to get thru the moment.

I wish you the best :)

Blessings to you,

Lisa

    Bookmark   February 13, 2009 at 8:45AM
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marksf

Thank you Lisa, and dd50 for your words of wisdom and encouragement. It does help to hear from people who are alittle farther along in their grief journey and finding the joy in their lives again. I think that's what God wants and expects from us to show our faith. Faith is something new to me also, and I must say I am trying to gain it and keep it strong.

Thanks Again and God Bless

    Bookmark   February 15, 2009 at 12:47AM
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