long...vent...Not seeing new grandbaby, nervous DIL
I am heartsick today.
I have one child/son I am close to in the army. I love his wife, and we usually get along fantastic. My hubby and I are fortunate enough to be able to help them out, happily, on countless occasions, paying for their wedding, a second car, etc.
They dated, engaged and married in a year, the army the next, and then, this beautiful baby immediately after boot camp. They are almost 20 hours from us.
She planned a trip while son was gone for weeks. At first, they were coming here for a week. Then, she was going to stay for 3 nights. She and her mom were driving the 8 hours together and staying with her sister the rest.
None of our side of the family had met the baby, and were all thrilled. I have a 92 year old mother, and this is her great granddaughter, very exciting. I planned lunch for family and friends 1 of the 3 days.
They got here just before bedtime, I spent the next day with her one on one, then the party. 3 hours into it, when folks were starting to leave with one friend on the way who left work early and had an hour drive, and my DIL decided she was going back to her sisters house. The baby was up all the night before and neither slept. (we never heard a thing) The night previous, she was complaining about staying at her sisters, how happy she was here, and how well they both slept.
She has been a nervous about everything, the baby, their dog, etc. She can be very controlling, demanding, and quite manipulative, telling you things so you will do something her way, only to find out what she told you is not true. This is a point of contention my son and she have.
I know this adjustment has been hard for her; she and I discuss it frequently. I feel for her, am always here, we have great heart to hearts, and I try to roll with the punches as they come.
In hindsight, it looks like she planned to go home early with her parents but didn't tell me until the time arrived.
My family got to see the baby for only a few hours. They are all older with ill family members themselves, and it is not an option for them to travel to her and the baby down south.
Her mom has 6 grandchildren and a car drive away. No one seemed to understand how devastated I am that they cut our visit short. My granddaughter was a gem with everyone, we are bonded and she is easy and lovey with me. I feel like I have been tossed aside, and do not know how to handle being kept out of the loop, at arm's length.
The baby is SO well natured, and only has times when she is inconsolable briefly, arching her back and obviously uncomfortable. Usually after my DIL, who is breastfeeding, has sausage, or beer, or something spicy. She says its not the diet. You cannot get thru to this girl.
This event has made it clear where my DIL feels I stand in the relationship, outside the circle. I know I have to handle it with dignity and keep the peace. But, my heart is breaking. DIL doesn't care. Her mom, a fellow grandparent, doesn't get it or seem to care, as it was she that encouraged my DIL to leave early, unless it was the plan from the get go.
How do I speed up my broken heart?
We are suppose to fly down to spend Thanksgiving with my son, DIL and baby. Part of me is dreading it. She is so on edge all the time, I almost want to cancel (which I won't). But, I am an upfront person, and do not like underhandedness. Its hard to not have my emotions show. I want our relationship to be a good one, and even if I don't get to see my granddaughter much, I don't want to walk on egg shells all the time. It seems it would be easier to shut the grandparent part of my heart down and only allow it to be active when I am actually with my granddaughter.