Feeling sad

movingonJanuary 12, 2005

Hi. I've been a a lurker around here since my father died three months ago. Some of the things that you have said to each other have really helped me in my healing process. I tried to write a few times, but always stopped myself from sending the message to post. I'm sorry for the losses that so many of you have had that are truely tragic. As a mom, I can't imagine the unspeakable pain of losing child. It seems selfish of me to intrude with a loss of a wonderful father who lived a long life and died after a tough battle with disease. His death was natural and expected, but there are days when I'm so sad. Today is one of them.

It is normal to be at peace one moment and in tears at another? I'm a middle aged women with a family of my own, and I feel silly that sometimes when I'm alone, his death has left me feeling a bit like a child. He was one of the few people in the world who truly loved me and I miss him.

Thanks for letting me share.

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Oh yes, this is totally normal. You don't mention if you still have your mother, but the loss of a parent changes your perception of life in the blink of an eye. The loss of the remaining parent leaves one feeling orphaned, no matter how old we are.

I lost my mother 4 months ago, at the healthy age of 82. She battled her illness for 9 months. Nonetheless, no matter how old the person is, and how long of a life they lived, we still mourn. At times I am incredulous: "How can you not be here, Mom? How can I be alone?" Now, I hasten to add that I most firmly believe in an afterlife and I have confidence that I will see Mom and Dad again. I feel their presence around me frequently. But...it is still not the same. I am happy she is no longer suffering, and happy she is with my father after 10 years, as she missed him so very much. Yet I am still feeling very much alone.

This is a vastly different grief experience than it was when my father died. At that time, I still had my mother and I had to be "strong" for her, so I stepped into many of the roles that my father had. I did this without thinking, as we were very similar in personality. I am also the only child.

There is no loss too small, when it is your loss. Come here any time and talk to us. We are here to be supportive of one another.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2005 at 1:57PM
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I understand the loss of a Dad, especially being a Daddy's girl. The father-daughter relationship can be so very special and we always knew that no matter what we had to face our Dad would be behind us. Like you, I can't imagine losing a child. My husband died in September of 2004; my brother in 1999 and my Dad in 1996. Each was difficult and each was very, very different. I know that when my Dad and my brother died I had my husband by my side; he was my rock. Like you, I read posts by others for a while before I finally posted. Everything is so raw at first and, to me, it felt too personal to share with strangers. But, as stories unfolded and pain was shared, I found that I didn't think of these people as strangers anymore. And when I started telling my story I found them to be compassionate and helpful. Some are always opening up their old wounds to help others. I dread the day I have to go through losing my mother and dealing with having both gone as lasershow mentioned. But it's good to know there is always somewhere to go to feel a little less alone. I encourage you to stick around; I think this helps me and I hope it will help you, too.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2005 at 2:48PM
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Thank you for the reply. I appreciate it. I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. It must be very difficult for you, it sounds as though you were close to her. I'm sorry.

Like you, I too believe in the afterlife. My father was a very good, very religious man. I was with him in his final hours and minutes, and was strangely assured of his eternal destiny. I felt certain of that his departure from us was to heaven. I was happy for him that he would be with his parents whom he loved and missed for many decades. This is what I try to focus on, but the sadness still strikes unexpectedly.

To answer your question, yes, I have my mother. To be honest, I'm quite sure she doesn't like me much. But, that's another story.

If you don't mind, I'd like to hear more about feeling their presence? How? What does it feel like to you? I'm wondering if I have to be open to that possibility or if it will just happen.

Again, I appreciate your kindness.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2005 at 2:53PM
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Oh Leogirl, thank you. I Posted a message and then read yours. I was definately a daddy's girl too. No matter how old we are, that relationship is so important, and I was so lucky to have him. He meant so much to me. I am sorry for your losses as well, and appreciate your kind words. Thank you. Raw is a great way to describe it. I thought I was getting better, but the last few days have been hard. Thank you for allowing me to share. I hope that I can be there for you all as well. You are all very kind.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2005 at 3:01PM
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Movingon - I too lost my father, in August. I was a daddy's girl. I miss him very much. The way he died, how he was so hopeful and fought to live, then was overcome and had to give up, it is all so sad. Sometimes I grieve as much about how he died and watching him, as I do about missing him. He was always so strong and smart, he knew everything. I was so proud of him. And to see him so sick and weak... I just never expected it to go this way. My mother is still not doing well - she is 78, and my siblings and I have little to say to each other. Being cooped up in the hospital together was more than any of us could handle and a "rift" is the result, a "rift" kept secret from my mother. It's all so sad and I feel so all alone. Most days I try to keep incredibly busy and not dwell on him, but that's probably not healthy.
I'm sorry I'm not being that helpful. I just wanted to say that I know how you feel and I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad that you have a support system in your own family, I don't know what I would do without my husband and kids. Hang in there.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2005 at 5:19PM
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Movingon, it's hard to describe how I feel my parents' presence. I think you do need to be open and tuned into it, first and foremost, otherwise you can easily fluff off any signs you may encounter. My mother and I were extraordinarily close, and I think she hung on for so long because she was afraid to leave me. In the months before her death, she had admonished my cousin to "watch out" for me when she was gone, because I would be lost. Well, I am, but I am okay. I have lots of support around me.

For me, it is often that I can hear (imagine?) Mom or Dad's voice in my head in response to a particular situation I am facing. For example, I've gained quite a bit of weight over the past year (call it comfort eating) and I'm struggling with that. It's almost as if I can hear Mom saying in her gentle way, "Try to lose some weight, dear. You'll feel better."

When I was at her deathbed, and she was in a coma, I asked her to send me a sign when she was on the other side, so I'd know she got there. The day before her funeral, my cousin and I were running around doing errands. We did lunch, ordered flowers, I had an eyebrow wax, and then finally I had my hair colored. As I got up from the stylist's chair, he leaned over and whispered, "You have a small piece of paper stuck to your back." I turned around...and there was a square of toilet paper stuck in the waistband of my shorts!! Was this my mother's way of saying "lighten up and laugh, I'm okay!"???

Then, in the early weeks after her death, I would come home and find that my clock radio was blinking. I've had this radio for 20 years and it had never happened before. This was occurring 3x a week or so. I happen to believe in communication from the other side and have read some books written by well-known and reputable pyschics. One of them says that spirits often communicate with us by manipulating small appliances....or copper. One night I went down to retrieve my laundry from the dryer and I opened the door of the drum to find a bright penny sitting on the edge. I just said, "Hi Mom."

Finally, one night I came home and EVERYTHING was blinking. Microwave, VCR, clock radio, computer had rebooted, etc. I looked heavenward and said, "OK, I get the message -- you're on the other side! You are REALLY scaring me now." It was almost as if I could hear Mom saying, "Well I just wanted to make sure you knew -- you know how you are sometimes and you don't believe me!"

And the "blinking" never happened again. However, at that point, I had to consciously "tune out" for a while because I was a bit unnerved. So perhaps there were other signs, but because I wasn't looking for them, I did not see them.

So my point is, if you choose to believe that all this is coincidence, you can easily fluff it off. I happen to believe it is not, I am open to communication from the other side, and that is how I feel their presence.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2005 at 9:32PM
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Movingon, I'm so glad you finally posted and I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad.
I have lost both my daughter 6 1/2 years ago and my mom this 8 months ago. This past 6 years has been a total roller coaster ride for me. It is perfectly normal. I also think that the daily hardships of life in general tend to have a lot to do with the feelings that come about when a person is grieving. Daily problems sometimes make the grief worse, and the grief sometimes makes the daily problems worse. Grief just isn't easy any way you look at it, and even though many people are grieving for the same person, each persons' grief is unique in it's own way. Eveyone has different relationships and certain issues that they have to deal with concerning the death.
Joanie, I relate totally to what you are saying about grieving for the way our parents died as well as missing them. In fact, I started to start another post on the topic the other day.
I also believe that if we are open to communication from our lost loved ones, that we definitely can get it. We have to be open to it and not just brush it off. I have had many, many, "signs".
I hope that you will continue to come here and hopefully, benefit from all of our experiences.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2005 at 10:46PM
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I lost my dad a year and a half ago to a stroke. I think I miss him more everyday. I too thought after reading some of the posts my loss couldn't compare. After loosing our 12 year old nephew this Thanksgiving I realized love is love and grief and pain are just as consuming at any age if it is someone you care about. Please don't let your grief feel insignificant it is an important part of healing.
Know that if we don't feel greif we don't know love.
Take care,this is a good site with some wonderful people,

    Bookmark   January 13, 2005 at 7:09AM
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Good morning and thank you all for you kind, encouraging and compelling words. I can feel you compassion in your words, and relate so much to what you are saying in so many ways.

Lasershow- Thanks for sharing your story about feeling the presence of your parents. This is so interesting to me because I didn't ask for a sign because he never gave up hope. His illness was long but the end came very quickly. Nonetheless signs along the lines of what you are describing are abundant, and were especially so immediately following his death. It's comforting to know that I shouldn't write off such experiences as coincidence. Thanks. I'm glad that you have these moments to comfort you.

Joanie-Your dad's story sounds like mine. The rift as well (although for different reasons, but the resulting estrangement is the same)I'm sorry for what you are going through and appreciate your words. The way it ends is an important issue. I'm the only one in my family who feels this way, but events in the final day have upset me as much as the result if you know what I mean. I beat myself up over things in the very begining, but I can't change them and I wasn't in total control of what was happening, it wasn't within my power or my place. It's very good and interesting point that you make.

Lu and Ronnie- Thank you. I appreciate your welcome and your words, and am sorry for your losses.

Your have all been very kind.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2005 at 11:00AM
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I know exactly what you mean movingon. Please don't beat yourself up. You are a loving daughter that has done the best she could in the given situation. I would have handled things differently, but I did the best I could at the time. The lack of sleep, lack of food, and just shock got to us all at the time, but I still didn't deserve to be treated the way that I was. Now I just struggle with forgiveness - when it hasn't been requested, I'm trying to do it for ME - and setting healthy boundaries. It helps when I think that the people in my life are just stupid, and that they did the best that THEY could at the time. I just don't have ANY expectations from them anymore and I do not put myself in any situation to be hurt. I have pretty much disconnected emotionally. But I think it's healthy - for me, if that makes sense. I'm learning to love all that I have in my life and not stress over the little things. I know I will see my sweet daddy in Heaven one day, and the people that hurt me - well they will just have to live with themselves. I did the best that I could and at all times, tried to conduct myself in a way that was pleasing to my dad - to do what he wanted and would have wanted respectfully. And we had special moments that I will always cherish.
I am so sorry you are hurting. You are at the right place. We know how you feel and send you hugs.
( Thanks for your supportive words Lu)

    Bookmark   January 13, 2005 at 3:28PM
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I've read with much interest all of the posts I could find that deal with signs. A week or so after my husbands sudden and unexpected death a friend showed up at my door with 4 books. One of these was by a medium or spirit guide - whatever they call themselves - who addressed the stages of grief as well as anyone I've heard and then he went on to talk about how our loved ones can visit us. I'll post the name and author tomorrow if I can remember to bring it from home. My husband believed very much in such things and I believed but was still a little skeptical about certain things. However, I now believe in a big way. Within one hour after I returned to our home from the hospital 3 light bulbs blew out with a loud pop. There have been other things: something falls over,or an unexplained smell that I can relate to, and the pennies - lots of pennies and almost always on tails. I watch for these things and when they happen I let Bob know that I know he's there. Keep looking for those signs and let them comfort you when they come. I'd like to hear more about this if anyone else would like to share.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2005 at 4:54PM
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Joanie, Your story reminds me so much of my own in so many ways. You seem to be doing a great job at dealing with difficult people at a difficult time. Keep your chin up!

Leogirl, I'll continue to be on the lookout for signs, and thank you for the insight. You've been through so much, I admire your strength.

I wish you both (and all) continued healing, comfort and most of all peace with all that you are dealing with.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2005 at 6:19PM
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My Dad was injured Christmas Day, 2000, and died New Year's Eve 2002 (after telling us "they" had given him a 2 year life expectancy, but not telling us who "they" was). My birthday is January 2, so we had his funeral on the 3rd, then my Mom's birthday was the 13th of January, so this has been a very melancholy time lately. I haven't had any signs lately, but a few months after Daddy died, I was sitting on the porch feeling very sad when a beautiful multicolored bird landed on the feeder in front of me. Having redbirds, blue jays, and lots of various gray and brown birds, this fellow really stood out. I later learned it was a painted bunting and not often seen around here, in fact I haven't seen one since, but I think he was a sign from my Dad. Last year, a few months after we moved into our new house, (we are out in the country and don't have curtains and our doors all have full length glass in them) I saw my Dad standing at the door out of the corner of my eye in his standard blue chambry shirt, khaki Dickies pants, and gimme cap. He had helped us pick out the site for the house before he was hurt, so I believe he was checking it out. A few months after my Mom died, I was up in their attic going through things when I heard her say something to Max (a dog) about needing a brushing. I thought my sister had snuck up on me as they sound alike, but when I came down there was no one around, and she didn't drive up until about half an hour later. I had thought it was strange that she would have been talking to Max anyway as he had died shortly after Mother did. My Dad was eerily intuitive and knew things before they happened. Although I asked him several times if he ever heard from Momma after she was gone, he would get really quiet, but never admitted to anything. I know several times when he was in the hospital, we would ask if he had any visitors while we were gone, and he would say she had been there telling him everything would be alright. If that gave him peace and comfort, we didn't feel we had any business telling him anything different. I'm a Daddy's girl, and I sure miss that feeling of knowing that there was always somebody who was there no matter what, and most of the time knew what I was thinking without any words being spoken. But, then again, there are times I feel he is still here.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2005 at 9:11PM
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