Many losses (long, sorry!)
When I was 14 my mother commited suicide. It was extremely rough on my sister and I. I had a very rough time getting over it, and I still cant even say I am over it. I still get angry with her at times, like when my sister got married, and when my niece was born. I was angry because she made a choice not to be there. I know when she did it, these things weren't on her mind, but she still made that choice.
4 years and 1 month later, my father passed away at work from a heart attack. He died on what would have been my mothers birthday. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks since he worked out of town. 6 months after that my sisters father also passed away from a heart attack. 2 days after that, my boyfriends grandpa. And just a year over that, his best friend passed away, as well.
So to say the least, our little network of support, is pretty broken. This saturday will be 2 years since my father passed. I have a hard time talking about it with my sister, as I dont want to drudge up memories of her father, but also my own as she and my dad were also extremely close. I can talk to my boyfriend, but while he understands loss, he doesn't understand what its like to be a 20 year old orphan. He tries to help, but more often than not he makes it worse. I feel bad for saying that, as I know he really is trying.
My fathers side of the family has been anything but supportive. They were all out for money from the beginning. They had a long list of how they wanted things done for the funeral etc, and I was expected to pay for it all. With no offer of any help. Recently there was a big to-do over the headstone. They had told me what they wanted done, I had asked them for pictures, but they didn't send them to me. I wasn't ready to do the headstone yet. It to me is the final step in saying goodbye, it finalizes everything, and I just wasn't ready. So they went behind my back and had a headstone placed. And my boyfriend REALLY angered me over this. He didn't understand why I was so upset with them. I was upset only because they made such a big deal out of having what they wanted done their way, and having ME pay for it. Then they didn't even ask what I wanted and did it behind my back.
All my boyfriend would say to me was "Well, you shouldve just done it, then. Force yourself and get it over with" and when I told him he couldnt say that because he cant say thats what he would do. And he told me "I do, I know I'd be like that" I guess he doesnt realise that when you lose your parents and become orphaned at 18, that you're not at all who you were before. Life doesnt just keep going the same as always after something like that.
Needless to say, I have a very difficult time talking to him since then, because I dont have the energy to fight over something like that, nor should I have to fight over something like that. I've tried talking to counsellors but they dont help much. I've been in therapy off and on since I was 7, theres not much they can tell me now that I havent already heard.
Im doing fairly well with my fathers death, despite having some major issues with anxiety and panic attacks. I've kind of learned to curb those myself. I do have bouts of extreme hypochondria too, but Im also able to get myself through those, too. But I still have melt down over the smallest menial things.
For instance; I inherited my fathers house, outright and fully paid for because the mortgage had life insurance. I also inherited quite a bit of money. A lot of it I would like to put towards bringing this house out of the 80s and into the current times. I had picked out tiles for the master bathroom yesterday, but when I went to order them I realised they were going to cost much more than I'd expected. I got home and had a melt down. I have such a hard time doing anything to this house, without wondering if my dad would approve of what I've done or not. I finally found something I felt comfortable doing, and knew he would like if he were here, and I couldnt do it. I just broke down. over TILES. I could plan an entire funeral when I was 18, but I cant even pick out wall tiles??!
I just wish I didnt have to struggle with the little things anymore, because they're the things that are still holding me back from completely moving on. I don't know what to do anymore.