Letter to my mom

loagiehoagieJanuary 30, 2008

Dear mama, it was 2 years ago today you left us to go to heaven with Jesus. While I try to be happy that you are now able to see again and are with Grandma and Grandpa and your brothers Mel and Freeman, it hurts so much to not have you here to talk to. I've only been up to the cemetary once mom, 'cause I know that isn't where you really are and all I do is cry there.

Yep, two years have gone by. It seems like just a few days. I have gotten a few of the signs that you sent telling me you are okay and in my heart I know you are, but I just miss you so much some days it feels like a ton of concrete is crushing me, my spirit, my soul and my heart. I don't cry as much or as long as I did in the beginning, but I still have my days. Sometimes a song comes on the radio or I see a house with big front porch like one you always wanted and it hits me that I won't ever be able to see you or call you again in this lifetime. God has some 'splainin' to do!

Being blind for the last 15 years of your life....you are and will always be my hero for pushing through that and always loving me and Cheri, Kristy and Dad. I know you fought with Dad, but I know you loved each other, through the squabbling.

I quit my job after you passed over. Those people wrote me up and suspended me for wanting to be with you that last month in the hospital. A year later they went bankrupt and out of business. What goes around comes around.

I started a pet care business and now work with dogs and cats all day. It's been slow the first year, but things are getting busier and busier and I have hope we will be okay. Laurie is Laurie. Working O.T. now more through necessity than just to have the extra money. I love her, but nobody will have the connection you and I had and I miss it ...and you...terribly.

Dad and Kristy moved in together! I hope you can see that from heaven! I truly think she felt guilty about not spending time with you and is trying to make up for it by helping dad, but for whatever reason it is best for him. He is really taking advantage of being fed and served. After all the years of cooking and feeding you he feels like a break. I can't blame him, but I can still hear you saying 'Don't you be feeling sorry for your father'. He has his eyes, 2 arms and 2 legs and he isn't crippled!'

I have to tell you something that happened when I was about 4 years old. We were in the dimestore and a lady dropped a nickel and it rolled over by me. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. She came over to you and accused me of taking that nickel and I remember what you said to her 'If my boy said he didn't take your nickel,,..he didn't take your nickel'. Well mama, I took it and why I didn't remember to tell you and get that off my chest before now..I don't know. I guess to say, I'm human too and although you thought the world of me and I could do no wrong, that's just not true.

I know we had our fights when I was a teen. You went into a deep depression when your mom died and you were suicical. I couldn't understand that then, but I do now. I have had thoughts of ending it. Sometimes life just seems so hard and I want to be with you again. I push those thoughts aside and try to get through each day one by one. I know God will take me when HE is ready and I should not be the one to make that decision.

Cheri found a man and moved in with him. You would be shaking your head about this one. But she needs a roof over her head and the rest of the family is somewhat relieved she isn't moving in with any of us!

Helen is growing like a weed and so is Micaela. Conner is about the same. Growing but not putting on any weight. He can eat and eat and not gain an ounce.

Paddy and Rain are okay. No, dad really didn't sell them for a video game. That was the morphine in your brain, but you sure were insistent it was true! Rain might be going blind in one eye, but the medicine is working pretty well and hopefully that won't happen.

Duke is hanging in there. He is 11 now and I am cringing thinking the end is coming soon. I love that dog so much. He is looking old, but hope to get a few more years out of that ole' dawg.

Well mama, I'll be talking to you again soon. I didn't put a remembrance in the paper. I don't know how much that costs and I don't just miss you on your birthday and the holidays. I miss you every second of every day. I love you mama.

See ya soon.

Your son, Duane

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lulie___wayne

Duane, your mom is lucky to have a son love her so very much. I hope that writing the letter made you feel better.
Sometimes it does help.
Lu

    Bookmark   January 31, 2008 at 7:17PM
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heydeborah

Duane

what a lovely letter to your mom. when my Al passed our Matthew (now 24) wrote a letter to his dad and had it put in his coffin, i jnow it was as touching as yours. i am sorry to say that the 30th was my birthday, and not a good day either. it is funny how different people are and how they cope, i go to the cemetery everyday, except for yesterday when it was -48 - (yes minus 48, you can tell i really live up north!). we will not be putting a rememberance in the paper either, i can just hear Al saying your paid $25.00 for a fee and 65 cents a word are you crazy, you could have bought groceries or something nice for yourself!
Again, Duane, you sound like a wonderful son!

debbie
way up north!

    Bookmark   January 31, 2008 at 11:58PM
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Bowdoin

Duane....
What a lovely tribute to your mother! Nice to see that some men aren't nervous about writing about their feelings. Talking is one thing, writing is another. Your mother would be (i know she is, up in Heaven) proud of you in many ways. I may write a letter to my mother when her "date" is due, which is rapidly approaching. Hugs are sent your way!
Emma in SC

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 2:41PM
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loagiehoagie

Lu, Debbie and Emma, thank-you for your kind words. They meant a lot to me. Yeah, I'm an emotional guy. I can't deny that. Heck, I cry at the movies.

Debbie, -48!! You ain't kidding about being up north. I'm outside Detroit, and it's cold..but nothing like that! Happy birthday too! Sorry it wasn't a good day for you. I'm at that point of not wanting to count the years anymore.

Thanks again. I don't know if it made me feel any better. Part of me died when my mom passed and nothing will ever be the same. I know you feel like that too, I'm sure. We all have our losses or we wouldn't be here. I hope everyone remembers the happy days and keeps the bad days to a minimum.

Bless you all.

Duane

    Bookmark   February 2, 2008 at 11:52AM
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jazzie

Duane,

What a beautiful letter.

I lost my Mother just over two months ago. I thought I knew pain in this life. But never anything like this. I loved my Mother. It was always there, just like she was always there. But both I took for granted at times. But now my love hurts and she is gone. At times, I too feel like I do don't want to go on with out her. I often wonder HOW am I going to make it with out her. The years seem long before me. You are not alone in your sorrow, even though, I know at times you must feel like it. I feel so alone in my sorrow. I feel like the tears will never stop.

Being a Mother myself, I know that her love for you will absolutely never die, it will endure through the eternities..

((Duane))

    Bookmark   February 3, 2008 at 12:33AM
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ciberdawg

Duane, That was a beautiful letter. I sure hope it helped you to write it. I am thinking of seeing if the library has the books you and several others have mentioned. I am missing my third day of work because of this stuff and I can't be doing this anymore or I will lose my job which I need desperately. Anyway...I am just so glad I found this site. It never gets easier...just a little less hard.
Take care, Ciberdawg
P.S. Congratulations on the pet care business. That sounds like a wonderful thing to do!

    Bookmark   February 5, 2008 at 9:36AM
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