Husband's mom refuses to love our kids, please help

jensnodemocratAugust 24, 2001

Hello....I married a Army officer last year, and made him the step-dad to my 2 toddlers. A year later, we had our own child. His mother hates me, and I can accept that. But she also refuses to let my kids come to her home, saying they get in the way, and she really should not be pressured into loving my kids, because she feels trapped. She even once told my 3 year old to NEVER call her grandma again. Please give me some advice!! Our baby is growing like a weed, and I want to include this woman in his life, but not if it means excluding my kids. Do I have the right to tell her if she wants to see the baby, she must realize that he is a package deal, and comes with 2 brothers? Or is it ok to tell her visitation with him stops until his brothers are included? My hubby won't help, so this is up to me. I would prefer not to let her see the baby until she realizes that she must never allow my boys to feel left out. Is this moral?

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tomsmom22

I am not meaning to pry, but why does she hate you? Perhaps you might be able to work on that part of the relationship first.

I totally see what a dilemma you have here. I mean, you don't want to deprive your baby of seeing his/her grandma, but you don't want your other kids feeling left out. I wish I had some really good advice to give you.

Would she agree to do things with all of you, if it were not at her house? Like, if you took her to dinner and all the kids were there, would she come?

I truly believe that you husband should help. I mean, he is fathering your other kids, as well as the baby, he needs to stand up for them, you and himself. Your MIL should not have all the control here!

I believe that I would say no to her just visiting one child, until she gives you reason for hating you, disliking them...etc.

Please let us know how this develops, and if I can help you out anymore, or you just need to vent feel free to email me. Michelle

    Bookmark   August 25, 2001 at 12:00AM
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EEWH_aol_com

What an awful person you MIL is. Your husband should intervene. sounds like my former MIL, a bitter, spiteful woman who screamed at my daughter for picking a leaf off of a plant

    Bookmark   August 25, 2001 at 3:10PM
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blhvn_nomlpls_com

This should not be your problem to solve alone. Your husband married you and your children, making you all a family. It's really his responsibility to be the peacemaker between you and your MIL. Long before this, he should have tried to help you solve your problem with her.

You can't make your MIL love your kids, nor--I'm afraid--can you 'make' your husband do the right thing in this case. I'd make an effort to try to invite her over/out to dinner often so that she gets used to your family. Maybe in time she'll learn to tolerate, if not love you and your children.

There is one aspect of this that you may not be considering. It's possible that she doesn't feel comfortable having your children over yet because she doesn't know them that well, may not know their medical histories, etc. A lot of folks don't like to assume the legal liability of taking care of someone else's children--and no matter how you feel about it, your children are not related to her.

However, in our family, there is no difference between natural, step and foster children. One thing you don't want to do is to keep your child from getting to know their grandmother--why should the baby be the one paying for this? You have to let the little one develop a relationship with Grandma. Keeping him/her away would just be compounding the problem, giving MIL more ammunition against you, and you'd be allowing her to drag you down to her level.

How about sending your kids to one of their grandmothers' homes when the other child is visiting your MIL. If that's not possible, I'd definitely do lots of fun things with them those days so they don't feel left out. Rather than talking badly about the woman, try to remain neutral to all your children--they will be able to see for themselves what this woman is like and make up their own minds.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2001 at 3:41PM
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wuk1_home_com

I don't agree necessarily that your baby should develop a relationship with Grandma. Grandma is obviously not thinking of your families best interests, and certainly not respecting you or your husband. They are only children, and deserve to be treated kindly. Shame on her for making your first two children to feel unloved. My MIL treats my first two children to a previous marriage very well. My kids love her which makes me love her too. Our third child is her biological Grandchild. She loves all three. That shows me that she respects my husband and wouldn't do anything to harm our family. Your MIL needs to GROW UP!!

    Bookmark   August 25, 2001 at 11:37PM
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jensnodemocrat

Thanks for the support, but my husband has decided to leave me, stating that his mom has loved him too long too bring her such misery as to staying married to me. He says he will be a friend to his step children, but his mom's heart is breaking over being a step grand parent. Can you believe that? Oh well.....my kids and I are better off. What else can I do? I asked him to please stay, but he says he loves my MIL too much to be with a woman she can't stand. My heart is breaking, but it's ok. I could not stand one more time of them on the phone, him calling her MOMMY BEAR!! And the last time they spoke, he told her he loved her 9 times in one phone call...then proceeded to tell her how much money we had in our accounts, our sex life, and details about every single bill we owed and what kinds of credit cards we have....just perverse details that she should not ever need to know. Thanks again for the support, but I lost this battle. Jen

    Bookmark   August 26, 2001 at 11:55AM
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wuk1_home_com

Dear Jen, I'm sorry that your husband is deserting the marriage, but to be blunt, He is sick!!! And shame on that woman for putting him in a position to chose her over you! It is easy for me to say that you are better off without him, but I'm sure this is painful for you and will take some time to get over. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2001 at 12:25PM
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Donna_44

OK, Now I am fired up!!
You are better off without this man (boy) and his controlling MOTHER!!
What a wimp! I thank God everyday that I had a teriffic MIL.
Your husbands and MIL relationship is a sick one. You deserve better than an man who chooses his Mommy over you and your children.
I am Step-Mon and a Step Grand Mother and I love my bio granchildren and step granchildren the same. After all they are all children, it does't matter who their parents are.
I am sorry this has happened to you, but with a sick realtionship that he has with his mother you are better off.
((((HUGS)))

    Bookmark   August 27, 2001 at 6:59PM
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sjohnson12_hotmail_com

Jen...Are you for real??? I don't believe a word you said

    Bookmark   August 27, 2001 at 10:26PM
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wuk1_home_com

Sandi, I don't think anyone cares whether you believe Jen or not. Sorry to be so blunt.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2001 at 11:36AM
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jensnodemocrat

Sandi,I am really upset that you don't believe me, but I won't waste my time being bothered by it for too long. Your not the one losing a husband over a 80 year old, bitter German woman who thinks you are a &**^& just because you had 2 children when you met her son. I was in love with my ex husband when I made these boys, and it never crossed my mind that one day I would be ridiculed because I created 2 children and then got divorced. I was hoping my current MIL would be proud of her son, knowing she raised him to love a woman despite the fact she has children from a previous marriage. You were not put on this earth to believe me, my dear! Just be happy your not going through this...and to everyone else that has wrote me via my eamil and this forum, you are all angels. Thanks for the support. Love, Jen

    Bookmark   August 28, 2001 at 12:55PM
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Mpasqual_spirint_net

Well now, good riddance to that man! Mommy Bear indeed. Yuck.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2001 at 1:10AM
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Julianna_nowhere_com

No one would devorce his wife over an 80 year old mother.
I think there is more than this going on.
I feel sorry for the children.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2001 at 11:06AM
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magan_canada_com

Jen,
I find it rather interesting that you first posted on Fri. Aug.24 at 23:42 midnight, complaining about your MIL that she doesn't like you, doesn't want relationship with your kids and told your 3 years old not to call her Grandma.

On Sun., Aug.26 at 11:55 noon you say that your husband decided to leave you (because of his mother not liking you).

How could you be so blind and not see that neither of them liked you for some time already. MIL knew that you will be gone soon and that she cannot love your children and your children heart would be broken if they would call her Grandma as she would not see them anymore. Your husband is just coward (or wise man) because he blames his leaving on his mother to avoid getting into it with you personally. it would be difficult for him to explain that you were not kind of person he thought he found and he simply wants out of it as peacefully as he can.

You have a big problem Jan. Your past and present behaviour indicated to this 80 old German woman that you are not good "family member material". What made it sure was that your husband was complaining about you all the time and she knew that he had enough and will leave you when he musters some guts. Thus, no need to get too friendly with you, especially when knowing that you are making her son miserable. Did he "have to" marry you? That wouldn't help either. It doesn't have anything to do with her "not loving" your two toddlers.

Please take some time and consider your past relationships with people in general. How come are you divorced already with two toddlers, marrying this husband last year and year later another child was born? Last year he married you and this year he is leaving. I am not saying that you are bad. I don't know you. However, you have shown that you have a bad judgement in managing your life.

We all fell for your first or second post, before we looked at it closer after you posted your third message. Please seek counselling to sort out your life and realize what mistakes you are making. Learn not to repeat them.

Give it more time when you meet next man, don't allow him to fall for first impression you give, give him more time to get to know you and more time for yourself to get to know him and his family. Also go for counselling for birth control and use it. When having a child, always imagine if you would be able to take care of it yourself without social assistance/wellfare or next man. Could you take care of your two toddlers by yourself? Now you have three - can you take care of them? For sake of your children, please DO NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN. You have three boys to take care of already.

I mean well for you and your children.
Grandma Magan

    Bookmark   October 2, 2001 at 10:28PM
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wuk1_home_com

Grandma Magan,
I was so upset with your post. Talk about judgmental! Maybe you should learn to not kick a girl when she's down.

    Bookmark   October 4, 2001 at 4:28PM
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AlexanderJ

Magan,

Although I can see your point about this loser using his mom as an excuse, I disagree with your conclusions.

This is not an uncommon mother-son relationship - I have even heard worse. Mothers raise the 'little prince' and in the essence of the little prince we can see the nature of his future family's distruction.

We have a whole nation of weak, stupid, self centered men. Thats what happens when mothers are not educated. They breed uneducated boorish children.

You know what a good mother does? A good mother accepts their child's choice of life partner once the ceremony ends. This woman would let one child call her grandma and not the others? These are your first clues that "Mommy bear" is a sick sick woman.

Jen, I don't know what you have against democracy, but I wish you the best. It must be tough now and I pray things ease up for you and you find a nice adult partner.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2001 at 1:13AM
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Suell_hotmail_com

Come on you all, this is a big farce!
Sounds to me like someone (juvenile)is bored.
This is one of the silliest posts I've ever read.
Don't buy into it.

Jen and Paula - divert your energies elsewhere. How about trying something positive.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2001 at 9:34AM
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wuk1_home_com

Excuse me, Sue. It seems to me that YOU need to divert your attentions elsewhere. For one, this is not my post. Second of all, I feel sorry for Jen. How about pulling your head out of the sand. There are lots of men like Jen's husband that are mommmy's boys and can't except the responsibilities of a family. Have a little sympathy for a woman who is going thru a bad time. Having a little compassion for someone else is the most "positive" thing a person can do for another.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2001 at 1:58PM
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two2u2_yahoo_com

I think Jens "story" is a farce also....bet she is stitting back getting a BIG laugh out of all of this....I know I am.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2001 at 10:43PM
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jensnodemocrat

Yes, I am laughing...and crying. Crying because so many of you were there for me..and laughing because so many of you have such pristine, wonderful, stress free lives, that you can't imagine what I must be going through.
I really did go through these things with my MIL. At long last, I realized that it was just as much my husband's fault as it was hers, and I have recently kicked them both out of my life.
Just one thing...to the lady who questioned my abilities to raise children, and to please not have anymore...
HOW DARE YOU!! I am college educated, and make more money then my husband does. I would have never had children unless I was willing and able to raise them alone, should he ever die or we go our own ways. Is it THAT unreal to you that I could be this responsible?
Lady, I plan to have more children one day, married or not. If I have the finances, I have the love, and I have the heart for it, I will have 15 more, if that is what I am so inclined to do.
And to all you people who do not believe me....well, you have that American right. There are thousand's of soldiers in a war right now preserving your right to not believe me...so God Bless you all. Jennifer

    Bookmark   December 3, 2001 at 2:48AM
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mary_s63

Jen, please email me.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2001 at 12:13AM
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danalynne

Sounds like to me, that your hubbys is definitely a mommas boy! :) Never seemed to break away from the teat. Anyhow, you should cut your losses, your are better off without him. If he would choose his mom over you that definitely is lame. Like I said : MOMMAS BOY! Anyhow, try and not to get bitter about this situation, and maybe do something nice for yourself, because this obviously is very heartbreaking. Take care ! :)

    Bookmark   August 20, 2002 at 8:10PM
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Melissa_M

I chose not to read all the responses because I formed an immediate opinion when I read your post. You and your husband should do what your hearts tell you to do. Pure and simple. If keeping child #3 away from MIL for the sake of the feelings of your other 2 children will help, then do it. Your husband is a BIG boy and knew full well that his wife came as a packaged deal with 2 sons before he married you. Now he needs to get that message across to his mother. Remember, if MIL hates you, she will telegraph this hatred of you to your child(ren).

    Bookmark   September 28, 2002 at 10:55AM
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tlescak

Jen-

You are much better off without this milksop panty-waist mama's boy. Noone should have to choose between their mother or spouse. His mother needs to stop living in the 18th century, I'm surprised she didn't expect you to wear a scarlet letter.

For all of you posters doubting the credibility of jensnodemocrat, why do you respond? At any messageboard you have to take a leap of faith as to the credibility of the post and take people for their word. If you doubt the poster then move on to another post and save your criticisms for the Bush administration.

    Bookmark   October 1, 2002 at 10:43AM
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mariend

I am so glad we live in the USA so we are able to express our opinions, right or wrong. Just think what our live would be like if we lived in many of the countries that do not allow free speech.
Hugs to all who ever you are and what ever you believe.
Marie

    Bookmark   October 2, 2002 at 5:05PM
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chrystaldahl

Jen, I do not believe you are telling us the whole story. Why do you think this 80 year old woman should have to be Grandma to your two previous children? You seem to be forcing the issue. Let MIL have a relationship with her grandchild. In time, if you don't force yourself and your children on her, she will accept you and the two kids. If not, then it's her loss. By the way, where are the two childrens' natural grandparents - maternal and paternal? Chrys

    Bookmark   October 12, 2002 at 12:35AM
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