My little sister is gone

perk2January 23, 2007

Jan. 10 my little sister,45 years old, passed away from a massive heart attack. There were no signs of her having any problems and was very active. She was my fathers caregiver and took care of all his needs at home. She died at home with my dad there. He called us to tell us that she "fell" and couldn't get up. He must of been so scared. She has left us so unexpectedly and now are dealing with everything she did for my dad. This past Sunday with heavy hearts we had to place my dad in an assisted living facility. It broke our (my 2 brothers and I) hearts but had no choice. Now we are all feeling guilty for doing this but it is the best for him. I hope things will be easier for us in the future in dealing with this. There are times when I am so angry with my sister for doing this to us and dad. Is this normal? I'm sure it isn't but dealing with the shock and everything is more than I can handle. I know I shouldn't blame her but deep down I do. I know it wasn't her choice and God doesn't make mistakes but WHY?

Thanks for listening.

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I haven't experienced anger at a lost loved one myself, but I've read that it's very normal. I'm glad you realize that your sister did not choose to do this.

I can tell you that it is useless to ask "Why?" or "What if...?" Life is neither fair nor unfair, and we won't understand the reasons for what happens until we, too, have passed on.

I hope you will focus on the gift your sister gave you and your brothers by caring for your dad for as long as she did.


    Bookmark   January 23, 2007 at 11:22AM
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I am so sorry for your loss.

As time passes you will find that you are not angry at your sister - because you love her-, you are angry at death itself and I too have read that this is a normal emotion. It will take some time for you to come to terms with all that has evolved because of her death and when you get everying in place and running well you will grieve for the loss of you little sister.

I was not angry at my husband for dying, I was angry at the cancer that took him and frustrated that they can't cure it yet.

God Bless you and your family.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2007 at 11:54AM
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Anger is normal. I felt angry at my dad when he passed from his heart attack..for not doing something more about his health, for not taking better care of himself atleast for my sake as I still depended on him at the time and lived with him. I was angry in general because I didn't want to deal with it. I was angry at the doctors for not doing more when he had his first heart attack. I was angry at him for not wanting bypass surgery. I know its a little different because you didn't know..but you still can't help but be angry, because it always seems like it could've been prevented, somehow. Even if it couldn't have been, theres always that thought in your head that maybe if that had or hadn't have done something at some point, it would've stopped them from leaving.

It's normal to want to place blame, even when there is none. You feel guilty for having to put your dad into assisted living. You weren't the one who caused these circumstances, so its normal to be angry at her for dying. But in reality, you're just angry at the circumstances. But its a lot easier to be angry at a person, than something thats intangible. The anger will fade, and some other just as equally painful emotion will take its place, and eventually in time you will get through all the horrible feelings and begin to come to terms with it all. Im very sorry for your loss, and I hope you get through this.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2007 at 1:34PM
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Thanks for your messages. I know I shouldn't be angry and I hope it will pass quickly. She was never sick other than the normal things, like colds,flu etc. She quit smoking 4 years ago lost about 40 pounds and was really feeling good about that and herself. We just got the death certificate today and it said that she died within seconds. Hopefully she felt no pain. Even as I am typing this I am crying my eyes out, I wish I could stop but I can't. I am so tired and worn out. I don't know which way to turn. Contacting and canceling credit cards, filling out 401K's for beneficiaries, canceling cell phones,internet, filing insurance claims etc. I just can't believe how much there is too do. My brothers do help but they both work and just don't seem to have as much time as I do.
I lost a daughter-in-law this past July and I thought I'd never recover from that. She was only 28 (brain cancer). It was a little easier with that because she also had parents to help out also.
Sorry to go on and on but it helps to have you all listen to my rambling. THANK YOU.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2007 at 8:05PM
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Ramble on if that is what helps you, we are here for you.

I lost my usband after 41 years of loving him and it is very difficult to go on without him. I have typed many of my posts with tears dropping onto the key board, tears are a good release of all the emotions inside of you. I hate that I couldn't hug or hold my husband because he was in so much pain he couldn't stand the pressure and I could only kiss him on the top of his head because his cheeks were sunken in and he couldn't purse his lips for a kiss. This is the kind of thing I am angry at, not him. If it is possible I love him more now than I ever did and I can't stand that I couldn't give or receive a hug before he went.
Now look who is rambling!and crying.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 8:52AM
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Oh, you precious ladies - I am so sorry for your losses! Mav, you and I have chatted briefly. Yes, whether you have time to 'prepare' or not, the shock is still inevitable - go ahead and yell, cry - do whatever you need to do - it is a process.

More than being angry at your sister, you are most likely mad at GOD, but can't admit it. HE expects that, so just ask for forgiveness and release your frustrations on HIM.

We are all here for you, and I feel sure you can email any one of us privately if you want to vent one-on-one. Hugs and love at this very personal time!

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 1:57PM
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Thank you for your kind words. Today was a little easier (I think). Thanks for listening.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 8:02PM
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