Missing my Dad

mmmgonzoJanuary 16, 2007

Hello to the group,

I am a new face here, I frequent the rose boards a lot, and stumbled acroos this message board tonight.

My dad died at the age of 62 in September. I had a "mild" heart attack, and was monitored, tested, released after a couple of days. He died suddenly 3 days later at home.

I miss him so much... and I really want this hurting to stop. I want to be able to remember the happy times, but all I can see is him lying on the floor not moving or breathing.

I have so much guilt. I work at this hospital and had every faith that dad was going to be ok. I trusted these doctors. I feel guilty that I did not stay with him more in the hospital (I did go sit with him the next morning after he had his heart cath.. ) The evening he was admitted, I got my kids home and settled. It was such a busy day the next day as it was the first day of school. After I got them to bed I went back into the hospital. It was past 11pm, and dad was sleeping. I sat in his room for 1/2 an hour. When he didn't wake up I left. Even though I saw him the next day for a long time, I still wish I would have stayed and talked with him-- he woke up shortly after I left and I could have spent more time with him.

I keep thinking why I didn't insist he get a home defibrilator-- maybe it would have saved him.

I feel on so many levels I failed him.

He was a great friend to me. He was my support-- I had great comfort always knowing he would be there for me if I needed him. And now he isn't here anymore.

I even have dreams about him, the other day I woke up thinking I needed to give him a call, and then it all came rushing back that he wasnt here anymore. The pain was so great I just started crying and couldnt stop.

What can I do to get past all of this? I am not a great fan of "talk therapy". Are there any books out there anyone could recommend?

These holidays were hard. I put on a happy face so the kids would still enjoy thanksgiving and christmas, but I felt nothing inside. I usually love this time of year.

I never knew losing a parent would be this hard.

I know him going suddenly was easier for him, but it sure is harder for those left behind.

My heart is breaking,



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Marleah, since you go to the rose forum, perhaps you know my story? I posted on the conversations side of the rose forum about my dad and his fight against leukemia, which was lost Feb 6 last year.

I know how you feel. I was with my dad almost every day for almost 9 months, and before that, it was at least once a week. Talking on the phone many times a day was something we also did. Breaking that habit was hard.

You can't turn back time, nor can I. The day my dad died, I had a doctor appt which took me away a "good" 3 hours. I kick myslef regularly for leaving because when I got back, he wasn't able to speak much or long. He managed to say I love you before never being able to speak again. I can't imagine what we could have talked about in the few hours I was gone.

I like you, were there for our dad's. I have 2 sisters; one living on the West coast that came out a few times when he was mostly in the hospital and weak; the other, she didn't return his calls and spent his last day going through insurance paperwork. They both have to live with their decisions; as I do mine. I put my own family on hold during those 9 months; but there were days when I had to deal with my family and not go to the hospital to see dad. One day was counseling for my daughter; she'd lost her uncle when my dad was 1st diagnosed, then right after Halloween my ex sister in law (her godmother) died suddenly at 41; so she lost both her aunt & uncle who were married. This particular day dad was at death's door & I didn't find out until later that night. The doctor called to tell me that he didn't think he;d try to save him next time :( By the time I got there the next day, my dad was sitting up eating pancakes lol

When you have kids life is hectic. Since you work in a hospital, you know most people having that proceedure do fine. You couldnt see into the future, and know that he wouldn't. You did manage to spend time with him. My dad even though he was sleeping / resting knew I was with him at the hospital; I'm sure your dad did too.

You're a good daughter. You found time in your busy life to sit with him. You really should have no regrets; I don't think your dad would want you to. I know my dad thought the world of the care I gave him those months; he told everyone how proud he was of me; and how much I knew about his cancer. Stop being so hard on yourself. Try to focus on the positive. Since you work at the hospital, you probably know that a lot of the patients don't have visitors all of the time. The doctors used to tell me about the difference my visits made; and how some people don't have visitors regularly.

You have to grieve, it's going to take time. The other day i found a pic of dad and lost it. I keep 2 photos of us on my desk and made a memory frame for this room; also one for each kid - their's holds a few of his momentos, my son has a watch, his lighter, my daughter has a little plastic frog he had in his car. I have no clue why this pic made me cry when I see these others daily.

Did your dad garden? Little things remind me of him. I'll be working in the garden and see a worm from his old house (they are visibly different then the worms down here - I collected them when we moved him down here) or I've been pulling up lilies & daffs getting ready to sell my house. Of course I'm digging blind & from memory. I'll talk to my dad while digging, asking if the sale is going to happen and if I'm doing this for nothing. Next thing I know, I find a jackpot of bulbs.

Christmas was especially hard here also. My dad used to buy my kids Hess trucks. I couldn't make up my mind whether I'd continue the tradition - especially since my 21 yr old son is very sensative & also had a close bond to dad - my dad helped me raise him. Since he never had a son, he was the apple of his eye. Anyway, my son couldn't decide on the trucks, so the Sunday before Christmas I asked hubby to pick them up. I decided not to wrap them, nor to make a "big deal" about them. I slid them pretty far under the tree. I was an emotional wreak. I went to the couch crying. All of a sudden I smelled my dad's breakfast - scrambled eggs with Hungarian yellow peppers. It's not a common smell. I realized he was there with me, he was telling me "don't cry". I got through the day knowing I wasn't alone. The next morning, Christmas; I put the CD player on. I have 5 CD's on shuffle, and even though it's on shuffle, it pretty much plays the same every time. This time it started with a song I associate with my dad; Blue Christmas by Anne & Nancy Wilson. There's 2 versions of the song on theses CD's but this song was the 1st to play. I knew dad was again in the house; and I managed to get through the day. Of course I cried like hell when the song came on; but after a good cry I was ready to face the day and try to have a decent holiday.

I think that once you slow down and allow yourself to see these little things; you will realize your dad is visiting you too. It's not easy, trust me; but we have to go on for our kids. I don't know how long it's going to take; I don't see it easing any time soon for myself; but I don't think my dad would want me to be down all of the time, especially in front of other people.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2007 at 8:02AM
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