Missing my Dad
Hello to the group,
I am a new face here, I frequent the rose boards a lot, and stumbled acroos this message board tonight.
My dad died at the age of 62 in September. I had a "mild" heart attack, and was monitored, tested, released after a couple of days. He died suddenly 3 days later at home.
I miss him so much... and I really want this hurting to stop. I want to be able to remember the happy times, but all I can see is him lying on the floor not moving or breathing.
I have so much guilt. I work at this hospital and had every faith that dad was going to be ok. I trusted these doctors. I feel guilty that I did not stay with him more in the hospital (I did go sit with him the next morning after he had his heart cath.. ) The evening he was admitted, I got my kids home and settled. It was such a busy day the next day as it was the first day of school. After I got them to bed I went back into the hospital. It was past 11pm, and dad was sleeping. I sat in his room for 1/2 an hour. When he didn't wake up I left. Even though I saw him the next day for a long time, I still wish I would have stayed and talked with him-- he woke up shortly after I left and I could have spent more time with him.
I keep thinking why I didn't insist he get a home defibrilator-- maybe it would have saved him.
I feel on so many levels I failed him.
He was a great friend to me. He was my support-- I had great comfort always knowing he would be there for me if I needed him. And now he isn't here anymore.
I even have dreams about him, the other day I woke up thinking I needed to give him a call, and then it all came rushing back that he wasnt here anymore. The pain was so great I just started crying and couldnt stop.
What can I do to get past all of this? I am not a great fan of "talk therapy". Are there any books out there anyone could recommend?
These holidays were hard. I put on a happy face so the kids would still enjoy thanksgiving and christmas, but I felt nothing inside. I usually love this time of year.
I never knew losing a parent would be this hard.
I know him going suddenly was easier for him, but it sure is harder for those left behind.
My heart is breaking,