No overnight visits?

dmissyAugust 17, 2008

After a rocky relationship with DIL for many years, and a recent visit from GD, my GD, is not allowed to spend the night? I have no clue why? I've dealt with the overbearing and controlling inlaws all these years, and all their grandkids, have stayed over. Now, my GD, spends sleepovers at cousin's houses. And that is the recent revelation. I said, You've never spent the night at G's, and she said Yes, I know, my mom won't let me. My heart sank. My son, was standing there and said nothing. I just replied Oh I see. I didn't want to start anything.

My GD and I have always been close....almost 6 yrs. old. And, she always called me Grandma, and the other, Nana. Now, she tells me, I spent the night at Grandma's. My son, questioned this name, also. He said you mean Nana's? As she had spent the night there last weekend. She said No my Grandma's. This comment from GD, just came as she sat on the floor drawing. I was shocked my DIL, even let me see or be as close as we were..and now, I am wondering if my GD is being poisoned.

Dil's said her dad pushed her down some stairs when she was a kid and called her a name. Now, she worships him and this is where it is okay for my GD to stay. I was single mom. I live alone and no boyfriends as to pose any situation that DIL would consider unsavory.

I believe, my DIL has always disliked me and thought this day would come long ago. I am almost afraid to ask why she cannot stay. I'd like to know what my GD is being told. I didn't want to ask in front of her especially. But, she spends nights with DIL's large family and never me. I feel hurt and like I am being treated like a villian.

My DIL's remarks when I go over to the house, is been all out rude. She's been snapping at my son, too. She's been this way for last year. I've always tried to respect her as a mother, but I receive none back. Her controlling parents are always there 24/7 plus the sleepovers. I was arriving the same time as her parents one time, and the mother runs across the room and grabs the newborn out of my son's hands. I am tired of being treated like dirt from her side. I know they've never liked my lifestyle, single, and working at a job that isn't prestigous. But, I wasn't the interferring one..

Not sure whether to say anything after all this time or it won't matter? It seems like my DIL, is inheriting the control factor, and she is using it full force now.

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Wish I knew what to tell you. I have a strange DIL but she is sweet. My son just goes along with whatever.They have newborn and she doesn't have a real mom but doesn't want the baby to be too tied to one side or the other...go figure.We've never been pushy in our lives and have 3 other GC that I kept for 6 years. I feel like you do...just plain invisible. son-in-law's mother is a terror about spoiling and trying to outdo everyone. Her son's a lazy jerk.
Saying something may or may not help...seems no matter what I do as a mother it turns out wrong. Talk to someone you trust in the family.I can almost promise you that silence is golden. If DIL doesn't like you now...she never will. It's sad....try to work out a visitation and then nicely ask why it's not allowed.. Play the sincere whether you are or not. Tell them you want to discuss it because you only want what's best for the child.
DIL rejects you..dust the dirt off your feet and'll only hurt yourself more...if you don't. Once these couples set a mind to leaving someone out..they do it...grandparents haven't any rights...the world's a mess. :((((

    Bookmark   August 29, 2008 at 12:11AM
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Thanks, jl. I have been silent since last two weeks. I had to get over the discovery of no overnight visits. I've found a new "calm". I cannot force this issue. I am officially stepping back.

Thinking, GD and son, will guide this situation. If they don't see past it, nothing I can do. I can't even see me going back to their house. I've resolved, to visits here only. The trust factor, is broken and will never forget. I cannot turn a blind eye to DIL's attacks.

Your right, so sad. So insecure. Using GD, as a pawn. The damage they are causing is far worse than any reason against me.

    Bookmark   August 31, 2008 at 2:51PM
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Hmmm...what's so important about overnight visits? My kids never spent the night at my mother's house and there have never been problems between us (except once when we went to an out of town wedding and the kids were all over age 12). Why should they when they have their own home a mile or two away?

I didn't spend nights at my grandparents house either, but saw them regularly and had a wonderful relationship with them. My cousins didn't spend the night at their grandparents house either. It wasn't policy or because of family rifts, it just wasn't necessary or thought of. And it didn't affect the relationship between grandparent and grandchildren at all.

I'm not sure why you would be upset; you can have a wonderful and close relationship with your granddaughter without overnights.

As for her calling her other grandmother, 'grandma', why shouldn't she? She is her grandma. I had a grandma B and and grandma K. It wasn't a problem.

I see no evidence that your granddaugther is being 'poisoned', but you may be poisoning yourself with jealous comparisions between yourself and your GD's other grandparents.

You have a close relationship with your GD even if your DIL doesn't like you. Appreciate that close relationship and don't go looking for reasons to be dissatisfied.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 1:05PM
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I think overnight visits are important in today's controled world. Children are no longer allowed to play whenever and with whoever they wish and need to expand thier scope of experiences. Overnights with the grandparents can be one way for them to expand thier experiences.

Here is a link that might be useful: Travelling and Cooking With Grandpa

    Bookmark   December 16, 2008 at 12:19PM
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chaplainkent- That is an interesting point. Do you have children and grandchildren? Would you mind saying a little about your over night experiences?

My kids have only been overnight away from their father and I once.

How do you see that over night experience being for the different people involved? (Kids, grandparents and parents)

Do you have a strong relationship with the the parents of children who visit you? That is really important to me as a parent when considering letting my kids stay over.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 5:07PM
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