Question for grandmothers(a little long)

cellarandJuly 24, 2002

Hello,New here and seeking some advice.My mother,grandmother to two grandkids,my daughter and my sisters son seems to treat our kids different.My sisters son has the best grandmother in the world my mom.She watches him all the time,he stays the night with her she buys gifts of love all the time for him and hugs and loves on him and showers him with attention.My daughter 2 years younger has a terrible grandmother in the world my mom.She has never offered to keep her and when I ask if she would like to she says she is busy and cant.My daughter has never spent the night with her.My sister and I lived only a mile apart so distance wasnt the problem.I plan visits a week in advance to bring my daughter to get to know her only to find notes on the door that she is sorry she forgot to tell me something came up.Me and my sister have been shopping with my mom with the kids and my mom has the nerve to pick up a toy for my sisters son and nothing for my daughter right in front of us.My sister and I both have simular incomes so money is not the issue.Its very hurtful at times.Even birthdays are like that.At his birthday he is treated well by grandmom with her supplying the party and cake,at my daughters birthday he is treated well again with a toy or two so he dont feel left out while my daughter has never recieved a cake or party by her or has never been bought a gift on his birthday.When we do get together its all him and she is constantly yelling at my daughter to stop doing that or this but when he does the same thing it is ohh leave him alone he is just a kid.At all the holidays its her who buys the costumes for halloween and easter baskets for him only.Again money in both households are simular so that shouldnt be the issue.My younger sister who doesnt have kids has noticed this behavoir as well,and we have talked about it.My sister with the son and I are close I dont think she even knows that It bothers me so much,but she is so super sensative to talk to I havent talked to her about it.My mom and I were never that close growing up so talking to her about it is impossible.My daughter is now at the age where she is going to start noticing it,How can I explain it to her and how can I tell my mom how this makes me feel?Sorry for the long post but I feel better talking about it.

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Stop going shoping with your sister and your mom. Tell her why. When she yells at your daughter, quietly tell her that you are the mom and you will correct her. Give your daughter extra hugs, and plan to move farther away. Start planing trips just for your family and don't worry about your mother "hurt feeling". Aparently your sister feels the same as your mom or she would say something. What does your husband say about this? Do not let her control you any more. Be yourself and do your own thing. If you wish to go shoping with your sister, leave your daughter with a baby sitter, OR let they know you will not tolerate this discrimination any longer. You take control of your life.
Been there and done that

    Bookmark   July 24, 2002 at 10:35PM
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Thanks for the advice,my husband gets angry and wants to say something, he feels I should stand up and say something,I guess I dont know how to.Im afraid it will only make it worse.Were going to try to spend some holidays away,it wont make things better but It will get us away from the situation and enjoy the holiday instead of me getting upset through it.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2002 at 11:57PM
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Why does your mother not like your daughter? Can't you just confront her and tell her to knock it off.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2002 at 10:06AM
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I have no idea why my mother treats her different,she is only 2.Any ideas on how I can confront her without making everyone mad?I want the situation to improve but I dont want to make it worse by telling her off.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2002 at 11:59AM
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You say that you and your mother are not "close." I think that it is simply a matter that she also does not feel close to your child. In fact, I think it would be unusual if she did.

Since you don't feel comfortable with the situation, why on earth do you keep putting you and your daughter in a position where you get upset? Stay away and let your mother make the first move. If she never does, I don't see that you have lost much. You can't make someone show affection if they really don't feel it naturally. All you can do is get them to pretend. Children sense that sort of pretense.

You don't mention how old the grandson is. That could make a difference too.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2002 at 12:18PM
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It is hard to know just want to do. You want your mother's love and respect but for some reason she wants to control you. It is a difficult situation. Maybe an outside resource can help such as a minister, counselor, to put things in perspective. Go on the holiday, enjoy yourself and have fun with your family. If your mom gets upset, just tell her that you and your family need some time alone. Don't take your sister, her son etc. Go to a fun place and have a great time. I do wish I had told my mom that this is my family etc etc--but as you did not want to make waves. It is so much easier to look back.
I really wish you the best.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2002 at 3:58PM
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My 2 cents worth, Tell her how you feel. If she gets offended good. You need to step up and speak up for your family.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2002 at 12:32AM
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My first thought was your mom wanted a grandson and that's that, but thinking back I realized my father seemed to think he had one grandchild, my sister's daughter. I have a son and daughter, our other sister has three sons. My sister and father had an odd, codependent relationship that I've never understood, she was always daddy's little girl and keeps looking for a father figure to fill the void now he's gone. It makes me wonder what kind of relationship your sister and mother have. I think there could be more to this than is obvious and there's a high price being paid for all those gifts. I agree, go on with your life and let them have their own weird codependent, control freak arrangements. Until they realize they have problems nothing can be done and you don't want your child exposed to it. Just my 2¢.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2002 at 3:31PM
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I would find the time to ask her why she treats the two so differently. Non confrontational etc. If she gives you the ole surprised "I don't treat them differently", give her a couple of examples. If she makes excuses, give it up, and don't put yourself and your daughter thru it. If you must spend birthdays together, bring a gift for your daughter yourself. If they don't like it, they can get over it. I agree that you should spend some time away from them at holidays. If they can't figure it out as to why you aren't there after your chat, you're better off.
Does you daughter have a good relationship with your dh's mother?

    Bookmark   July 29, 2002 at 5:01PM
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My sister boy is 5,he is the first grandbaby for my mom.My father passed away when I was a teen,many years ago, so its just my mom and her boyfriend of several years.He doesnt live here he works out of town and seems to treat both kids the same when he comes in to visit.My dh mom and dad live far away but treat my daughter the best,even though the distance keeps us apart they always call and visit when they can and send her special packages in the mail to let her know they are thinking of her.I wished they lived closer,she just loves them to death.She would be that way with my mom as well if my mom would just give her a chance.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2002 at 8:29PM
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Is your mother possibly the type who can't get along with more than one person at a time? Like would she have to be fighting with you sister in order to be closer to you? There are many parents that just seem to not be able to get along with all their kids at one time. Maybe that's the case?

I would talk to your mother. I guess you need to stand up for yourself, even if she does get mad. At least then you wouldn't feel so horrible and would be able to get some of this off your chest. Maybe you'll even find out a reason to why all this is going on. I have a thought as to why it could be happening, too. Is your sister more out spoken and will she stand up to your Mom if she did this to her and her son? My grandmother once was saying about how hard her step mother was on her about her weight and different things. My great grandmother never once said a word to the other kids or in-laws or grandkids. So one day Gran asked her why and her step mom replied, "Why if I said that to them, they'd tell me where to go!" So basically she picked on my grandmother because she could and because Gran allowed her to. Maybe it's time to stand up and do something. It may be what needs to be done.

I'm noticing some favortism in my fiance's family and it's really bothering me. Before I played it up to the fact that our son was around his Pap and Gram more but now that's not the case. My SIL and BIL have two kids, a boy, 6, and a girl, 4. Our son is 3. Before I didn't think much about it but now it's bothering me that I see that my FIL does more for our son than the other two. Like if we're there, he gets his 4 wheeler out and takes our son for rides, but when they're there, he puts it away or keeps saying, "After a bit." They also always have us up and step-MIL cooks dinner or we order out pizza but when BIL and SIL are there, they won't get anything to eat! I was really upset over it last weekend because my BIL was just shipped out for 6-8 months and it's the first time the kids and SIL had to be without him. FIL was having a party at camp and invited us all up and said we would be riding 4 wheelers and other stuff. Once they got there, he wouldn't take them. The kids ended up asking another guy they didn't know if they could have a ride. My fiance' was taking care of them and taking all 3 of the kids but FIL kept sending him to run errands. I want to say something but my fiance' said it won't do any good. His Dad has kind of always favored my fiance' and the other boys knew that. The funny thing is FIL doesn't like his one youngest brother because their Dad favored why do it to your own kids? I fear what will happen when we have another child because he may still favor our son over that child or like the youngest best.

Good luck to you.


    Bookmark   August 1, 2002 at 10:31AM
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