Update to Grandparents Won't Respect...and Grandparents Dogs!

tlescakJuly 30, 2002

This is an update to my previous posts concerning my parents' lack of respect for our rules and unwillingness to remove their dogs from the house when we bring our infant over.

I talked to my mother AGAIN about these problems because the first talk we had wasn't taken seriously as she left our house in the middle of the conversation and then returned all jolly as if nothing had even happened. And this is AFTER she made her point clear that she would not follow our rules.

So I told her that I really didn't think that she got the point that we insist that our rules be respected in both households. I was very matter of fact in my discussion and not at all condescending or offensive.

My mother left our house and has not so much as called in over a week. My wife called her the next morning (after she left our house) to ask if she would like to work on recovering furniture. My mother told her "some other time".

Long story short: My parents are not speaking to us. I have a strong urge to call my mother and talk to her but I feel like I am just falling into another power play.

My wife and I were the last ones to call but my parents have not called us.

I feel like I should just wait them out. I think it is a tragedy that she is missing out on our son's infant years, but it seems like this is HER decision.

My parents' are welcome to come see the grandchildren any time they wish. But it seems as if now they just choose not too because they don't like the conditions that are imposed on them.

What should we do?

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If you go back on your request on visiting rules, for the sake of keeping peace, then the precedent will be set. And they will never honor a request again.

You did the right thing in asserting your needs. Your children come first, so if they are missing out, it's sad, but you can't fix it. Only they can. Just keep making yourself available.

You say your parents aren't speaking to you. Does that mean, they haven't called you? Because it sounds like they'll talk if you call. Don't get into a "Well they should call first" mental battle. Just pick up the phone and call if you want to.

You assert the requirements, and keep making yourself available, and hopefully, they will eventually realize that you are doing what, as your kids parents, you feel is best.

It sounds like they (a) don't see you as parents, but still as their children, and (b) they want control.

Keep smiling, being assertive, and being available. And I'll say a prayer for you and your family. I do think it's sad for them to miss out on GK's life over this.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2002 at 1:07PM
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Boy, do I know what you're going thru. I have two children to a previous marriage, my first husband was killed. I remarried a few years later to a wonderful man that loves my two kids, and three years ago, we had a child of our own. Our daughter was born with Down Syndrome. She is beautiful and healthy. My husbands parents didn't react so well when they found our she was downs. They treated her like a sick child, they told people she had "a touch of Down Syndrome". Well, to make a long story short, we told them that we didn't want her treated differently than the other gkids. She is healthy and wonderful, and she need to be treated that way. They were angry and didn't speak to us for 8 mos. That was almost two years ago, and still to this day Alison isn't attached to her grandparents. We visit pretty often, but it is almost like they missed the bonding time when she was a baby and Alison knows it. I really hope that your mother realizes that building loving relationships with her family is too important to throw away on a stupid power struggle. If not, she will miss out on so much that can never be returned to her. I understand your frustration, but you can't make her resolve these differences. She made this decision to be angry, and she has to make the decision to get glad! You need to not be so hard on yourself. She's a grown woman with a mind of her own. Maybe you both just need a little distance right now.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2002 at 1:45PM
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Well my mother finally called and showed up yesterday. She was pleasant and none of our "issues" were discussed. I guess she made the decision that nothing will interfere with her relationship with the grandkids. Which is good.
My dad on the other hand is another story, but I'll have to wait until I have more time on my hands to discuss him. He's a real piece of work:)
Thanks for the replies TREKaren and Paula_W. They helped.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2002 at 9:19AM
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