New Grandchild anyday

cmcgaha2012July 22, 2013

We are blessed to have 8 grandchildren and a new granddaughter due every day. This last one is a bit different, in it my husbands youngest daughter, the baby. Her boyfriend and her have had an on-off relationship the entire pregnancy which caused her to move home a few months ago. We have helped her make a nursery, get things she needed for baby, make sure she went to doctors appt's and had vitamins, etc she may need. BF has yet to pay a copay to doctor, or buy one item for the baby. None of his family came to baby shower nor have they done anything. About a month ago the BF and her got back together and since our daughter has been staying with him at his mothers. He is 25 and lives with mom (divorced with 2 other children). She knows that none of her family "approves" of him but we have all made steps to ensure he will be around us and not pull her away from her family -even paying for them to go on family vacation with us.
The concern I have is that our daughter calls me for everything, every pain she may have, every question she may have as things get closer. I am thrilled that she relies on my for her comfort. Up until they reunited this last time, I was in no doubt going to be there for labor and delivery for her. Now she is telling all her family that she only wants the BF in room with her - my feelings are beyond hurt. First, I know that she needs someone with her that will encourage and help her and he is all about himself - he has no interest in doing what is right for our daughter. Second, we have done everything for this child, not that should allow of preferential treatment or was done for this purpose, but to see and know that the father has not lifted a finger to do anything for this baby - even now, 3 days before her delivery, we are at our house working on nursery, washing all the clothes, putting together bassinets, for him to be sitting at his moms letting her wait on him. I just feel like I should say something to her about my feelings but I also dont want to be stingy or cause her more stress during this last week. But - I also feel like her dad and I are getting tosses to the side for this guy that we all feel certain will be gone in a week -and I know our daughter cannot get that time back and will regret pushing her family to the side.

Any suggestions or advice?

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Yes stay out of it, it is her decision. You will only alienate your daughter.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2013 at 5:33PM
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This isn't about you. It's about your stepdaughter and her baby. Instead of reinforcing her dependence on you and your husband, as you're doing now, you should be encouraging her to cut the cord. For a start, stop thinking of her as "the baby." Whatever you do, don't take over her own baby from her, but encourage her to step up the plate and learn to be responsible for the child she will soon bring into the world.

While you don't think the BF us a good choice for her, she obviously feels differently and it is, after all, her life, not yours. He is the father of her baby and that relationship should rightly take precedence over her birth family. He should be with her during labor because that's the best chance he'll have to bond with his baby and come to appreciate his responsibilities as a father. Don't interfere with that process because you'll only be harming both her and your future grandchild's best chance for al family life of their own.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2013 at 10:59AM
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I think you've been answered harshly.


Just as a matter of practicality, don't give your daughter a position to defend.

If you let her know your feelings are hurt, she'll defend her decision to have bf there with her.

If you let her know you don't think highly of bf, she'll defend him.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2013 at 7:20PM
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