Grandparent help

kerodriMay 31, 2007

I'm in real need of some advice. My grandaughter is 1 year old and she and her parents live in the same town as me. I have only been able to babysit a few times. I am to the point of such desparation. I'm a very good mother-in-law, mother and grandmother. However; my daughter in-law seems to disregard completly my role as a grandparent. I'm not sure if it's her culture (she's Japanese) or if she's jelous of the realationship I have with my son. I've made every effort to show her how much she means to me. As an example, they have only one car and I have told them many times that I will come and sit with my granddaughter while she (my daughter-in-law) uses my car. She has taken me up on using my car but, says she wants to take my granddaughter with her. Even to OB appointments. She would rather the nurses at the doctors office watch my granddauther while she's in with the doctor than to allow me the time with my granddaughter. This is one of many instances. I'm am at such a loss as to how to handle this. I've tried talking to my son but really don't want to put him in the position of being in the middle of his wife and mother so mostly I just keep quite while my heart breaks. If anyone has advice I would so much appreciate it. I really am so upset about this.

Thanks very much in advance for any help!!!!

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I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you think it is your role to babysit your granddaughter. To me, a grandparent's role is to visit and be indulgent, to be visited and be indulgent, and to help IF ASKED TO and if it is agreeable to the grandparent. Babysitting when the parents need a babysitter-wonderful. I would have loved it if my late mother had been willing to babysit but she never was. Babysitting just because the grandparent feels they should be babysitting............I wouldn't have been happy about.

Deep down I think I would have seen it as an indictment of my parenting, though I may not have been able to articulate this. I certainly would tend to dig my heels in even harder in the face of constant requests and probably even not ask the person in question to babysit when I actually needed a babysitter.

I think you would all be happier if you could let go of the whole issue and simply take joy in the time you do have with your granddaughter, instead of wishing it was different. Let your son and DIL know you're there if needed but leave it at that. You may find that if you take a step backwards your DIL may also relax and be more forward about asking you to babysit.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2007 at 9:28PM
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You know, I think you've got some really good advice and in fact thought alot but just that thing. I maybe am trying to hard to be involved and need to step back some. Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I am going to let them make their own mistakes and enjoy their own successes and just be there to support them. Guess I needed to hear it from an impartial person. Makes a ton of sense!!!

Great advice!!! Thanks again

    Bookmark   June 1, 2007 at 12:39AM
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As a grandma, I love to babysit my only grandchild. Matter of fact, I watch her everyday while her parents work. However, I have to watch what I want to do with her on weekends. For example, this weekend I asked if we could take her to a Kids Fair where Barney, Dora, etc would be playing. Her parents decided that they would take her there..and that's wonderful! However, because I "babysit" everyday, I have to be careful and respect their weekends together. Most grandparents see their grandkids on the weekends, so we're kind of up-side down and I see her Monday through Friday and not on the weekends.
So, take a look at their schedule and respect it and back off when need by. If they really want a baby sitter, they will ask, believe me.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2007 at 2:57AM
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I love my grandchild more than anything in this world. He is my soul and inspiration. Since the birth of my grandchild, I have been the sole caregiver. Both parents have jobs that require long hours. I am disabled-physically. I have been watching my grandchild for 3 1/2 years. Sometimes, out of the 30 days in a month, my grandchild is with me 18 or more nights. I don't the pleasure of just spoiling a grandchild. I have to been the disciplinarian. I hated it when I raised my own child. Now, I have to scold my little one and reprimand them and give them timeouts. I get to witness the tantrums, screaming, yelling, and kicking. Whereas, the other grandmother didn't step in until the grandchild reached their 3rd birthday. She gets credit for spending time and buying items; whereas, I feel like a babysitter. Wednesday, my grandchild through a tantrum that words can not describe. I live in an apartment and things are easily heard. This child was screaming at the top of their lungs and I was worried that someone would call child services because of this intense tantrum. I never experience a tantrum this bad. I am suppose to have surgery on my spine and the doctor tells me that I can't lift anything that's over 25 pounds. My grandchild weighs 37 lbs. I literally can't leave my apt. for up to 5 days a week for fear that he will run from me and I can't chase him down. I am so frustrated and hating myself for how things turned out on Wednesday. I haven't slept because I am so distraught over the situation and I can't share any of this with anyone that is familiar with the families. So, that leaves me holding everything in.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2011 at 11:03PM
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I was wondering if someone might have an answer or some advice for me.

My first grandson is the apple of my eye. Both my daughter & son-in-law work full time & the baby is in full time day care. What I do not understand is how they can take a day off of their jobs and STILL put the baby in daycare. Yes, I know they pay for it - but - if they need a mental health day, what about my little sweetheart? The little one is showing signs of separation anxiety and it breaks my heart. I can't tell you how much I cry over this.

I would watch him if they'd let me, but their answer is 'he's doing so well and they want him to keep to the schedule.'

    Bookmark   January 23, 2012 at 12:30PM
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This is one of those situations that you realy have no control over. It's their baby and they'll do what they think best. You would be far better off, IMHO, not to express you opinion to them because it will just cause resentment.

It would be different if the child were not being well cared for, but it seems he is. Separation anxiety is a typical stage of development that most kids go through and in itself is nothing to be overly concerned about. So you should try to control your anxiety and instead think positively about how great it is to be a grandmother.

It would be nice for all of you if it could be arranged for him to spend a occasional day with Grandma, but you need to pitch this in a way that doesn't make you seem critcal of them. Present it to them as a bonding opportuntiy for both of you. It is important for kids to get to know and love their other close relatives and they need to spend some quality time together for that to happen.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   January 28, 2012 at 6:19PM
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I have a question but I don't know where to post it...can anyone help?

    Bookmark   February 2, 2013 at 3:36PM
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If you want to start your own thread, on the main page of this forum (assuming it's a grandparenting question you want to ask, otherwise go to the correct forum from the Home Forums page), scroll to the bottom and fill in the boxes just like you did to post this follow up. It's best to think of a subject title that will impart understanding, like "My grandchild hates me" or "what name should my child cal his grandmother?" and _not_ "Question" or "Help needed".

    Bookmark   February 4, 2013 at 6:27AM
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