No light at the end of the tunnel.

ecinicolaApril 30, 2002

Daughter has messed her life up on drugs,worthless men,and nightlife and she's 40 yrs old. She has a 13 yr old that I had to take into my home due to drugs and boyfriends.I am 65 and having a very difficult time raising another child phyiscally and financially,but I am doing it somehow. She also has a 2 yr old, that I simply can not rescue...and my daughter is about to loose this child. My daughter has gone down to the bottom financially and constantly has debts she shouldn't have, such as driving on suspended license fees,etc etc. She had nowhere to live,due to unable to make enough to pay rent fees,and I am blessed with her in my house which she will not follow my house rules.Drags in late at night....won't clean up after herself..runs up my bills washing clothes,drying them. No consideration for me and obviously no respect or graitude.....and yet here I am stuck taking care of 40 yr old Mother,her two children and I can't even retire or take a vacation or get cataract surgery taken care of. My daughter certainly isn't one I could ask for help,and nor would she offer. We do not get along because of how she has done me,her children and herself.......but mostly how she does her children and me.

I think a curse was put on me.........can anyone help get this curse off so I can see a light at the end of this tunnel.....I see no hope and no light. Thank you.

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Gwen213

Sounds to me like you need to give the daughter an choice, " clean up her life or get out". Tell her she can not stay at your house a day longer until she goes threw a treatment program and has a job. As far as her children go I'm not sure where you live but where I come from Child and Family agencie can help you out. They can either place the children in foster care and you would still be able to see them when you want or they can provide respite for you. I sympothize with you 65 is not the age you want to start raising children again. Kick her out you will be doing her a favor if she has no where to go treatment centre might look good. At 65 you should be enjoying your life.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2002 at 7:15AM
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lindac

You need to change the locks on the door, get legal custody of at least your 13 year old grand daughter and tell your daughter she doesn't live ther any more....until she has been clean and earning her own way for at least 6 months.
It's called tough love....and frankly...you should have done it years ago She has a place to live, food to eat someone to pick up her clothes and someone to take care of her kids.....why would she change her ways? She has to realize consequences of her actions before she will straighten up.
Linda C

    Bookmark   May 1, 2002 at 10:51AM
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HelenofMich

Do you have any family or friends in the area that could either help you confront her or give you the emotional support you need right now? Is there a social worker involved(since you state she is about to lose her two year old). You might contact that person and see what your options are, too. Also, the social worker would know of treatment centers in your area for your daughter. Once you have a little more information, you might find the strength to get her out of your house. Do not let her back in! In giving her a free place to live, you are actually helping her continue in her distructive lifestyle. I would contact people as above, Gather your information and form a plan as to where the two year old will go, what to tell the twelve year old and when to tell your daughter to leave or go into treatment. Make up your mind and then stick to your plan. You have to act strong even if you don't feel it. Even practice what you are going to say, to get more secure in it before you act. You have to act before that 12 yr old begins the rebelliousness of the 13 year old and you have added conflict in the house..............Do you belong to a church? You can find strength there. If you don't belong to one, find one that you think you'll be comfortable in, and go! You need to gather strength in any place you find it........something else I should have thought up first. Look up Alanon groups in your area, eiher on line or the phone book or directory assistance. This is for people who are affected by the alcoholic drinking of another person. It's to give you support and help and it's wonderful for someone as down as you are. You will see the light the end of the tunnel after the first meeting!...........Also please post and let us know how you do!

    Bookmark   May 1, 2002 at 11:01AM
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JTHouston

You might want to consider Lindac's suggestion of tough love. You may be enabling her to continue with her disfunctional life style. With a place to live, no rules that she follows and you to take care of her there does not seem to be a motive for her to clean up her act.

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2002 at 12:05PM
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Arkansasgardenboy

Will she listen to you at all? If she will not listen to what you are presenting proceed to assistance from other agencies. It is your home. As long as she is there, she should abide by your rules, if not, she has to make it on her own. Do what you can for the children, but let her know she will have to go, if she does not abide by your rules.
Let others know your situation, governmental agencies, pastor, friends ,etc. and ask for assistance. Someone will be willing to help you.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2002 at 6:54PM
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ecinicola

Thank you everyone for your replies,and extremely good advise. I read each & every one. It is true,that my daughter staying here is only enabling her. I have kicked her out of this house numerous times,and she keeps begging her way back in. This time is the last straw.No More help to her from me. She is already under Family Services case plan..and the court has put custody on me......but all these things tend to make hardship & added problems to me. I don't want custody.I don't want to raise more children.The 13 yr old I don't mind as much as the 2 yr old. The 13 yr old is helpful to me and is a super good girl...I doubt she will ever live with her mother again,because she has roots here at my house and stablity and loves it.Her Mother is aware of her not ever having this child live with her again....too late for that. My daughter has gone to counseling and thats a joke. The couselors don't follow through on anything. The State agencies actually tend to make the situations worse instead of better. Dealing with them as I have been, I am pretty fed up with the system...they aren't helpful at all.They do things that don't even fit the situation at all or that are even necessary or that will even help. I thought that this was the way to go also,but I made a mistake. Once the State gets in your life,its hell. They even offered me financiall assistance and then said I wasn't eligible...they are so unprofessional,and screwed up. So, here I am fighting this situation on my own. It seems to be getting somewhat better,but not totally as it should be yet.
My daughter appears to be putting forth a effort and trying now,but alot of water has gone over the bridge and there is tons that she has to amend......don't know if she can...alittle to late. I get where I just want to be "FREE" and run off at times. Again let me thank all of you for your sound advise. I am going to work on some of the things mentioned in replies and hopefully that will help./

    Bookmark   May 4, 2002 at 11:53AM
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phyllis_philodendron

Is there another close relative the 2 year old can go with? I would rather see, in my opinion, him/her go with a relative than foster care. But I can understand how at 65 this wasn't exactly what you had bargained for.

I agree wholeheartedly that state agencies usually make the problem worse. The worst case scenario is that your daughter could get the children back - including take the older one away from you - and I'm sure you don't want that.

I wish you good luck.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2002 at 12:48PM
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tlescak

By letting your daughter live with you you are enabling her behavior. It is only after her support system (you) is pulled out from under her and she hits rock bottom that she will see what a sorry state her life has become.
PUT HER OUT! She may never speak to you again or she may realize that she was wrong. Either way you are right.

Also, TAKE A VACATION, do something just for you. I'm sure you can't afford a trip to Bermuda if you're worried about the electrical bill, so choose an inexpensive vacation. Go one town over to an attraction you have been wanting to see like gardens or a museum, whatever interests you. Stay in a Days Inn or Econolodge for one night if you can afford it. Lounge by the pool, close your eyes and imagine being in some exotic retreat. And don't take your Grandkids, go with a good friend if you have one, if not go alone. Just get away for a while.

I don't know what to tell you about custody of your Grandkids other than follow your heart but let your head lead the way.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2002 at 3:49PM
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Brooklyn_Girl

Here in California, there is a group called " Tough Love". One of my dearest friends belongs to it. She has had trouble with a grown son who is a drug user. The support she has received from them has given her strength, that I never knew she had.

If you can find a group like this, I know it would help you to make the tough decisions that this situation requires.

Good luck to you during these very trying times.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2002 at 12:06AM
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