Emotional Blackmail

NEIL53April 22, 2002

Dear all, Can anyone give us some advice please?

Our Daughter has fled the family home with two young children(4and 5yrs) due to a violent husband.

They fled to our house for safety.

Our Daughter then allowed them to see Daddy for a full day.

NOW the fun starts, the children Hate Nana and Grandad and Mummy, they want to stay with Daddy and his parents. They have, according to them a bigger house, a bigger garden and a promise of many toys and days out.

We, for the last five years, have looked after them,taken the eldest to school and picked him up afterwards, picked up the youngest from nursery etc, so that Mummy could carry on working as a Nurse. Daddy on the other hand wanted us to have them on weekends so that he could spend all the time with his friends in the pub or nightclubs untill the early hours in the morning and did'nt want(it now transpires) them to see him punching Mummy.

We are at our wits ends now because as i said before they now, after spending time with Daddy(something they have never done before), unless you count a trip to the pub in the playground.Turned against us. I quote, Daddy says we have to tell you we hate you, you are not nice people.

The eldest child, after seeing his Mother abused so often believes that is the way Mummy's and Daddy'y behave and it is ok to hit people to get your own way.

Advice please.

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First, does she have either medical documentation or calls to the police to back up the abuse? She should. 2nd: 4 & 5 year olds do not have the option of saying who'll they will live with(in my opinion) and that should not even come up as an option of something they can choose. They should be told that as young as they are, they have to stay with their mother. They need to know that you want them and will fight to keep them( they sound confused and need to know you won't abandon them to their father, no matter what he puts in their head). If they push, tell them that when they turn 10 yrs old, they can then go live with their father.Also, explain that hitting anyone is a bad thing and mommy was afraid. He may also turn to hitting them. Check into the legalities, make him only have supervised time with them(She should not have told him where she was going to stay). In the US, we have 'safe houses' where abused wifes and children can stay until they can get state aid to live on or to make the trail to them too cold for the husband to follow them. She needs to be real careful, he could steal them and disappear with them

    Bookmark   April 22, 2002 at 6:37PM
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He could steal them, He could also abuse them. Without Mom there to take the punches it could be the children that have to take them. I would certainly look up the statistics on that and the Father would never have an unsupervised visit. Abusers abuse. It wasn't your daughters fault she was beaten and it won't be the children's fault when they are beaten. An abuser will place the blame where ever he wants so he has a convenient punching bag.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2002 at 12:24AM
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This is the worst way for a family to break up - by poisoning the children with the adults' own hatred. Get those children some couselling. They are now caught between a rock and a hard place. Dad should not be telling them to hate anyone. They want to love and please mum and dad both, and both sets of grandparents as well, but they are being told different things from different sides. They must be very confused and they need help to sort out their feelings.

Good luck and God bless.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2002 at 1:32PM
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What are the rules?? As long as I put my feet under my daddy's table I had to follow the rules....Same applies to my children. Some how all of our children left home when they finished high school to go to college. Middle daughter has said, "some parents don't close the door fast enough when kids should be leaving home".
Sounds like a blessing if your grandchildren would have good parents to go home to. If they have abusive parents then I would be checking that out.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2002 at 7:33PM
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