MartinaMarch 15, 2006

Hi, I'm hurting very bad in my heart and I think its making me sick. I have a small grandson of 2. I took care of him alot since birth. Not everyday but alot on weekends when my daugher wanted to go out for exampel from 8pm - 2am at her house to make it easier for the baby. Then I had him every time when he was sick or she had an appointment, even know I had a job too. He then was sent by his mother, my daughter to daycare, and this was very hard for him. He cried alot. I talked to my husband and I quit my job and was hoping to pick him up every day at noon from daycare and bring him home with me. We live in a small town. He was happy but she complained because he would not sleep right away or not enough when he came to my house and made a fuss at home, because he was tired then. She started a new job and is working full time now. Our agreement was, that I would babysitt for her on weekends and that she would let me pick up the boy from daycare at noon, because I don't want him going all day from 7am - 5:30pm. I kept my promise and babysit for her so she could go out. I admit I had a hard time staying up until 2 am and there were times I complained about her going out on weekends or just going out to much. In the mean time I bought a nice stroller so I could pick up my grandson from daycare. I also bought alot of toys, swimmwear and gardenstuff, for him to help me in the garden. I was looking forward going hiking and biking with the boy and taking him swimming. When the time came and I wanted to pick him up, she said NO, he would be better off in daycare at least she would be sure he gets his sleep and is not fuzzy at night when she gets off work. This breaks my heart so much. But she only says, she talked to her counsler about this and was told that daycare is good for him and that she needs to go out. She is avoiding me and hasn't called in a while. But I know she will one of these days when she wants to go out. What shall I do? Continue to babysit on weekends until 2am so she can go out and have fun? If I say no I might never see my grandson again. To be honest I don't want to babysit for her on weekends any time, so she can go out. I only want to help my grandson. Am I being selfish? Someone please help me here.

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Martina, I wish there were something I could say or do to make your situation better. You ask if you're being selfish. That word has a negative connotation, but caring for one's self is usually not a bad thing. After all, who else knows our needs better than we do? For you to want some (undoubtedly) decent sleep hours is not unreasonable at all.

I babysat (really, practically raised) my 9-year-old grandson until my daughter married and moved away last year.

I let my daughter use and verbally abuse me because if I didn't cater to her, I would not have seen my grandchild.

Your daughter sounds like mine in her self-absorption.
Perhaps she's also like mine in another way. My daughter has a lot of anger toward me because years ago I was ill and also because of my relationship with her father.

You don't have to tell me - but you might think about the possible reasons your daughter is angry with you. You say that she is in counseling. I wonder what she is telling the counselor that makes that person recommend full-time daycare, rather than having a loving grandmother care for the child. Is there a chance that you could go to the counselor with her? Maybe there are some issues that could be aired and resolved.

My heart is breaking over my own separation from my beloved grandson and the fact that his mother won't even let us talk on the telephone.

I hope that your problems will work themselves out soon.
Take care. Take heart.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2006 at 7:06PM
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Hi Crabby Patty. Thanks for your reply. I was not online for a few days due to computer problems. Today I found your message. Thanks again. My daughter is mad at me for alot of reasons. She says that I'm not dependable because I could not babysit for her on some weekends when she had a new date because I was sick with the flu. She is mad at me because I wrote a letter to the judge, saying please don't take her daughter away, she loves to live with her mother. She blames me for losing custody because I wrote a pleading letter to the judge. She is angry at me and the hole world and doesn't care about anyones feelings anymore. She brings guys in and out of her house, all types, all year round. I feel for you, seems you're almost in the same situation as I am. I'm tired of playing her little games and I want to seek legal advise by a laywer, seing if I can get visitation rights. Maybe I can have my grandson half days without having to ask my daughter. I'm not sure about the law but I'm going to give it a try. It is so sad that your daughter not let you visit with your grandson,not even on the phone. His cries for me are hunting me day and night. Take care. I feel for you.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2006 at 8:09PM
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You are welcome, Martina. Our daughters do sound alike in their anger.

I've thought a lot about my situation and realize it is out of my hands. The only thing I can do is pray. Pray for my grandson to remember how much I love and miss him. Pray for my daughter to release her anger and gain some insight and wisdom.

I wish you luck and hope that you'll be able to once again be with your grandchild.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2006 at 1:12PM
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Its terrible that your daughter would even think of depriving your grandson of one of the most important relationships in his life.
As far as legal help.. i'm not what state you live in but in most states you can go right to the family or superior court and pick up a packet to fill out to ask the judge to order that you be granted your grandparents rights.
They usually will especially since you have been a part of his life from the beginning and that would be detrimental to his well being to sever that relationship at this point.
Most judges are very willing to give the grandparents specific days ..sometimes entire weekends or a week with the child every month.
I know the judges here in Arizona are awesome when it comes to grandparents and children.
You can call down to the court clerks office and ask them how to petition for grandparents rights and visitation.They will know exactly what you need to do and the paperwork is very easy and straight forward.
There is no reason in the world why you or your grandson should only be allowed to have time together when his mom wants to go out,regardless of how she feels about you,that is wrong and I'm sure that the right judge will impress that upon her.
Good luck with your grandson..

    Bookmark   March 25, 2006 at 5:56PM
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Dear Grammykitty, I thank you so much for your advice. I made notes to take with me, because sometimes I cannot find the right words when it comes to legal matters. I was not online for a while and just saw your mail. Now I have something to go by. Thanks again.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2006 at 11:25AM
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I hope your daughter is still in counseling. Your daughter is trying to be happy. Over time she may be able to resolve some of her anger, etc. In the meantime, you need to respect your daughter's decisions. If your daughter is in counseling--she may be learning to be assertive--and learning to be assertive with you and others, and depending on herself more. Don't give her a hard time. She is in a process. Help her by respecting her decisions.

Show your daughter what it means to respect herself by respecting yourself and some boundaries that you have. Let your daughter know what time you will babysit until, and don't back down. If your daughter does not respect the boundary you have put in place, then let it be you who doesn't babysit again until she can respect your wishes. You quit your job so that you could be part of a solution to a cituation. Your daughter may feel some guilt about that--and you may be feeling some resentment that it didn't turn out the way you had planned. Resolve yourself to the fact that your daughter is in charge of her life. She is learning to be in charge of her life. Go back to work. Don't be so quick to handle your daughter's problems. Be happy.

Don't be making the rift between you and your daughter worse by trying to see your grandson more through legal avenues. That's just awful.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2006 at 12:02AM
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Martina I just saw this today and had to reply. My grandson is 4yrs old and I have daycared him since birth. Sometime between the age of 2 and 3 my daughter got angry at me and said she was just going to put him in daycare. This was because I got annoyed that at 2pm she said she was on her way and at 7pm she wasn't here and I couldn't get in touch with her. All I said was I expect to be notified. I don't mind watching him 24hrs a day. But when she said she was coming I made plans to go out to dinner with friends. I had to change all my plans and now had to cook dinner. She had the nerve to get angry at me and in spite tell me this wonderful piece of news at 8pm when she picked him up and I was annoyed. I called her on her cell and told her the following: "He is your son, you can do what you want. If you think it best for him to be in daycare and not see me then do it. Will, I be upset, will I be hurt, will I cry.........YES. But I will survive. I survived when your father died and I will surive if you take my grandson from me but you will not manipulate me through him. You will not threaten me ever again and never will you use him as a pawn. I love that boy and will care for him 24/7. But I have a life and will not be used and disrespected. If you say you are coming at 2 I expect you here or a phonecall. Don't assume I have nothing to do. I love you sweetheart. You decide what's best for you and your son"
Not 15 minutes later she called with an apology and has never tried that again. We are the best of friends now.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2006 at 10:28PM
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Hello, I know how you feel. I practically raised my grandson, Cameron, but its been a real roller coaster. After combatting a mean son-in-law who threatened to never let me see him or touch him, my daughter finally divorced him. I thought I could finally enjoy my grandson and have a be a normal grandma, but then my daughter met another similiar guy. He has not threatened to never let me see him, but he talked her into moving 400 miles away. Now I never know when I'll get to see him. I don't feel comfortable there and i don't feel comfortable with them here. He, the boyfriend treats me terrible. I have to watch my tongue because of my grandson. Now that it is winter it is very hard for me to meet them half way to get him which is what I do to get him sometimes. However...halfway is always 3/4 of the way for me.....on and on....Last night I missed him so much and that wave of grief just hit me so hard. I found your post today and was so glad. I feel your pain and will be glad to talk about our dilemma anytime. I live in Ohio and have been told I have no rights. My e-mail is if you care to share.


Here is a link that might be useful: Somebody out there......please help

    Bookmark   January 11, 2007 at 2:55PM
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To all you grandparents I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! my Daughter has allowed me to raise my grandson for 7yrs now.
But has always held it over my head she manipulates him and me all she wants is money!!!! when I finally cut her off, she called child services and said I abused them.
It backfired on her she was trying to get free housing, instead the state to my grandson into custody.
they wont even let me talk to him and I have been the only stability he's ever known. I have hired an attorney i'll let you all know how it turns out.
confused and scared

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 12:10AM
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