As a grandmother, i'm missing out!!

IreneMarch 16, 2001

I have not seen my grandchildren for 2 years, not because I dont want too, but because my son moved to another part of the country and I dont know where he is.

He rang me one day 2 years ago and told me he had to choose between me and his wife and so naturally he chose his family which I can understand but at the same time he told me he was cutting all ties to me and I was not to try and contact him in any way. I cant even send my 3 grand children birthday, Christmas etc gifts.

All I asked for was a photo from time to time but he has denied me that also.

His brother misses him very much. I will be 50 in a few weeks and all I would love for my birthday is a phone call but i know I will not get it.

I know that I am not the only grandparent in this situation, but all you 'lucky' grandparents out there please give us how are missing out, a thought every now and then.

thanks for your time.

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Obviously there is a problem between you and your DIL. Can it be worked out? You both should really try. Grandchildren are so much more fun than our own children were. Life is too short short to miss their growing up years.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2001 at 4:30PM
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Sorry to hear of your problem with your grandchildren. However,your problem is not unique. There are thousands of grandparents that are dealing with the same situation. You are not alone. In fact most of the problems that face grandparents these days are the result of step-parents and partners requiring fathers and mothers to make a choice between them and their parents. The wishes and welfare of the children are seldom considered. What really makes it worse is that these step-parents and partners are immune to the law and do not have to answer to anyone except their husbands or wife. Take comfort in the fact that you love your grandchildren and pray that your son comes to realize that his children are missing out on the opportunity to have an important relationship with other members of his family in spite of what his wife thinks. You are missing out but, you are not alone!!!!!!

    Bookmark   March 17, 2001 at 5:20PM
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I'm sorry for your situation. My mother had many falling outs with my grandparents (her in-laws). It put a lot of stress on my parents marriage. We stopped talking to them and moved (only 15 mins away, though) awhile after. I think if I total up the time before we moved and after that we didn't communicate it was 2 years. A little over a year after we moved, my parents decided to get a divorce. My Mom called my grandparents right away and said that my Dad needed them and the rest of his family. We went to see them and have dinner at their house, my Dad, brother and I. It was the sadest day and the happiest. Now we are in close contact with them. I have my own 2 year old and they see him more than they saw us as children.

There was also a time when my one aunt and her family quit communicating with my other grandparents. Nobody really talks about the reason why. I think that lasted two years. Tore the family apart. Then at Christmas two years ago they (my aunt, uncle and three cousins-they were all teenagers at the time) showed up on their doorstep. There was a lot of tears I was told. Now they talk and visit with each other all the time. The family gets together again at hoildays, too.

Hopefully, your story will also have a happy ending. From stories that I've heard from others, it ended after a few years. I hope you get the call on your B-Day!

    Bookmark   March 22, 2001 at 7:06PM
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Icue "Obviously there is a problem between you and your DIL"

Where did you see that?

As much as I sympathize with her seperation from her grandchildren, surely you must see that people make their own decisions. Her son made the decision.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2001 at 3:19AM
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I'm also sorry for your situation.
I have two grandchildren, one of which I have never seen. My son said he had a bad time growning up and doesn't want anything to do with us. Also his wife thinks we are not as good as her family and has said so. I think that is the problem for us more then anything.
We have three children and two are fine, just the middle child thinks it was a bad childhood. I'm not sure how she and her family are better. My husband and I are hard working people the same as her family. I'm a seamstress and my husband is an auto worker. Her father works for a dairy and her mother does maintenance at a high school.
My grandchildren live only about 45 minutes away. My point is I now have a new granddaugther from another of my children and I get to see her all the time. Maybe same day you'll have other grandchildren and you can give them the love you can't give to the ones you don't see.
I know you can't replace the grandchildren you have, but it helps to move on. I miss the grandchildren I don't see, but I can't coninue to live there. I have more of a life then just those two children.
I really feel sorry for my mother who is soon to be 87 years old and doesn't get to see her great-grandchildren. My son doesn't get in touch with his grandmother because he knows she will get in touch with me. I'm sorry my son feels life was so bad growing up, but we did the best we could. My children were not beat or abused and there was always food on the table. My husband and I worked long hours when the kids were growing up. But my children were love and cared for.
I hope someday my son will change his mind, but until he does I go on. Maybe you could "adopt" a grandchild in your area, who doesn't have grandparents. Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2001 at 7:20AM
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I thought I would post here as the other side.

I am a daughter who seven months ago decided I had had enough and cut off my parents. Now from my point of view their controlling behavior was beyond discussion and I can't take it anymore.

I have heard all the "we did the best we could." statements about my childhood but did the "best" have to include put downs and beatings with a belt?

Also did the "best" also have to include forgotten birthdays (I wasn't looking for anything big just a nice dinner of my favorite stuff and a cake with some small trinket to remember my day), and complaints about my activites.

If I had me for a daughter I would have been proud. My parents complained about my school involvement and made me late by refusing me rides after they had promised them earlier in the day. My activites they complained about were theater, chorus and band. Well they apporved of band but not the rest.

As an adult when I met and became engaged my mother quickly made the entire event about her and complained constantly about his parents and refused to allow any more guests even if we or his parents would pay for the additional people. You know when you have control flaunt it. we came in below one hundred people and my mother still complained a year later about how much it costs. The head waiter that treated me so nicely she still complains about.

She made my having children about her. She wanted say so over who the God parents were/are. She even stopped talking to me once over a Christianing Gown being provided by the God mother. (she wanted to make it and stated so after the gown was purchased). She complained about holidays even though we make an effort to rotate them.

My parents refuse to share holidays with in-laws if their daughters are the hostest.

I have been told about my children's names. I have had babysitting used as a power play-If I do not get my way I will not watch the children for you while you go for surgery. Yes this did happen and I had to find babysitting two days before surgery.

I have spent my entire life dealing with favorites and don't think the favorite didn't come first on my wedding day because I took a back seat that day also.

If your son or daughter has chosen to seperate themselves from you maybe you need to go over your life since they were born.

Ask yourself some tough questions:

Did I ever beat/hit my child with either my hand or a belt or spoon etc?

Did I show favortism to one child while ignoring the needs of another child?

Did my favortism cloud my judgement when dealing with conflicts between the children.

Do I still have favorites and is it apparent to those outside the family?

For this you might have to count the number of times you bring a certain child's name into the conversation. Or how many times you make excuses for a certain child's rude behavior.

Do I demand too much from my adult children. For examply do you expect every holiday to be with you? Are you willing to share holidays with the in-laws?

Do you feel you should have a say in the choosing of grand children's names, God parents, why they are raised?

Do you openly critises your children and how they raise their children?

These are just a few things my parents did to me as an adult. These actions will send adult children running for the hills.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2001 at 4:27PM
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Sorry to hear of the things that your missing out on but as a Canadian, I know our courts will step in and let grandparents see their grandchildren - - hopefully things will work out for you in the near future.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2001 at 9:28PM
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The U.S. Supreme court has ruled in favor of the parents on this issue.

If there is no abuse or addiction the parents are within their rights to decide who sees and doesn't see their children. The court found that the parents may act in what they feel is the best interest of the children/grandchildren.

Truthfully if my parents had been strangers on friends and not relatives I would have stopped dealing with them long before last summer.

As an aside they are comming to my house tommorrow for lunch. If they behave and keep their opinions to themsleves and stop judging me all the time they will see the children more often. If they fall back on their old ways they are out again.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2001 at 9:06AM
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Your son and his children are missing out. I think, that someday, he and/or the grandkids will want to get in touch with you. Try to be optimistic. Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2001 at 3:57PM
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I can certainly relate to this grandmothers problem. I kept my granddaughter from the time she was 6 months old until last Christmas. She is 4 years old now. The reason I don't get to see her anymore--I had to have surgery and could not keep her for 4 weeks. The DIL got mad at me and decided I would not see her anymore. My son said that his wife was the most important person in his life and he has to make her happy. In the meantime my husband and I are denied the right to see our granddaughter. I also want to say, we had bought all her clothes and shoes and other things she needed up until DIL said we could not see her anymore. It was strange to us, because our son was not working and that is why we helped them out so much(we even bought them groceries when necessary and helped pay their bills.)The reason we gave so much help is because they constantly said they had no money. But they now have a new house and a new car and they can afford anything they want. I was never one to interfere in their lives, because I didn't want to be one of those kinds of mother-in-laws. They went so far as to say to me that since I could not be available when they needed me that I need not bother myself with them or my granddaughter anymore. My husband is a diabetic and his health is not the best it could, but he works and gave them money when they needed it. I don't know what is wrong with adult children these days. We tried to be the best parents we could be and look what we get in return. Sorry this is so long, I just had to tell you that you are not the only one.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2001 at 12:52AM
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It's too bad to have this problem at this stage of your life, but I also agree with a previous post, you son and his family are the ones that are missing out. I do have a similiar problem, having 5 children, 13 grand kids, our oldest 2 sons have "divorced" them selves from me, because of something that had happened years ago. The rest of the family, children and grand kids, couldn't be more loving. My husband and I have gone on with our lives, we feel some day they will come around, but in the mean time, I feel those grand kids are missing alot as we are. I've often think, so many of these estranged family members wait until it's too late to make amends and they're carry that guilt around the rest of their lives. Hopefully all will be resolved. Just remember, you're not alone.....

    Bookmark   April 22, 2001 at 1:28PM
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Perhaps you can't mail letters to your grandkids, but you can certainly write them. Put them in a scrapbook, and then when those grandkids pop back up, you can show them how much you have loved them all along.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2001 at 4:36PM
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Write your grandchildren a letter every occasion and holiday. Save the letters until they are 18. Then visit them and give them the stack of letters. Then they will know they were in your heart all along.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2002 at 12:51PM
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Irene, my mother went through something similar with her grandchildren. My oldest brother (their father) died when he was 43. My mother was a saint! She was very much loved by my brother, his wife (her DIL) and grandchildren, as well as by my younger brother and his wife and children. Mother and I didn't get along very well, but even I thought what happened next was the cruelest thing that could have happened to her. For some reason that nobody could understand, her DIL and grandchildren simply disappeared from her life. She sent the kids and her DIL cards and gifts for their birthday and Christmas, but she never received anything in return.

She died some years ago without ever having understood what happened. She did have other grandchildren from my younger brother and me, but there was always a big hole in her heart because of the desertion by her DIL and grandchildren.

I hope your situation turns out differently, but unless your son gets divorced from his wife, chances are it won't.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2002 at 11:28PM
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